Tuesday, May 28, 2013

The wound that doesn't heal

My heart hurts tonight.  All I did was open the calendar to look at next month and compare schedules/ events.  It's going to be a busy one.  As I filled in some missing info it was suddenly glaring at me in the eye.  June 6th.   The day my world shattered.  The day my dreams were crushed.  The day my heart was broken in two.  How can it be next week already?  Crazy how a date can stab like a knife.  After several years it doesn't feel any better, any different, any easier. How can one day bring such pain such hurt, such emotions?  Another year without you.  Another year of missing you.  Another reminder that your gone.

The last month has been such a roller coaster of emotions.  New opportunities, new successes, hard work paying off.  Exciting events, amazing support, and families and children more aware.  Lives hopefully being saved.  Yet the underlying reason is always the same.  My motivation, my inspiration, my drive... is the one I will never hold again.  In the deep dark moments I can still feel so angry.  I still hurt so badly.  It is still so unfair.

A broken heart is a wound that never heals.  It gets better but never goes away.  The simplest triggers and rip it right open again in the blink of an eye.  It blows in unexpectedly like the wind and knocks you off your feet like a wave.  It crashes hard against the soul.
My wound is open again.  A simple glance of a calender threw off my whole night and my heart hurts.  What I wouldn't give... I miss him more than ever.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

A slice of 'normal'

What I wouldn't give for just one slice of normal.  

To see what it looks and feels like... for maybe just a day.  

A life without Trauma, grief and pain.  
Children without mental health issues.  
A family unit that's complete.  

Instead, it's just another morning.  
Just another anger outburst
Just another shut down. 
...for reasons unexplained.  

Yet another accident.  
More clothes and floors to clean.  
Another phone call needed
Another email sent.  

I wish I could do more. 
I wish I could understand
I'd do anything to fix it
I'd do anything to go back

What were our worries back then?
What stress did life bring then?
I can't even imagine it again

But now life keeps on rolling
I'm faced with what I see
All I'd like is a taste of 'normal'
and a day that's issue free. 

Friday, January 4, 2013

Changes for 2013

There are changes on the horizon.  This new year is about new changes, positive changes, in so many needed areas of my life.  I can't keep on like I have been.  My family deserves more, my children deserve better, my friends deserve more.. and I deserve more.

2012 was a really. difficult. year. 
This year MUST be better. 

I am determined. 

One of the things I am changing is this blog.  One of the good things that came out of last year was the realization of many things about myself, my thought process, and ways to help myself. 

Some of the best advise I recieved was that Brayden can no longer be center.  I won't forget him.  I won't stop thinking about him.  I won't let others forget either.  But I can push him out of the forefront of who I am, and stop letting other parts of life pass me by.  And put him in line with everyone and everything else as it should be.  I blogged more about this HERE
So.. I have decided to change this blog.  Instead of being completely focused on Brayden, I want to focus it on my journey of life.  The ups, the downs, the celerbrations and the tears.  Some that may involve Brayden and others that share of the life before me, the life of my 2 other beautiful, growing, and amazing children.  

Writing really is therapeudic for me and I hate that I don't have, er. a... take the time to write more.
Life gets so busy and it's hard to remember the little things... or even the big things.  I want this blog to be a place where I do just that. 

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Always Remember

One of the hardest things about a new year

another birthday

the passing of more time...

is the fear of forgetting.

I feel as though so many things are already hard to remember

What did he smell like?

What did his laugh sound like?

What did he feel like?

I wish I could run my fingers through his little curls

kiss his forehead

cuddle him for hours. 

Today I try to remember

wishing I could buy a cake

plan a party and have presents to rip open

but instead Im just missing him. 

And making sure that everyone around me... always remembers.