Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother's Day

So.. I've been sitting here for over an hour... with tears in my eyes trying to figure out what to say in this post.

My thoughts are all over the place...

Tonight as I put Elliana to sleep, rocking her and giving her a bottle I couldn't hold back the tears. I was taken back... 11months... scary to even see that number.. How can it possibly been that long? But tonight, it felt like a moment ago... I was there, in that room, rocking my precious Brayden, putting him to sleep, feeding him the bottle, kissing his little head.
Tonight, I was back in time.

But he wasen't there... it was Ellie. How I love her so much. How I want to treasure each of these moments. To love her and hold her. Rock her and kiss her. Praying over her as she prepares to drift off to sleep.

The pain grew... I wanted so badly to enjoy this moment with Elliana but the pain of missing Brayden hurt so badly... what I wouldn't give to have just one more moment. To be able to rock my baby boy one more time.. to whisper how much I love him. To kiss his forehead...

How I miss you sweet boy... My arms ache, my heart aches for you....

This isn't fair...
This isn't the way it's suppose to be...
This wasn't in my life plan!...

It's Mother's Day.
There is nothing I am more proud of or treasure more.. than being Brayden's Mommy. For 17 months and 1 day I shared life with one of the most special, precious boys that ever lived...
and I am thankful.

I love my other two children so much. They mean the world to me.... But it will never be the same.
Today is a day to celebrate Motherhood.
I am a Mom
I will always be a Mom
I will ALWAYS be Brayden's Mommy.

Today hurts.
I miss him...
Moments like this I don't want to be a mom... not without him here..

I will make it through.
I CAN do ALL things through CHRIST who strengthens me.
I claim that today...
His Strength
His peace that passes all understanding
His joy- joy that my other Children bring me.
Joy in the pain, in the frustrations, in the hard times.
Joy that I feel in loving them.
Joy in the fact that I am a Mom
Joy in the memories of my precious gift.

Thank you Lord for making me a Mom.
Thank you for my precious children.
Thank you for each moment I am blessed to live this life with them.
Thank you that you are our Perfect Heavenly Father... and that you make up for all our imperfections... and that in the midst of my inferiority You give me strength.

Help me to be the Mom that You want me to be.
Help me to be the Mom that Elliana and Nathaniel need me to be.
Help me to be the Mom that Honor's You... and Honor's the life You gave through Brayden.

Today is Mother's Day. And I am glad to be a Mom... of three beautiful and precious gifts.

5 comments:

Grandma~rella said...

Hi~ I just want to tell you how much your blog has touched me, especially today, Mother's Day. You are truly an amazing woman...wife and Mommy. I just needed to tell you this. :*) Happy Mother's Day sweetie~I know your precious boy is looking down on you today, with the biggest smiles and sending sweet Angel kisses to you! God bless and love you always!(((HUGS)))
A *new to blogging Friend*

Mommyof3gifts said...

Thank you... for visiting, reading, caring... and taking the time to share that. It means alot...(: Happy Mothers Day!

Tricia said...

Michelle,

You are an amazing mom and I am so blessed to call you friend. I love you and I thought of you a lot today. You are in my heart and I pray that God continues to give you the strength that you need.

Beth.. One Blessed Nana said...

This is a beautiful tribute not only to your 2 little ones now, but to your sweet Brayden who is now in the arms of Jesus. I don't know what happened to your precious little boy, but I will life you up in prayer as you go forth in this new "normal" that has become your life.

Keep your eyes on Jesus - He is the author and perfector of our faith.

Beth

* April's Mom * said...

I just wanted to make sure I could leave you on for this week's His will Wednesday. Do you have an update or anything more specific or can I leaves your request like last weeks? Let me know!

I am sorry Mother's Day was so difficult for you.

Praying,

B