So.. I've been sitting here for over an hour... with tears in my eyes trying to figure out what to say in this post.
My thoughts are all over the place...
Tonight as I put Elliana to sleep, rocking her and giving her a bottle I couldn't hold back the tears. I was taken back... 11months... scary to even see that number.. How can it possibly been that long? But tonight, it felt like a moment ago... I was there, in that room, rocking my precious Brayden, putting him to sleep, feeding him the bottle, kissing his little head.
Tonight, I was back in time.
But he wasen't there... it was Ellie. How I love her so much. How I want to treasure each of these moments. To love her and hold her. Rock her and kiss her. Praying over her as she prepares to drift off to sleep.
The pain grew... I wanted so badly to enjoy this moment with Elliana but the pain of missing Brayden hurt so badly... what I wouldn't give to have just one more moment. To be able to rock my baby boy one more time.. to whisper how much I love him. To kiss his forehead...
How I miss you sweet boy... My arms ache, my heart aches for you....
This isn't fair...
This isn't the way it's suppose to be...
This wasn't in my life plan!...
It's Mother's Day.
There is nothing I am more proud of or treasure more.. than being Brayden's Mommy. For 17 months and 1 day I shared life with one of the most special, precious boys that ever lived...
and I am thankful.
I love my other two children so much. They mean the world to me.... But it will never be the same.
Today is a day to celebrate Motherhood.
I am a Mom
I will always be a Mom
I will ALWAYS be Brayden's Mommy.
I miss him...
Moments like this I don't want to be a mom... not without him here..
I will make it through.
I CAN do ALL things through CHRIST who strengthens me.
I claim that today...
His peace that passes all understanding
His joy- joy that my other Children bring me.
Joy in the pain, in the frustrations, in the hard times.
Joy that I feel in loving them.
Joy in the fact that I am a Mom
Joy in the memories of my precious gift.
Thank you Lord for making me a Mom.
Thank you for my precious children.
Thank you for each moment I am blessed to live this life with them.
Thank you that you are our Perfect Heavenly Father... and that you make up for all our imperfections... and that in the midst of my inferiority You give me strength.
Help me to be the Mom that You want me to be.
Help me to be the Mom that Elliana and Nathaniel need me to be.
Help me to be the Mom that Honor's You... and Honor's the life You gave through Brayden.
Today is Mother's Day. And I am glad to be a Mom... of three beautiful and precious gifts.