Saturday, May 30, 2009

A reason to sing...

So, if I ever felt like I was supose to be at church... today was one of those days. I was so blessed by the message. "God is my Restorer".
Our worship leader sang a song by Keith Green that spoke to me...

My eyes are dry My faith is old
My heart is hard My prayers are cold
And I know how I ought to be
Alive to you and dead to me
But what can be done For an old heart like mine
Soften it up, With oil and wine
The oil is you, your spirit of love
Please wash me anew With the wine
of your blood

It hurts. I feel numb and hard, sad and cold. I know where I ought to be. I know where I want to be. Getting there just feels so difficult.
By taking a look at a oh so familar passage, I was reminded of some amazing promises and truths. Psalm 23
"The Lord is my Shephard, I shall not be in want, He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul..."
The last few weeks have been difficult. I feel as though I have been negative. Wallowing in my own pity. It is so easy to focus on the difficult areas of life. So easy to remind myself how impossible hard this year has been. How encouraging it is to be reminded that "God specializes in possible cases." Matt. 19:26
..."With God ALL things are possible..."
I am loved by the creater of the universe. My Heavenly Father holds us in the palm of His hands... and I desire to remain right in His grip.
I believe He is God. I believe He is able.
I believe He is my Comforter.
But there is more to it than just believing.
"I know where I ought to be..." Just how do I get there?...
Jeremiah 15:19
..."If you Return to me, I will restore you so you can continue to serve me..."
Being Restored takes action. Not only do I need to believe, and want my shattered heart to be healed; I must Return to God. This requires me to make those steps in Faith He calls us to take. Truly putting my Trust in Him and laying it ALL down at His feet.
Only then, will He restore me... so that I can continue to serve Him.
This is my desire. To Serve Him. To be used by Him.
I want to be ready, open and willing to whatever it is that God has for my life.
To make good out of tragedy.
All of my life, In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing,
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides
And this is my prayer in the fire,
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
And I will bring praise I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand
All of my life In every season
You are still God I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow
Thank you Lord, that in ALL things.. you are still God. Give me the strength to take the steps you are calling me to take. The courage to return to you, that I may be restored.
I WILL make it through this grief. I CAN be happy again. I WILL be there for my children, like they need me to be. step at a time, I WILL be restored.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Not much to write...

I feel like I have been neglecting my blogs...
I want to write... but I'm not sure what to say.

This is just a tough few weeks.

Would you pray for me and my family?

They say that anticipation is so much worse than the actual event... and I know the day will come and go...

I just can't believe it's almost here.

I wish I knew what to do... what to think... what to feel.

It's just hard.

I feel numb again...
My heart hurts.

I know that He wants to take away this burden.
I know that He offers unspeakable peace
I know that He will give us the grace and strength for each day.

I wish I knew why I hold back
It's just so hard.

Pray that I will let go.. and let God.
Pray that we can figure out a special way to spend the day. To honor and remember Brayden. Pray that I can begin to see how God wants to use this whole situation.. for the good. To use me, and this road we've been down to touch the lives of others.

There MUST be something more...

I know that we can WILL make it through all of this.
Right now it just feels like I'm trudging through the mud.

Just missing my boy...

and asking for prayer.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Memory Project

I have put together a letter that many of you will recieve in the next few days... thought I would also post about it here. We are asking all of those who knew Brayden to write down a memory for us. I am sending out stationary and letters with an addressed envelope to make it easy. I would love to hear what others remember about our precious Brayden. If you knew Brayden and have something you would like to share please comment and ask me to send you a letter or you can contact me at
Here is a copy of the letter I sent out...

Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this letter today to ask a special favor of you. We are just a few weeks away from Brayden’s “Angel Day” Anniversary. It is crazy to even think about that and I still cannot even fathom that is has been a year without our precious Brayden. With the love, support, encouragement and most of all prayers from all our wonderful friends and family, we are making it through… a moment at a time. We feel so incredibly Blessed and Thankful.
Brayden continues to live on in our hearts. We miss him so much and think of him everyday. One of the greatest things we have is our memories. I read these quotes and think it they are all so true.
“Life gives us brief moments with one another...but sometimes in those brief moments we get memories that last a life time...”
We are so thankful for every moment we were blessed to spend with Brayden and want each and every memory to last a lifetime.
Memories are the treasures that we keep locked deep within the storehouse of our souls, to keep our hearts warm when we are lonely.

So … this is where you come in… I am asking for your help. If your reading this letter it is because in some way or another you were a part of Brayden’s life. We are asking you to think of a memory to share. I have included a sheet of stationary paper and would like to you write out something you remember about Brayden. Think about a simple or special memory, an event, or even a funny situation; whatever you would like to share. When you think of Brayden, what comes to mind? It can be ANYTHING. (: After you write out your memory, please place it in the enclosed self addressed envelope and send it back to us! That’s it!
“We do not remember days; we remember moments”. ~Cesare Pavese

I know that Brayden touched many lives and I look forward to hearing many memories that you all have. I plan to put all of these memories together into a book so that we can look back and enjoy them together. I want this project to be a way to honor and pay tribute to his life. This will be something to share with family and friends… for years to come. I look forward to sharing these stories and moments with Nathaniel, as we reminisce about his special little brother. We also can’t wait to share with Elliana all about her wonderful big brother as she gets older.
If you have any question or anything please free to call or write us anytime. Can’t wait to receive all your wonderful memories! Thank you so much in advance!!
“God gave us memories that we might have roses in December”. ~J.M. Barrie

I had a strange and difficult realization as I got the letters ready to mail/give out. It's difficult to remember who knew Brayden. This was hard for me... It made me realize that we are going to continue to be surrounded with more and more people that never had the chance to know him as we did... This makes me sad. It also confirms the importance of doing things such as this project so that we can also have these memories and keep him alive in our hearts.
Brayden was here... He was a very special and important part of this family. He was a huge part of my life and will always hold a peice of my heart.
Please help us to look back and treasure all the wonderful memories we had with our precious gift.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Missin' my boy....

Thinking about my Brady boo as I sit here curled up on the couch under our memory quilt. (Click Here to see pictures of this amazing quilt!) So many memories as I look at each pattern. Each peice of material (outfit) represents so much... I can see you wearing each one.. and a story follows every peice. I am so thankful to have this beautiful quilt, it makes me feel close to you.
But it's not the same...
What I wouldn't give to have you here with me.. to cuddle with, to hug and kiss, to giggle with...

N asked alot of hard questions today.. His random outburts of thoughts/questions/comments about you.. and the accident have become more frequent. They are still so out of the blue. Today it caught me off guard... more than usual. He was asking questions about that day. I guess it's his way of slowly processing all the things he heard and saw.
But today, it was Hard...
Brought so many things back.
So many thoughts...
So many memories...
So much pain.
How I wish I could erase that day from my mind.. forever.

I can't believe how close we are getting to the anniversary of that day.... How in the world?!... I can't even hardly wrap my mind or thoughts around it...

Wish I had the right answers, the right responces to give Bubby.... I wish I could get inside his head. I want to badly to do all that I can for him... to help him in his own grief journey. If the answers only came easier.. if only I had an instruction book and new the right things to do and say for him....
I worry about him getting older... and how all this will play out in his life. So young, so fragile.. no little child should ever have to experience what he already has...
No family should ever have to experience what our family has...
It sucks...
It's so Hard...
It Hurts...

Not much to say today... just missing you so much...

I love you baby boy... can't wait till the day when I hold you in my arms again.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

The "Blog World" Family...

Over the past few months I have been blogging I have been amazed at how small the world feels. Suddenly I can connect with someone across the country in seconds through a blog we both follow. Someone on the other side of the globe can be joining me in prayer for a family and both being touched by the story of another mutual "blog" friend.
I added the visitors map to my blog and have been watching where you all are visiting from. I am in awe. Across the country.. and around the world, you are visiting. There are those of you from another blog, or website. Maybe a mutual friend sent you this way. Whatever it is, I am thankful you stopped by. Caring, Sharing in our journey, and praying. That means so much.
I have already began to feel so connected with others through this blogsphere and feel as though I have become part of a great big family. We share our lives and lift one another in prayer.. just as God has called us to do, bearing one anothers burdens.
I would love to get to know all of you better.. if you don't mind, would you leave me a comment and just let me know who you are? It would be great to feel even more connected with those who have decided to come along side me on this road trip through life... without remembering my precious Brayden.
Thank you again for caring enough to stop by, and read sort through my jumbled thoughts... Please consider introducing yourself. If there is anything you would like to share, feel free! If I can pray for you or a specific need.. feel free to leave that as well.
Looking forward to becoming more and more a part of the Blog Family.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Permission to enjoy the moments

The house is a wreck
The sink is full of dishes
The floor needs to be swept and vacuumed
Bills need to be paid....

BUT we had a Fun Family Day today...

and I am Thankful.

Daddy was off work today and after going to t-ball for a whole 20 minutes, the lightening and thunder began and we were forced to end the game.

We then came home, had a nice lunch together.. (at the Table!)
After a bit we went outside into the thunderstorm bright sun and washed both cars, then played in the water.

I can truly say we had a great time... together. We don't have enough of these moments, and today we realized that we need to change that.

It was hard not having Brayden running around with us.. getting soaked in the hose and screetching with glee along with his brother. It surely left something missing.
Jake put a pinwheel in the yard a few weeks ago and it has stayed there.
Today it was a special way to feel a bit of Brayden with us.
I can still see him running over and smiling with excitment as the wind blew it around and around.

But we allowed ourselves to smile... and laugh... alot.
We gave ourselves permission to have fun.
to live life.. and enjoy the moments
and that felt so good.
I know that this peace, and joy comes from above. I am blessed by my Heavenly Father and in awe of the grace He pours on us. Thankful for the joy he has given me, and amazed by how much He loves me.

"Those who sow in tears, reap in Joy." Psalm 126:5 ; thankful for that promise.

Today I feel so blessed for my family. My heart will always have hole missing for my precious baby boy, but I am truly thankful for those I am surrounded by.

I will never know why I was given this road to walk, this side of Heaven. But I am thankful that I need not walk it alone.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Ramblings on Disney.. and a new project

So I've been sitting here trying to decide what to write.. I want to post something but I'm not sure what.

Things have just been kinda... here. Days are flying by, life is carrying on.

We got back from Disney last week. It was great to get away and be together as a family. It was also very hard. Everywhere we went we seem to see little 2 year old boys. I had wanted to make this trip last summer... that obviously didn't happen.

When the idea came up about going this year, I shot it down. I didn't want to go, if he wasn't going to be there. How could we take this fun filled, kid- oriented, family vacation.. without our whole family?

Nathaniel had such a good time. He was overwhelmed with it all and wanted to go full speed ahead to do it all! I am glad that we chose to do this for him. It was truly all about him.

It was so hard to have the happy moments... guilt set in at times that I could even allow myself to have so much fun, and be so excited for Nathaniel... when Brayden wasn't here to share it with. Brayden would have LOVED this trip... so many things we did would have been so much more fun with him here and I can't even imagine how he would have responded to alot of it. To hold his hand as he met Mickey, to sit close on a fun ride, to watch him run and play with his brother...

Brayden, you are so missed. In our hearts you truly came on this trip with us. I can't express how much we wish you could have been here, and been able to experience these things.

We made you a special hat... to remember that you are a part of this family, ... forever. And that you were apart of us, and with us.. on this special family trip.

I have also decided to start another project. A few people told me about occasions they had done this and how neat it was. This time I am attempting the Brayden Memory Project. Asking friends, family, teacher, etc.. anyone who knew Brayden, to share one memory with us. Hoping many will write a memory on special paper and send it/give back to us. I will making a book of all the memories to keep, share, and treasure.
I will share more about this as it gets more together...

I love you baby boy. I miss you more than words can say.. so much my heart aches for you. To hold you, see that sweet smile again, hear that amazing laughter...

This family will never be the same again..

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Thank You

When I first began this blog, I never intended on sharing it with anyone. It had been encouraged my many for me to journal... many times I sat with pen and paper and tried to write... the tears came and the pain grew.. it was so hard. I never got very far..

With the encouragement of 2 friends I decided to give blogging a try.. I have been amazed. There is something about typing on a keyboard that make it so much easier... So many thoughts I am able to release and put here that I couldn't get out before.
Those close friends found my blog and shared with me how it had touched them... I was suprised...
The thought that someone would want to read my rambled thoughts, raw emotions, and jumbled words is amazing to me. I certainly do not have the gift of words as many other bloggers I follow.. Things definately don't flow and I'm not sure I even make sense half the time.

The fact that others care... spend the time to visit and read my words... is hard to describe. I appriciate so much the prayers, the comments, and encouragement. It is things like that which carry me through this difficult time.
If something I say touches someone else ..that would be such a gift. For me to be able to bless another life through my pain, would be more than I can ask for...

I know that God has a plan... I wish I could see it and grasp it...
I know that God WILL use things all for His good... I wish I could understand how...
I know that God is in control...I wish I could let go and Let him be....

So I want to say Thank you... for taking the time to stop by.. For your prayers.. your comments. It means so much.

I am praying that God will show me how He wants to use all of this.. to know what we should do to reach out and touch the lives of others... Because of Brayden.

Whether it be, working with a charity, starting a ministry/ outreach to others, educating others, advocating... or something else... I desire to find my purpose. To know what it is I can do to make "all things work together for the good" ... through Jesus Christ... Because of Brayden.

Please pray with me about this.

I have totally emersed myself into this blog world and have been so blessed reading and getting to know so many of you and your stories. I look forward to the relationships that can be built and the connections that will be made.

Please feel free to write, ask questions, or just drop me a quick line anytime at

So Blessed to not be on this journey alone...

Brayden's Mommy

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother's Day

So.. I've been sitting here for over an hour... with tears in my eyes trying to figure out what to say in this post.

My thoughts are all over the place...

Tonight as I put Elliana to sleep, rocking her and giving her a bottle I couldn't hold back the tears. I was taken back... 11months... scary to even see that number.. How can it possibly been that long? But tonight, it felt like a moment ago... I was there, in that room, rocking my precious Brayden, putting him to sleep, feeding him the bottle, kissing his little head.
Tonight, I was back in time.

But he wasen't there... it was Ellie. How I love her so much. How I want to treasure each of these moments. To love her and hold her. Rock her and kiss her. Praying over her as she prepares to drift off to sleep.

The pain grew... I wanted so badly to enjoy this moment with Elliana but the pain of missing Brayden hurt so badly... what I wouldn't give to have just one more moment. To be able to rock my baby boy one more time.. to whisper how much I love him. To kiss his forehead...

How I miss you sweet boy... My arms ache, my heart aches for you....

This isn't fair...
This isn't the way it's suppose to be...
This wasn't in my life plan!...

It's Mother's Day.
There is nothing I am more proud of or treasure more.. than being Brayden's Mommy. For 17 months and 1 day I shared life with one of the most special, precious boys that ever lived...
and I am thankful.

I love my other two children so much. They mean the world to me.... But it will never be the same.
Today is a day to celebrate Motherhood.
I am a Mom
I will always be a Mom
I will ALWAYS be Brayden's Mommy.

Today hurts.
I miss him...
Moments like this I don't want to be a mom... not without him here..

I will make it through.
I CAN do ALL things through CHRIST who strengthens me.
I claim that today...
His Strength
His peace that passes all understanding
His joy- joy that my other Children bring me.
Joy in the pain, in the frustrations, in the hard times.
Joy that I feel in loving them.
Joy in the fact that I am a Mom
Joy in the memories of my precious gift.

Thank you Lord for making me a Mom.
Thank you for my precious children.
Thank you for each moment I am blessed to live this life with them.
Thank you that you are our Perfect Heavenly Father... and that you make up for all our imperfections... and that in the midst of my inferiority You give me strength.

Help me to be the Mom that You want me to be.
Help me to be the Mom that Elliana and Nathaniel need me to be.
Help me to be the Mom that Honor's You... and Honor's the life You gave through Brayden.

Today is Mother's Day. And I am glad to be a Mom... of three beautiful and precious gifts.