tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-71973355551044223152024-02-07T16:56:52.389-05:00Tidbits of a journey... Mommyof3giftshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09330938113921105832noreply@blogger.comBlogger137125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7197335555104422315.post-25585905892081162262013-05-28T22:34:00.001-04:002013-05-28T22:34:55.031-04:00The wound that doesn't healMy heart hurts tonight. All I did was open the calendar to look at next month and compare schedules/ events. It's going to be a busy one. As I filled in some missing info it was suddenly glaring at me in the eye. June 6th. The day my world shattered. The day my dreams were crushed. The day my heart was broken in two. How can it be next week already? Crazy how a date can stab like a knife. After several years it doesn't feel any better, any different, any easier. How can one day bring such pain such hurt, such emotions? Another year without you. Another year of missing you. Another reminder that your gone. <br />
<br />
The last month has been such a roller coaster of emotions. New opportunities, new successes, hard work paying off. Exciting events, amazing support, and families and children more aware. Lives hopefully being saved. Yet the underlying reason is always the same. My motivation, my inspiration, my drive... is the one I will never hold again. In the deep dark moments I can still feel so angry. I still hurt so badly. It is still so unfair. <br />
<br />
A broken heart is a wound that never heals. It gets better but never goes away. The simplest triggers and rip it right open again in the blink of an eye. It blows in unexpectedly like the wind and knocks you off your feet like a wave. It crashes hard against the soul. <br />
My wound is open again. A simple glance of a calender threw off my whole night and my heart hurts. What I wouldn't give... I miss him more than ever. Mommyof3giftshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09330938113921105832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7197335555104422315.post-2064710092604232572013-03-26T07:38:00.000-04:002013-03-26T07:38:18.828-04:00A slice of 'normal'What I wouldn't give for just one slice of <i>normal</i>. <div>
<br /></div>
<div>
To see what it looks and feels like... for maybe just a day. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
A life without Trauma, grief and pain. </div>
<div>
Children without mental health issues. </div>
<div>
A family unit that's complete. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Instead, it's just another morning. </div>
<div>
Just another anger outburst</div>
<div>
Just another shut down. </div>
<div>
...for reasons unexplained. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Yet another accident. </div>
<div>
More clothes and floors to clean. </div>
<div>
Another phone call needed</div>
<div>
Another email sent. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I wish I could do more. </div>
<div>
I wish I could understand</div>
<div>
I'd do anything to fix it</div>
<div>
I'd do anything to go back</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
What were our worries back then?</div>
<div>
What stress did life bring then?</div>
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I can't even imagine it again</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But now life keeps on rolling</div>
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I'm faced with what I see</div>
<div>
All I'd like is a taste of '<i>normal</i>'</div>
<div>
and a day that's issue free. </div>
Mommyof3giftshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09330938113921105832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7197335555104422315.post-70049141921675818332013-01-04T14:47:00.002-05:002013-01-04T14:47:19.736-05:00Changes for 2013There are changes on the horizon. This new year is about new changes, positive changes, in so many needed areas of my life. I can't keep on like I have been. My family deserves more, my children deserve better, my friends deserve more.. and I deserve more. <br />
<br />
2012 was a really. difficult. year. <br />
This year MUST be better. <br />
<br />
I am determined. <br />
<br />
One of the things I am changing is this blog. One of the good things that came out of last year was the realization of many things about myself, my thought process, and ways to help myself. <br />
<br />
Some of the best advise I recieved was that Brayden can no longer be center. I won't forget him. I won't stop thinking about him. I won't let others forget either. But I can push him out of the forefront of who I am, and stop letting other parts of life pass me by. And put him in line with everyone and everything else as it should be. I blogged more about this <a href="http://michellezieg.blogspot.com/2012/01/back-in-line.html" target="_blank">HERE</a><br />
So.. I have decided to change this blog. Instead of being completely focused on Brayden, I want to focus it on my journey of life. The ups, the downs, the celerbrations and the tears. Some that may involve Brayden and others that share of the life before me, the life of my 2 other beautiful, growing, and amazing children. <br />
<br />
Writing really is therapeudic for me and I hate that I don't <s>have</s>, er. a... <i>take</i> the time to write more.<br />
Life gets so busy and it's hard to remember the little things... or even the big things. I want this blog to be a place where I do just that. Mommyof3giftshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09330938113921105832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7197335555104422315.post-34343295670905046732013-01-02T16:24:00.000-05:002013-01-02T16:24:11.816-05:00Always Remember<div>
One of the hardest things about a new year</div>
<br />
<br />
<div>
another birthday</div>
<br />
<br />
<div>
the passing of more time... </div>
<br />
<br />
<div>
is the fear of forgetting. </div>
<br />
<br />
<div>
</div>
<br />
<br />
<div>
I feel as though so many things are already hard to remember</div>
<br />
<br />
<div>
What did he smell like?</div>
<br />
<br />
<div>
What did his laugh sound like?</div>
<br />
<br />
<div>
What did he feel like? </div>
<br />
<br />
<div>
</div>
<br />
<br />
<div>
I wish I could run my fingers through his little curls</div>
<br />
<br />
<div>
kiss his forehead<br />
<br />
cuddle him for hours. <br />
<br />
<br />
Today I try to remember<br />
<br />
wishing I could buy a cake<br />
<br />
plan a party and have presents to rip open<br />
<br />
but instead Im just missing him. <br />
<br />
And making sure that everyone around me... always remembers. </div>
Mommyof3giftshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09330938113921105832noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7197335555104422315.post-16868146724665101082012-07-29T00:08:00.000-04:002012-07-29T00:08:33.548-04:00Unreachable milestonesI have been having a really rough time this year. I've stated it before... but it keeps hitting me repeatedly. Brayden would be 5 this year. F I V E. Wow. Such a number, such an age, such a milestone. No longer toddler, not quite grown... but a Boy. <br />
The age of 5 stands for so many things. Most of all ... <em>School</em>. This fall Brayden should be starting Kindergarten. <br />
I should be buying school supplies, I should be dreading and counting down the days, I should be in that kindergarten denial. The tears have come more often than I expected. It hurts deeper than I expected it would. <br />
I have several friends who have children preparing to start school next month. The excitement, anticipation, and nerves all run high. How I wish more than anything I was preparing for those moments. <br />
<br />
It's. Just. Not. Fair. <br />
Yet another milestone that will never be reached. One more thing that will never happen. One more reality of life without <em>him</em>. <br />
<br />
I miss him. <br />
I miss the way things are supposed to be. <br />
<br />
Elliana is growing like a weed as well. This year we started dance classes. How I love to watch my sweet little ballerina. She also decided to do soccer with Avery. <br />
This was hard. <br />
How would Brayden be with sports? He would be old enough for tball as well? Would he want to play? Would he jump right in and excel or be uninterested and uncoordinated? <br />
Such a perspective to see the world. Such a way to watch my daughter grow up. <br />
Watching all the things that "should have been" <br />
<br />
I want to treasure each moment of her life. I do cherish all the memories of each day. <br />
But the thoughts just creep in and it's so hard to let them go. <br />
I desire for the joy, excitement and pride of a Mom to shine through. <br />
How I wish I could watch her without the thoughts of Brayden. <br />
<br />
How I wish I didn't feel surrounded by and reminded daily of all the unreachable milestones.<br />Mommyof3giftshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09330938113921105832noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7197335555104422315.post-33623389526167861242012-06-07T00:12:00.001-04:002012-06-07T00:12:10.818-04:00Remember<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Well the day has come... and just about gone. It's hard to believe. I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that it has been FOUR years since my precious baby boy has been gone. <br />
I miss him so freaking much. <br />
I wish it still didn't hurt so bad. <br />
<br />
Jake took off work as he always does on this day. The kids even slept in for us which was an amazing bonus! We hung around lazy for a bit then decided to get up and out the door to make something of this day.. together. There was nothing special planned. No hoop-la, no party, no gathering. <br />
Just us.<br />
First stop was the cemetary. We took balloons, a little polkadot stuffed dog, a few new pinwheels and of course had to do pictures. I felt so guilty realizing how long its been since I brought flowers. I need to put some together to take out there soon. <br />
<br />
It had gotten to late in the day for our original plans so we quickly decided on heading down to Folly beach to walk out on the pier. It was incredibly windy but felt nice. After a night/morning of pouring rain and reduced temperatures, I was encouraged to see the weather clear up and sun come out enough for us to enjoy being outside. <br />
<br />
During a recent visit with a counselor I discussed my fears of forgetting. I worry so much about how the details seem to disapear over time. I dread the day that I can't remember the little things about my sweet boy. <br />
So she challenged my to start making an (ongoing) list. This is going to be a list of things I remember about Brayden, that I want to be sure to remember or just things that come to mind. <br />
I do miss my Wednesday's Walk down Memory Lane posts and want to strive to start them again... but for now I will just work on creating this list. <br />
I will remember him. <br />
<br />
That silly obsession with the bellybutton!<br />
Mr. Drama King and the flinging back of his head as he sighed in frustration over things...<br />
The way he hated the grass on his bare knees and would crawl on his hands and toes. <br />
HIs infectious smile. <br />
The way he LOVED Praise time at church. <br />
The way he cuddled. The moments he crawled up in my lap in the middle of an activity-- just to give a hug, and hop right back to playing. <br />
The love of BALLS!<br />
The sound of his laughter as he wrestled and tickled with Daddy and Bubby. His determination to ALWAYS fit right in.<br />
The countless nights in the rocking chair... holding my precious one tight putting him to sleep (and fearing putting him down, that he might wake! LoL)<br />
The pacifiers!<br />
The little curls that had just begun to form on the crest of his little neck<br />
Cutting the grass with Daddy!<br />
Sweet potatoes!<br />
The "un" pea face!<br />
<br />
I could go on and on... and I will. In time. I long to see this list grow and grow with all the amazing memories we have. <br />
I am so thankful for each moment. <br />
What I wouldn't give to rock him, hold, him, kiss him, cuddle him... just once more. <br />
<br />
I love you so much baby boy!!! Up to the moon... and back!<br />
Miss you more each day and can't wait till the day I see you again. Mommyof3giftshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09330938113921105832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7197335555104422315.post-36504268543097582542012-01-02T22:37:00.002-05:002012-01-02T22:49:27.269-05:00Angel TreeThis year, for the first time, I did something I've wanted to do for 3 years. I've even started but not followed through... till this year. <br /><br />Christmas time is naturally such a difficult time. It brings up so many emotions, so many reminders that he is not here, and is missing out on family memories. One of the hardest aspects is the gift giving. As I ponder, shop, wrap and dream about all the gifts we want to give our kids I can't help but think of all the gifts that I'm not giving again this year. The ones I can't purchase the ones that there is no longer a need for. I hate to admit that I don't even have a clue what those gifts would be! What would he be into if he was still here. What are other boys his age in to? nathaniel is not that much older than he, so why can't I even force myself to think of what 4/5 year old boys do- want- like. <br /><br />It's apart of the Holiday I hate. It's a part of the Holiday I miss... yet it's a part that I could be doing in a way that would bless others. <br />So I went up to the Angel tree... as I looked at all the cards, I saw names, I read ages, I saw interests, dreams, hopes. These are children that won't really have a christmas without the love and support from someone else. <br />And here I am with all this extra love I want so badly to give but can't. <br />So I did it. I chose a name. <br /><br />He is Kylique. <br />He is 5 years old. <br />He loves games, basketball, and movies. <br /><br />Though he may not be 'mine'.. he was mine for the Holiday. He was mine for the gift buying, he was mine for the blessing. <br />I got the kids involved and told them about the special boy that we needed to shop for and prepare to bless this christmas. Though it was hard at moments we enjoyed shopping and gathering all the items to fill his bag. An outfit for school, a new pair of cool shoes, a basketball, some movies and a game...<br />I can only hope that the gifts we found brought excitment and smiles to his face as he opened them. <br />I know it blessed me and warmed my heart to think of, care for and shop for this sweet little boy. I needed him as much as he needed us this year. And I'm thankful for my Angel Tree boy.Mommyof3giftshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09330938113921105832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7197335555104422315.post-7034021028760519112012-01-02T22:14:00.003-05:002012-01-02T22:36:24.975-05:00Back in LineWell... I have been seeing a psychiatrist for several months now and finally feel like we are getting some where. It's amazing the things that can come up when you dig, question, and just allow them to. A few weeks ago I had a major breakthrough in my healing/ greiving process. <br /><br />It goes back to a time about 3 years ago, not too long after Brayden's accident, while sitting at a compassionate friends meeting. One of the other moms (who had lost a daughter to a fire) shared that she was doing so much better, that with the help of her counselor she felt she was moving forward and facing life so much more postivily. The reason she stated was that she had moved her daughter from HERE (placing her hand smack in front of her face!) to here (placing her hand lowered and to the side of her face.) Humm.. I remember thinking, that sounds ok, sounds interesting... but I really didn't "get" it. <br />So all these years later, having life taken us through all it has and knowing where I ended up this summer, that thought came back to me. Though I feel so stressed, overwhelmed, unable to handle kids/life/ etc.. I was being told that these things were part of my 'compicated grief' That it was somewhat all related to the loss of Brayden. I was feeling consumed, overwhelmed, closed in on... by life... but was it really? Or was it more that I was allowing myself to be consumed with Brayden, his death, the guilt that surrounds it, the what, how, who, etc.. of how to carry on and help my family as I need to, etc..<br />Like a light bulb going off I realized that I too had my Hand smack in front of my face. That I was holding Brayden, his death, and all those other things front and center in my life and it was affecting my ability to deal with all the other things I need to do. <br />While talking to my Dr. she went on to continue this analogy by showing me the struggle my children, my husband, my committments, etc. were all being affected by this "wall of sorts' I had place in front of me. (While placing her Hand in front of her face) Do you see, here is Ellie trying to talk to her mommy, Here is Nathaniel trying to get Mommy's attention, can you see them? hear them or attend to them like you need (this way) ?<br />Was Brayden that much more important than any of them? <br />Was my selfish feelings, guilt, saddness, need to remember more important than them?<br /><br />Wow. It made so much sence now. <br />Wow. How, Why had I done this and lived this way for so long?<br /><br />She continued on to not only move her hand down lower to the side of her face but directly in her periferal view. She shared how He needs to be right where everything else is. Still in view, still there, still just as important... but sharing the light with Jake, Ellie, Nathaniel, Me, Life, Others. She illustrated it like a fan, moving all around the front of me. All in a row.. all in sight, all together yet in their own spot. All accessible. <br />I had moved Brayden from his spot and given him rule over everything. Which made me no good at many things. He was taking over, and taking me away from so many things that needed me. <br />It was time for him to return to his place. <br />To just be 'one of them'. <br />Apart of my life, yes. <br />But not front and center. <br />Just<em> Back in Line</em> with the others where he should be.Mommyof3giftshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09330938113921105832noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7197335555104422315.post-46920607551501135252011-11-20T12:40:00.002-05:002011-11-20T13:32:03.639-05:00Thankful to be ConfrontedOver the last year I have really found the importance of being thankful for the blessings we have. It is so easy to get overwhelmed with life, the negative, the pain, and forget about all the good things. I have made it a goal to find something each day to be thankful for. Though I have not done as well as I hoped I would it has challenged my thoughts and has made me look at each day a little differently. <br /><br />One of the things I am so thankful for is Dr. West. <br />For 3 years we struggled with finding a Dr., counselor, social worker, etc. to help Nathaniel. With my background I know the importance of getting help and talking about things with other trusted people. Due to scheduling, personality clashes, finaces, etc.. we have seem to hit one brick wall after another. As Nathaniel gets older I worry about his anxiety, his grieving, his memories... I want for him to process what he had to experience at such a young age the right way and begin the process of healing so that it makes him a better, stronger, more loving and appreciative person. <br />Several months, well almost a year ago, we were told about a local child psychologist Dr. West. He is in high demand and hard to get in with but is excellent with kids. Though we waited a while for an appointment it was worth it ten times over! Nathaniel has hit it off so well with Dr. West. has opened up and shared things, and has made lots of progress through his appointments. Dr. West has so much experience, is so wise in his years, but can cut it up with Nathaniel just the same. He is funny, smart, caring, and intuitive. <br /><br />Well back a few months, Dr. West asked me to schedule a seperate appointment without Nathaniel so that we could just talk more openly. We always take a few minutes at the beginning or end of appointments but Nathaniel is there (along with Ellie and even Avery at times!)So this particular appointment was set aside for just us. <br /><br />I believe it was late June. I was stressed, having trouble coping with life, struggling at home with Nathaniel, etc..<br />Dr. West sat me down in his office and immediately stated that he was worried about <em>Me. </em>He told me that he wanted to share some observations but to correct him if he was seeing things wrong.<em> </em>He<em> </em>went<em> </em>on<em> </em>to<em> </em>say<em> </em>that<em> </em>he<em> </em>saw<em> </em>me<em> </em>as<em> </em>overwhemed<em>, </em>up<em> </em>to<em> </em>my<em> </em>eyeballs<em> </em>and<em> </em>greatly<em> </em>struggling. He said He imagined I was not handeling life in general very well... especially at home. <br />Before he was even finished talking the tears began to flow. Here is this man, who hardly know me at all... sees me for a few moments every other week... but can see right through me! <br />Though I knew how bad things were I denied that fact that I was "depressed". I don't sit around crying for hours, thinking about Brayden like I used to. I 'know better' that to be depressed. With my background, education, etc.. that can't be <em>me</em>. But as we talked on Dr. West looked me in the eye and told me, those hours mindlessly behind the computer, sitting in one spot on the couch, avoiding many of lives responsibilities, etc... "That's called depression". I cried, alot. It was so hard to hear this.. about myself. But knew it was so true. Things had gotten out of hand. I was hurting, and needed to do something about it. He encouraged me to call someone right away. To talk to a psychiatrist about my medication, which was obviously not doing it's job. <br />"Nathaniel is really doing ok," he said, "but he's not going to continue to get better if you don't take care of yourself. " To know that me and my problems were not only hurting myself but my family as well was a hard pill to swallow. <br /><br />Wow. I left feeling overwhelemed, suprised, hurt, this was not what I expected. <br />But I felt a sence of hope, encouragement and motivation to for the first time in along time, take care of me. I was actually glad that he had been so honest and straight forward with me.<br />I was caught off guard.<br />I was put in my place.<br />I was forced to look inward.<br />And I have never been so thankful to be confronted.Mommyof3giftshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09330938113921105832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7197335555104422315.post-83154037772982476892011-11-20T10:17:00.005-05:002011-11-20T13:33:11.010-05:00OH Blogger... I have missed you!<div><div>Wow.. so it has been entirely too long since I've written. I've said it before but I hate that life gets so busy and it's things like this blog that get pushed aside, and pretty much forgotten.<br />I miss my freedom to write here... the chance to put out my feelings, give voice to my thoughts.<br />So much has taken place since I've written. It has been quite an interesting few months. I've made notes and begun to write down thoughts and updates but never got it all down together here. So now I am going to try and catch up. Pardon me now as it will probably be all over the place.<br />It's hard to even know where to begin, how to fit it in to one post. So I think I am going to take it a little at a time, in different posts.<br />So much has been needed...<br />So many necessary changes<br />So many "new's"<br />So much to be thankful for.</div></div>Mommyof3giftshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09330938113921105832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7197335555104422315.post-74336132720281980532011-06-03T23:55:00.004-04:002011-06-04T00:27:43.970-04:00Not EnoughGrief sucks<br />I feel knocked off my feet again.<br />The weight is heavy on my chest. <br />I can't see past this storm.<br /><br />My head hurts<br />My emotions are raw<br />My eyes are puffy<br />I've had my cry.... more than one.<br /><br />But tonight, its not enough.<br /><br />I hate this feeling. <br /><br />I've given my time<br />I've shared my heart<br />I've tried to make a difference<br />I've tried to make his life carry on<br /><br />But tonight, its not enough.<br /><br />I just want him here.<br /><br />I've screwed up in so many areas<br />I feel so disoriented ...with life.<br />I wish things would stop spinning around me<br />And life would pause<br /><br />But tonight, that wouldn't be enough.<br /><br />I just want things back the way they were<br />It hurts.<br />It sucks.<br />Its unfair.<br /><br />Yet, Its my reality.<br /><br />Tonight, nothings good enough.Mommyof3giftshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09330938113921105832noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7197335555104422315.post-29531928101825469012011-06-03T00:44:00.002-04:002011-11-20T13:44:48.662-05:00Tough Questions<div>Over the last several months we have had the opportunity to share our story with MANY people. It means so much to have my life, experiences, and dreams encourage someone else. I have been told by lots that there is power to our story. I feel as though it is all I have, I have no option but to use it, share it and hope that it will make a difference for someone else. </div><div> </div><div>To save one life, would make it all worth it. </div><div>To help others to think about things differently</div><div>To make bettere choices... </div><div>That would give me purpose</div><div>That would give reason behind my pain</div><div>That would create even more value to a precious life, lost too soon</div><div> </div><div>Through the organization we have had a number of invitations for Interviews</div><div>This particular interview was certainly the hardest one yet...</div><div>She was very nice, and compassionate. But when it was time for the questioning she pryed very hard. Asking questions like How he specifically got out the back door, and exactely what we felt in the moment we 'found' him. What was the first thing we did, said, etc.. </div><div>It was so difficult. Felt like someone pulled the rug from under me and it caught me so off guard. I felt myself getting so emotional and I wanted desperately to keep it together. </div><div>My reason for coming, my purpose for sharing was to focus on water safety. I want to encourage other people to not make the mistakes we made, by educating on the things that can and should be done. </div><div>But why was she digging deeper into the details of this awful tradgedy? Why did she feel the need to open up such painful memories? </div><div>I was at a loss for words. </div><div>The camera was rolling and I tried hard to make it obvious to move on..</div><div>God gave me the strength to answer honestly but briefly. </div><div>I was able to keep going. </div><div> </div><div><sigh!> I was so glad when it was over. </sigh!></div><div>But I was also thankful. I knew that time was going to come. I knew I would be faced with those questions and forced into uncomfortable situations. </div><div>And now that 'first' time is done. </div><div>And I'm stronger because of it. </div><div> </div><div>...I can only hope those who heard the interview saw the heart of my message and were encouraged to do things different. To help save lives. </div>Mommyof3giftshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09330938113921105832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7197335555104422315.post-31656598317796229002011-06-03T00:41:00.003-04:002011-11-20T14:23:28.921-05:00First Responder<div>For a long time now I have had lots of questions. </div><div>Truths I really don't want to be told, things I'm not sure I want to hear... but answers that yet, I feel I need. </div><div>Ever since the accident I have wanted to know why we never left the house that night. I have read, heard and met many others who went through similar accidents, and each one of them was rushed, usually airlifted, to the hospital. </div><div>Why is it that it took (what seemed to me) forever for EMS to arrive?</div><div>Why did the firetruck arrive first and not until several moments later the ambulance? </div><div>Do the first responders truly have the same training and equipment as the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">ambulance</span>/ <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">paramedic</span>??</div><div>... Would any of this really made a difference?</div><div> </div><div>An opportunity showed up at one of the most unexpected times. </div><div>It was May 22, 2011. </div><div>2<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">nd</span> Annual Water Safety Day</div><div>I saw a few of the members of the fire department looking at the B.O.B table and saw them talking. I didn't think much of it. We had invited them (for the 2<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">nd</span> year) to come participate with us and looked forward to partnering with them more in the future. </div><div>It wasn't until I heard them talking about addresses and then a friend, Jo, turned to find me and ask me my address that I looked over and saw her. </div><div>As soon as our eyes met, I knew that the one Jo had been talking to, was one of those who responded the night of the accident. </div><div>A flood of emotions raced through me as I walked over to the group. </div><div>I could see the memories come flashing back as she shared how deeply <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-error">Brayden's</span> accident had impacted her. In fact, knowing that they were coming to a "drowning prevention" event, she had shared with a co-worker about our story... never assuming that we were the same family. </div><div>That was, until she saw <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-error">Brayden's</span> picture. </div><div>I was moved and encouraged as she shared how rare it is to get to meet or see a family again after a call, especially when it was a difficult outcome. </div><div>She was so thankful to see that we had made the decision to make something positive out of our tragedy and do all that we can to educate others. </div><div> </div><div>I couldn't hold it in... I had to open the box and begin to ask some of the questions that had flooded my thoughts for so long. This was not the way, the setting that I had imagined. I did not feel prepared- but yet I just had to take the opportunity put in front of me. </div><div>Though emotions took over and I stumbled over words I did hear some things I needed to hear that day. </div><div>I didn't feel that I <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_6" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">received</span> the 'answers' I was looking for but somehow I still felt a bit of peace. </div><div>I don't believe in <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_7" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">coincidences</span>... I believe this was a divine meeting. I hope that it impacted her the way it impacted me and I am thankful. </div><div> </div>Mommyof3giftshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09330938113921105832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7197335555104422315.post-69966148999926782502011-03-14T14:23:00.003-04:002011-11-20T14:38:59.293-05:00Blessed by Words<div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEho_D3mi1FCaJrFXEMczBlXhVTbJBxpEZvHTkhH-wkpqVCdmfbUD3tHQ1NyNWl0BwjbtJ5nY8LqsFrOD2_xPtV82kTsCqc2YmHCbD1WqIPQFkeJOyXw1_v1gZzZXKapABdGBKAPTNFkBdc/s1600/P3135985.JPG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; width: 400px; height: 300px; text-align: center; display: block;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5584026799042041746" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEho_D3mi1FCaJrFXEMczBlXhVTbJBxpEZvHTkhH-wkpqVCdmfbUD3tHQ1NyNWl0BwjbtJ5nY8LqsFrOD2_xPtV82kTsCqc2YmHCbD1WqIPQFkeJOyXw1_v1gZzZXKapABdGBKAPTNFkBdc/s400/P3135985.JPG" /></a><br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFzGJokA7KnmJ75accp2lmiQ3g2vyyBEF5Hi9LulZnLnlEMc8_b8wy32R5HeDQPDheXMi1yQaK8kW2yf5UBqXb6xbKBKh-w4YQvszqI_LC2maYaPCT6_2d2ml_PHIZPXNZgbxhVZBW8PM/s1600/P3135981.JPG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; width: 400px; height: 300px; text-align: center; display: block;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5584026798491736242" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFzGJokA7KnmJ75accp2lmiQ3g2vyyBEF5Hi9LulZnLnlEMc8_b8wy32R5HeDQPDheXMi1yQaK8kW2yf5UBqXb6xbKBKh-w4YQvszqI_LC2maYaPCT6_2d2ml_PHIZPXNZgbxhVZBW8PM/s400/P3135981.JPG" /></a><br /><br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_0jS1DZmqlNN7-0PKpazgRIh9_fWIhTMjNdsiv8UHg46H9MRNG8C_88AqiY0wJ-UMjZzrdegoUwFKjGvMeLOmYzltC-BZmxqp_2TQG2pXYHLG8-vinjE-isqB3m8ndHYCEGP4jsxhtpY/s1600/P3135980.JPG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; width: 400px; height: 300px; text-align: center; display: block;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5584026793430322994" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_0jS1DZmqlNN7-0PKpazgRIh9_fWIhTMjNdsiv8UHg46H9MRNG8C_88AqiY0wJ-UMjZzrdegoUwFKjGvMeLOmYzltC-BZmxqp_2TQG2pXYHLG8-vinjE-isqB3m8ndHYCEGP4jsxhtpY/s400/P3135980.JPG" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg09W_A4Y5S6Oe0u3ROfyAF7Cs-7OiLmr1ZQX1a9x2mUMIQW9YlrhAcZaxQ02CWQzmW3-MlwRxlNZIVlfppTywPWTEbvUOrq6W-fJwokokpVx3ovaThLwVVolV4qUKO9ra_Th9KXLMpQ4/s1600/P3135979.JPG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; width: 400px; height: 300px; text-align: center; display: block;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5584026792454184770" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg09W_A4Y5S6Oe0u3ROfyAF7Cs-7OiLmr1ZQX1a9x2mUMIQW9YlrhAcZaxQ02CWQzmW3-MlwRxlNZIVlfppTywPWTEbvUOrq6W-fJwokokpVx3ovaThLwVVolV4qUKO9ra_Th9KXLMpQ4/s400/P3135979.JPG" /></a><br /><div>Yesterday we had the opportunity to participate in an event downtown. It was the 2011 Kids Fair. We were blown away with how involved this event was, the number of <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">vender's</span> and organizations represented and how many people came. We stayed consistently BUSY the entire time... and by the end we were wiped to say the least! We ran out of all our giveaways, and coloring sheets and only have a handful of books and pamphlets left! What an awesome event. I hope that our message reached many many families and is one that will be remembered. </div><div>As we always do, we met several very sweet and encouraging people. One of things that meant the most to me today was when a woman came with several of her grandchildren. She was so glad to see that we were teaching about water safety and wanted to be sure that each child took the water safety pledge, and fully understood it's meaning. She shared how she would be watching many kids over the summer and that they would be swimming as well as going to the beach. She knew the importance of water safety and shared with the kids that she would be reminding them and holding them accountable to the things that we shared with them. </div><div>This made me feel like it was all worth it. This is the reason I am doing what we are doing. </div><div>Before she left she came up to me, asked to give me a hug and said, </div><div> </div><div> "<strong><em>Thank</em></strong> <em><strong>you</strong></em> <strong><em>for</em></strong> <em><strong>turning</strong></em> <em><strong>your</strong></em> <em><strong>hurt</strong></em> <em><strong>into</strong></em> <strong><em>a</em></strong> <strong><em>Halo</em></strong>"... </div><div> </div><div>I thought about it for a moment and then just smiled. I had never heard that phrase before and it meant so much to me. She continued saying that me and my 'angel' would impact and save many lives. </div><div>I was so thankful for this opportunity today and was blessed in many ways... but most of all it was blessed by this woman's simple sweet <em>words</em>. </div></div></div></div></div>Mommyof3giftshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09330938113921105832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7197335555104422315.post-74774108911542248822011-02-18T15:30:00.002-05:002011-02-18T17:55:41.610-05:00A kiss from you...It is an absolutely beautiful day here today. The sun is shinning, the gentle breeze is calming and the temp's are in the 70's!<br />While me and Ellie were out running errands we ended up right around the corner. With not a specific time to be anywhere I couldn't resist...so we went to visit you today... <br />It put a smile on my face to see your colorful flowers. I wish I did better about bringing new ones more often. They even kept the pinwheel's in this time. Today there was the perfect amount of wind to set them spinning away. How you would have squealed in delight to have seen them go. Elliana loved them too. When the wind would stop it made her sad so she would use her hand to keep them going. I tried to teach her how to blow them (o: What I wouldn't give to see the two of you together. The fun we would have while Bubby is in school. The three of you together would have been even more of a sight... the adventures we would have! I'm tired just thinking about all the energy! Oh, but the laughter and playing would be music to my ears. <br />Without you here our family has such a void. The lack of your presence feels like such a hole. I love to see Thanie and Ellie play together... and the moments when you see how much they love each other mean so much. Yet their age difference makes it a little difficult. They will never really be able to play together as I know you both would have. (As would have been with you and Ellie as well) The bond they share, though special, is different. Thanie is such a good big brother... looking after lil sister, as I'm sure you would too. Oh how very much we miss you! I remind her often that she has a big brother watching out from Heaven! And what an advantage and full view you have! (o:<br /><br />As I sat there just dreaming and thinking of you the neatest thing happened. Out of nowhere came a butterfly, the only one is sight, and it landed right on the pinwheel we'd been playing with. And just as quickly as it landed... it was off again. Gently brushed my arm as it flew away. <br />It was small and so beautiful. <br />It was quick and so meaningful. <br />What I wouldn't give to have a picture of that moment! Yet now it is just as everything else... and just a memory. One I will cherish in my thoughts and in my heart. <br />The simplest thing... brought such a smile to my face. And all I could do is look up and say "Thank you!" <br />For I felt that it was <em>a kiss from you.</em><br /><em></em><br />Love to you to the moon<em>...</em>Mommyof3giftshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09330938113921105832noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7197335555104422315.post-3593628653056444052011-02-12T22:29:00.002-05:002011-02-14T01:15:01.338-05:00QuestionsThis weekend was one full of emotions. We had the opportunity to attend a class in Infant, Child and Adult CPR. This is something that we have thought about and considered many times but had not made the move to do it. We knew that it was going to be difficult. There was not alot of preparing to do this and I don't think any of us quite knew what to expect. The group was small... just family. Jake, myself, my mom, and two sisters had an instructor come to the house to do the training. I was glad that it would be intimate and just us. Some of us had been certified in the past and some of us had never taken a course before. <br />Jake had not taken one.. and I knew this was such a huge step for him to do this. Throughout the class I know his thoughts were so much on Brayden. Remember the events of that day and thinking of so many "what if's." I know that Jake feels like he didn't know what he was doing that day and questions his actions. He has since told me that he wishes I had taken over the CPR when I arrived, but I was too out of it to have even realized that. Not that I think I would have been able to do it. I was so proud of what Jake did that day. I believe that he selflessly did everything he was told to do and gave his all to help his son. <br />There are so many questions we will never have answers to. There are so many scenarios that can be played in our minds. Many of those came back to the surface through this course. It's so hard to hear "how sucessful CPR is" and how it is "how to save a life" ... when you know that it does not always work. <br />Why did it take so long for help to arrive??<br />Why did the firetruck arrive first? (with what appeared in that moment to be clueless unprepared idiots on it?)<br />Why did the ambulance take so much longer? Why did they not have the right equipment? <br />Why did we never leave the house? ...<br />What was his "state" when help first arrived? Was he completely gone before they even started? <br />I could go on and on...<br />So many thoughts, so many questions. <br /><br />We have recently been contacted by the wife of one of the officers who responded that night. It was for different reasons but I finally asked if he would be willing to talk with us as well. She gave us his contact info and said that this event impacted his life more than anything has and he would love to help out and talk with us anytime. <br />I still have not done anything with his information. I want so badly to talk to him. To drill him with all my questions and get answers to the things I don't understand. But I know that is not realistic. I know that I need to keep an open mind that many questions I may never know the answers to. <br />Please pray for wisdom. Pray that God will prepare my heart and my mind... so that when the time is right we can contact him. That hearing another perspective will bring us some peace and settle some of the questions and doubts. Help me to know if this is something I should really pursue... it is something I truly desire so much. <br />I hate how much we as adults analyze, and question. What I wouldn't give to have the mind of a child... to just accept things as they are and to be able to move on even when it doesn't make sence or is not completely explained to our liking. <br />I am grateful for this opportunity. For this weekend and the skills that we learned, and refreshed. I am thankful that my family was there, to support us, and help themselves as much as to help us. <br />I'm thankful for the opportunity to voice my questions...Mommyof3giftshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09330938113921105832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7197335555104422315.post-59035783177793535732011-02-02T01:39:00.002-05:002011-02-02T01:55:04.956-05:00fading memories...I worked on your scrapbook tonight,<br />as I have many nights before.<br />This time was different...<br />As I flipped through the pictures<br />of your life that we knew<br />the memories came flooding back. <br />Memories that had otherwise felt<br />..forgotten. <br /><br />Could it be that the memories are fading? <br />For the memories are all I have left of you.<br />I know it is impossible to remember each and every day<br />to never forget a thing<br />But what I wouldn't give to have that chance.<br /> I want to remember all the details<br />I want to always hear all the sounds...<br />like your laughter as you played and tickled with daddy<br />and your cry for "Momma" through the night...<br />I want to never forget the exasperated look on your face as you flung your head back so dramatically or that sweet smile of joy as you danced. <br />I want to always feel the weight of your hugs as you cuddled so close<br />and cling on to the happiness, the gift of each day we were given. <br /><br />So as I gaze through these pages<br />I am so thankful for so many pictures.<br />I marvel the many fun times we had. <br />I am even more motivated to complete this sometimes difficult task<br />and to create a treasure of the precious memories. <br />A treasure to remind<br />A treasure to bring joy<br />A treasure to carry a legacy...<br /><br />Within, holds memories that may fade from my mind on the surface<br />but will last with me, in my heart .. for a lifetime. <br /><br />Missing you so much tonight. Wishing I had more than just the memories...Mommyof3giftshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09330938113921105832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7197335555104422315.post-14471799323259341762011-01-26T00:24:00.000-05:002011-01-26T00:24:24.181-05:00Check out this entry I found on Eye of the Beholder.We need your help! Please Vote for the photo of our precious Brayden in the Eye of the Beholder contest with Shutterfly. You can vote daily till Feb. 13th! Thanks for your support!<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://contest.shutterfly.com/contests/showentry/703582">Check out this entry on Eye of the Beholder.</a>Mommyof3giftshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09330938113921105832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7197335555104422315.post-26356556966794505762011-01-05T23:50:00.002-05:002011-01-06T00:29:49.240-05:00FourFour years ago today I was given one of the greatest gifts I ever recieved. <br />Four years ago today, I looked into the face of a precious baby boy. <br />Four years ago today, I began what is now one of the most special 17 months of my life. <br />Four years ago I became Mommy to Brayden Russell. <br /><br />There was no planning a party, there were no candles on a cake<br />Instead of wrapping presents... I was making new floral arrangements. <br />There are visits with friends to Chuck E Cheese... only visits to the cemetary.<br />His Birthday's have lost there joy. <br /><br />It's a day of reflection<br />A day of memories<br />A day of wishing <br />A day of of missing.<br /><br />Today, even though there are tears, I choose to be Thankful.<br />Though there is sadness, I am Thankful for this day he was born<br />Though I yearn and ache for more, I am Thankful for each day, each moment of the 17 months and one day we were given<br />I amThankful for the memories we have.<br /><br />Happy 4th Birthday Sweet Brayden... I love you so much. We miss you more and more each day. What I wouldn't give to see how big you would be, what you would be into, the excitement as you celebrate your day. I can only imagine what this day must be like in Heaven. I can't wait for the day we will hold you and party with you again.<br />Jesus, Please give my baby boy hugs for me today... remind him how much we love him and miss him. <br />Hold him... till we can hold him again.Mommyof3giftshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09330938113921105832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7197335555104422315.post-90595465520603932792010-12-25T20:53:00.002-05:002010-12-25T21:12:22.692-05:00ChristmasIt's that time of the year... the hustle and bustle has begun. People are busy, shopping, and getting ready for Christmas! It's a time for giving, a time for families, a time for memories. <br /><br />We woke up this morning at my in- laws house. We try to do Christmas with each side of the family every other year, alternating with Thanksgiving. So this was the year to be in Maryland. Because Elliana aws born so close to Christmas the year we would have come up here last, this is actually the first year we have been here on Christmas day since 2007. It didn't even dawn on me until we were here. Sitting on the couch, seeing the live tree full of colorful glass balls and tinsil. The memories starting flowing back. It hit with a flow of emotions. In the pit of my stomach the realization caused a churning and an ache. December 2007, the one and only Christmas we were granted to share with our precious Brayden... was here, with Gramma and Papa. I could see the memories like visions or flashbacks. I so treasure these wonderful moments we have captured through beautiful pictures. Yet the longing came back like an unexpected title wave. <br />What a joy it is to see Elliana smile in delight as she and Nathaniel help Gramma finish decorating the tree. How fun it is to sit around the table with everyone. The excitment filled the air as Papa, Daddy and Uncle Brendon play with the kids. <br />Yet the void is so ever present. <br /><br />What I wouldn't give to have him here with us today. How I would give anything to be able to make these memories and share these memories with him. How exciting it would be to have all three of them together. Candy, chocolate, and cookies galore and treats for breakfast. It's definately Christmas. <br />But it's just not the same. <br /><br />The kids were so excited to run downstairs this morning to check on whether or not Santa came! Paper was ripping, trash was flying and the room was full of excitment. Ooh's and ah's could be heard around the room as all the new presents were being discovered. <br />I am so thankful for these moments, so blessed to create these memories, so love the joy all around...<br /><br />Just missing him today... in a big way, and wishing he was here with us.Mommyof3giftshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09330938113921105832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7197335555104422315.post-74222672715141178112010-12-18T20:38:00.005-05:002010-12-26T18:39:34.887-05:00Candlelight<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGgJhsYBhd4LbKzcINfzuU6Vr3kXF_HOKqK3yw-cyh4koanZ52zy13_YYAb-6z5uy3SMFz3yM-yQ2vAFUY_uaU9bUccTUijhZtO0r0rYNcUqv6hXfr7E9fywquhzl2BFJWbCDMdEmCGA4/s1600/candlelight.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 131px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 197px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5555138752746279442" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGgJhsYBhd4LbKzcINfzuU6Vr3kXF_HOKqK3yw-cyh4koanZ52zy13_YYAb-6z5uy3SMFz3yM-yQ2vAFUY_uaU9bUccTUijhZtO0r0rYNcUqv6hXfr7E9fywquhzl2BFJWbCDMdEmCGA4/s400/candlelight.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><div>Through this journey of loss and grief I have come to a very different perspective and appreciation for candlelight.<br /><br />So often used to symbolize light admist darkness, hope in a seemingly unbearable situation the light from a candle is bright, and radiates an amazing beauty.<br /><br />We were blessed with the opportunity to share a special eveing and Christmas dinner with my Compassionate Friends group. It is a tradition that has been for several years. Dinner at Gilligans restaurant, an ornament exhange.. and then a candle lighting.<br /><br />It's such an experience, such a feeling in the air as the room transforms from eating, chatting, and laughter... to quiet, remberance. Each family represented goes to the front of the room, lights a candle in honor of their child, and shares about them. At the end a few moments of silence are shared as we watch all the candles burning.<br />It sad yet selfishly comforting to see all the lives represented that were lost too soon. It's a reminder that we are truly not alone on this journey of bereaved parents.<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ2561nVfA-E16fDKdNsP_c5zzNTPx8b7z2YE5JO-fJgzMPTBd50PNcLjGHhY-B8z6DlG7MKfZmiLNDsjOE5ApQoDlYkXUcRDfIAszB5VwusE_PENsFpKWP804qpakB4B_P_1j_zP_W5w/s1600/memorial+candles.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 299px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5555138756083030466" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ2561nVfA-E16fDKdNsP_c5zzNTPx8b7z2YE5JO-fJgzMPTBd50PNcLjGHhY-B8z6DlG7MKfZmiLNDsjOE5ApQoDlYkXUcRDfIAszB5VwusE_PENsFpKWP804qpakB4B_P_1j_zP_W5w/s400/memorial+candles.jpg" /></a><br /><br />In a beautiful way, the light of the candle shines brightly, reminding us that though Brayden is not here with us phyiscally now... his light still carries on in our hearts.<br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhb-MXdrInPCoc1GOOCNqPCfSOKQ1anv6GgsMFyrZZ0AR8R5DJjWyh56GPJ2AUw7-aPmgYlO09F0Q52pBa_KrT4AOzcLJ_28uSpihSnlVn7guTKP1oWe9wReaDXZ7gfXspM1DrAUS92Bd0/s1600/brz+candle.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 299px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5555138758960031714" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhb-MXdrInPCoc1GOOCNqPCfSOKQ1anv6GgsMFyrZZ0AR8R5DJjWyh56GPJ2AUw7-aPmgYlO09F0Q52pBa_KrT4AOzcLJ_28uSpihSnlVn7guTKP1oWe9wReaDXZ7gfXspM1DrAUS92Bd0/s400/brz+candle.jpg" /></a><br />We will cherish the memories, we will relive the moments through photos, and the love will ring through us all who have been touched by his life.<br /><br />It is a joy to speak his name, it is humbling to be admist and apart of such a group, and to honor the life of our precious gift, Brayden... burning bright through candlelight.</div></div><br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFPYTMNaP19fJdOYxwDtylFbmEthf9cuf31wxK5-SldwRP9H_dt-6kw9GzpCXOuCLF4j2N_eUp4KlsZRLtttCpOyaPZH7TehuKJD7aPeiU9SDoiP4kp2mNeq9-u1B7udwoPSW89CcfSdA/s1600/candles+gifts.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 199px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 126px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5555138759768959970" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFPYTMNaP19fJdOYxwDtylFbmEthf9cuf31wxK5-SldwRP9H_dt-6kw9GzpCXOuCLF4j2N_eUp4KlsZRLtttCpOyaPZH7TehuKJD7aPeiU9SDoiP4kp2mNeq9-u1B7udwoPSW89CcfSdA/s400/candles+gifts.jpg" /></a>Mommyof3giftshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09330938113921105832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7197335555104422315.post-1207470957962077502010-11-28T22:30:00.006-05:002010-11-28T23:12:25.819-05:00Without Him...<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhU4h68sf0lW-UwH5BiRidWdGxmq5IicJW97Yd355w3AHD3Hk8LcWrEWDnKFzeKZrWnFZZtytALN5Uzc4gEToJ6eDqFy_Csz0RtzmOeNcrp9YPUlNLdKXN_dq5HMOerw6_MoYvKZ4gfJV4/s1600/family+pic+2010.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 267px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 400px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5544818424032837538" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhU4h68sf0lW-UwH5BiRidWdGxmq5IicJW97Yd355w3AHD3Hk8LcWrEWDnKFzeKZrWnFZZtytALN5Uzc4gEToJ6eDqFy_Csz0RtzmOeNcrp9YPUlNLdKXN_dq5HMOerw6_MoYvKZ4gfJV4/s400/family+pic+2010.jpg" /></a><br /><div>We got our family pictures taken today. It's the first time since just after E was born... 2 years ago! Its such a bittersweet feeling when I think about pictures. Pictures are a <em>huge</em> part of my life... if you know me, you know that. Everywhere we go, every new event, milestone, etc. requires a picture! I am so excited to capture new memories... to "freeze" these moments with a photo. </div><br /><div>As the same breath it is still so difficult to have "family" pictures taken knowing that ours is incomplete. I feel as though our pictures, as well as our lives will always have a void. I still stop and ask myself, "how can we take a picture together without him?" This came up this week as well as our family gathered for Thanksgiving. As we always do when were together, we piled all the grandkids together for a picture. Again, it felt so wrong... so incomplete. The only comfort I could feel that day was that my neice Zoey, was also missing from the picture as she is far away and couldn't come. </div><br /><div>How I wish it could be different. What I wouldn't give to see these photo's 'complete'. Such a sight it would be to watch Brayden interact with all his cousins and siblings. </div><br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcHw3IzFRAPclo3E7cjQ9JRLFZnZoDCDHYZmJpp2v0_rWF57pC-Lcv9Mwg9_liLBJfDX9TnMeVhtErivtN9FKmS6GLtQNEHfShXHKx6HvzgwhCLQ8NaXFv6mKcwWQR9tA_ZQZJBLxtxjU/s1600/PB265096.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5544818132950807394" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcHw3IzFRAPclo3E7cjQ9JRLFZnZoDCDHYZmJpp2v0_rWF57pC-Lcv9Mwg9_liLBJfDX9TnMeVhtErivtN9FKmS6GLtQNEHfShXHKx6HvzgwhCLQ8NaXFv6mKcwWQR9tA_ZQZJBLxtxjU/s400/PB265096.JPG" /></a><br /><div></div><div>I had every intention to bring one of <a href="http://michellezieg.blogspot.com/2008/11/my-brayden-bears.html">Brayden's Bears</a> with us today and/or a pinwheel to use in the pictures as we have done before... but I forgot. We were already in the car, on the way, late. So I passed on going back. </div><br /><div>Jake and I both wore Awareness ribbon pins as well as our BecauseofBRAYDEN bracelets. We also have our tattoo's that represent in a close way. As Jake said he's with us, all around us. </div><br /><div>I allowed this to comfort me today as we went on with the shoot. I am so glad we will have these memories to save for years to come. Though it was so hard to be there ... without him. </div></div>Mommyof3giftshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09330938113921105832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7197335555104422315.post-40533206903977824702010-11-25T14:22:00.003-05:002010-11-25T23:33:40.372-05:00Chosing to be ThankfulToday, on Thanksgiving I am filled with such a mix of emotions... It is a day of celebration, a day of family, ... a day of Thanks.<br /><br />I saw this sign and was both encouraged and challenged.<br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj86WGKFMQMpNFSRoHXe4FClAVFd7TUiQlUmfD4x1qnP1ciwObo2jiaPIe6lVpHhILgGhiq51etM8TLNTroRomUAZ2EliovU9_F4CDwxTQjjQVmO5jxaG0ULSUpSHxUzr6Uz_WMFf1E6XM/s1600/always+thankful.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5543709364319272738" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj86WGKFMQMpNFSRoHXe4FClAVFd7TUiQlUmfD4x1qnP1ciwObo2jiaPIe6lVpHhILgGhiq51etM8TLNTroRomUAZ2EliovU9_F4CDwxTQjjQVmO5jxaG0ULSUpSHxUzr6Uz_WMFf1E6XM/s400/always+thankful.jpg" /></a><br /><br />As we teach our children about this day, and encourage them to think of all the many blessings we have, all the many things we should be thankful for...<br />And its true. There is Always something to be thankful for. We are so blessed. <br /><br />Yet the feelings of sadness still come over me. I find it hard as I wake up to be filled with gratitude. There are parts of me that want nothing to do with celebrating with family... when mine is still incomplete. Without him, it feels hard to be family. These kind of get togethers and affairs just don't feel the same... I don't think they ever will again. <br /><br />Yet, it is a choice I must make. I want Nathaniel and Elliana to realize all the things that we should be thankful for. They need to see in me the gratitude for so much. <br />We are loved, we are cared for, we are together. <br />And today, I am reminded that I am blessed. <br />I will keep my head up, I will enjoy the time I am given. <br />I will choose to be thankful.Mommyof3giftshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09330938113921105832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7197335555104422315.post-37299488161741616642010-11-25T13:55:00.002-05:002010-11-25T14:16:10.982-05:00Still stabs like a knife...Another day, another wave..<br />It creeps up out of nowhere. <br />Just when you least expect it... when things seem to be going "fine".<br /><br />They say this is to be expected. Grief will always be coming and going like this. It's hard to know what will be the "trigger" at any given moment. <br /><br />It happened in church... near the end of the service. Response time begins, and the couple in front of us slips out... to return moments later with their children. As the worship team began to sing, I could feel the welt begin in my throat.. Mom, Dad, and a friend or family member took turns holding the little blonde boy... pacifier in his mouth. Swaying back and forth, singing and smiling with the little one... clapping his hands. <br />Though a smile crept across my face, the knot worked its way down to my stomach.<br />Why does this have to bother me so much!? It's a beautiful sight to see this family praising and worshiping with their little ones. <br />The little boy, who appeared to be just about 17 months old--or close to it, was then handed to his father. Who proceeded to pick him up to his chest, then onto his shoulders. Holding his hands to sway and praise.. dancing to the music. <br /><br />The waves of memories began. The weight of loss grew heavy like a rock. The flashbacks overtook me. As I could no longer hold the tears or bear the pain I ran out of the sanctuary. <br />I needed to let the tears flow in private. I hated how much this upset me. It hurts so badly and still seems so unfair. <br />That should be my Brayden. He should be perched up on his daddy's shoulders, on daddy's chest.. dancing away in worship. Oh, how he would light up, how he made all of us smile to see him. Those behind us expected it, the enjoyed him and would talk about his special time of worship. <br />Jake should be that daddy holding his son, being swayed back and forth from the weight of his boy dancing. <br />How desperately I miss those moments. What I wouldn't give to experience it again. <br />More than two years... 70 some odd services later...<br />It still stabs right to the heart like a knife.<br /><br />I can only take a deep breath, and think about what the scene in heaven must look like. The endless worship, right at our saviour's feet. The sounds of angels, the singing, the dancing. Brayden must be the hit... in the center of it all... loving every moment. <br />So though it's hurts so deeply now, I will choose to look up, to look ahead... to keep taking steps forward to the future ahead. <br />Knowing a day, very soon.. we will be worshiping with him again.Mommyof3giftshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09330938113921105832noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7197335555104422315.post-20333218271047935952010-10-09T00:05:00.002-04:002010-11-25T23:21:02.729-05:00Missing 3Today I helped out a friend of mine by watching her son while she took her younger one to the doctor. This particular litte boy is 3 years old. He was born just shy of 3 months after Brayden. <br />Though its hard and painful sometimes, I love to sit and watch him. How he interacts, what he is learning, how he talks...<br /><br />Is this what my Brayden would be like? <br /><br /> As I see the kids sitting on the couch together it looks like a picture I should see everyday. <em>Three</em> children sitting together.. 6, 1, and 3.<br /><br />As I see Nathaniel play with him I imagine how my boys would play. I have to giggle at how they get along as brothers would. The love hate relationship feels so natural and thanie gets annoyed with how he doesn't do things the right way, or follows him to much, etc. <br /><br />These things I miss. <br />These things I should be experiencing. <br />These things I wish I could see... and live. <br /><br />Today.. I am missing <em>three.</em> <br />Missing the feeling of having three living children. <br />Missing what it is like to have a three year old. <br />Missing my baby boy... who has left such a void in our family<br />... and an emptiness in my heart.Mommyof3giftshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09330938113921105832noreply@blogger.com0