Sunday, December 21, 2008

Life Update...and a ramble of thoughts

Well, ... its been awhile. We made it through thanksgiving. It was hard... who wants to be in the mood to be thankful for anything after the last 6 months?? Decided that I really wanted to go by the memory gardens before heading to dinner. We all went together, brought some lil pumkins and gords that I wanted to bring closer to Halloween. Brayden was my lil punkin... and always will be.

... I miss you so much baby boy.... love you with all my heart!

So ... to the exciting news in our life. We welcomed Elliana Grace on Dec. 4th!!! I am a mommy of a daughter!! Can't even believe it. I was so glad to have my Brayden bears, we took one to the hospital with us and I loved having it there. We also took pictures of Brayden that were set up in the room and it felt so good to have them there.

Your officially a big brother now Mr. Brayden! I'm so glad that I have the pictures from May wearing the pictures of Brayden wearing the onsie I made announcing that he was going to be a big brother!

I have done pretty good over the last 2 weeks... emotions come and go. mixed with all the tiredness and pain from everything. The hardest thing when Ellie was born was when Nathaniel got to the hospital. Seeing him react and get to see his baby sister was so exciting but so extremely hard at the same time. I just cried... it felt so wrong... just the fact that something... someone was missing. I would give anything to have seen how Brayden would react to his lil sister. How would he handle things, would he be good with her? I know he would love her.... Elliana will surely know all about her big brother and will share in all the memories we have.

There have also been nights we just sit and cry... the reality just holding Ellie is hard, brings back such things and memories of holding Brayden. How excited we are to have her, yet how much it hurts and how much we miss Brayden... so hard to put the feelings into words.

The other night Elliana was up... alot! Sleepless nights are hard to get used to again, that broken sleep! .. anyhow, I found myself getting so overwhelmed, frustrated and upset... I finally took her into the nursery and rocked her in our chair. It was so strange... took me back to all the nights with Brayden... I loved the feeling again yet it hurt, and the tears came so much missing my baby boy. All the nights if frustration with Brayden, how I would give anything for just one more chance to hold him again and rock him... Puts things into such perspective. I want to enjoy every second with Ellie. As tired, frustrated and upset as I feel I pray that I can remember those thoughts .. slow myself down and treasure the time I have with her. To comfort her, rock her, calm her down and love her... What a privilage it is to be a mommy...

Well... what a ramble of thoughts this has turned out to be. I am so blessed to have my lil Elliana Grace... but nothing will ever fill the void in my heart for my Brayden.. how I miss you with every fiber in my being... my family will never be the same and I will love and miss each day you are not apart of us.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Went downtown Charleston to Colonial Lake for a special memorial candlelighting ceremony Sunday night. It was put on by the Hospice of Charleston. This is a special time for familes to come and gather around the lake for scripture readings, songs, poems, etc ... to remember all the loved ones no longer with us. Luminaries surrounded the lake and at the beginning of the service we each lit the luminaries of our loved ones. We had 3 luminaries lit honoring my dad, Leonard Russell Ainsworth, Brayden Russell Zieg, and The Moylan's mom, Catherine Susan Moylan. My parents and Lauren joined Jake, Nathaniel and I for the event. It was a hard but special evening. To see alll the luminaries lit around the lake was very moving... so many hundreds of names of loved ones missed so much. I brought one of Brayden's bears and a picture... I hste that we have a reason to go to something like that... but am glad we chose to be a part of it.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


Couldn't sleep last night.... So hard to explain all the emotions I have experienced and feel on a daily basis these past few months...

I just got back froom finalizing the headstone for Brayden. We recieved some images yesterday and last night Jake and I tried to decide and choose just what we wanted for it. So frustrating, it was not an easy task... emotions rise and its easy to get irritable, especially with one another. Why does this suck so bad!?? Something so important, why can't we just get it done easily ....

The deeper truth and questions are why on earth am I designing my sons headstone! This is so unfair.. I hate every part of this....It truly sucks...

At the same time I feel almost a sense of relief.. after almost 6 months I am so glad that things are falling into place for this special monument. I know that it will just bring a sence of completness to his resting place.... some additional closure, .. in a way...It took so long to even start the process, we then were drug on for over a month without hearing anything... I REALLY wanted things to be done and in place before Elliana arrives, ... I just feel that I need to have that time, that moment to go and sit once it is in place before I will be physically not as able and will have an infant to care for at the same time. After such a disappointment and things not moving forward like I thought they should I thought those dreams were shattered. I didn't even think we would have anything for the Holidays which was frustrating.

So I decided to move on....I truly believe that God led me to this new place... the girl that is helping is so nice, they have been wonderful and want to do everything they can to help us. I found out that if we approve the design and get things ordered this week they will make it for us NEXT WEEK!!! I can't even believe it! Not only are we finally moving forward to get this completed but It may be in place before the baby is here. WOW...

A few more changes are being made but I do think we have decided on a special stone to honor our son... can't wait to see the final thing. I would say I'm excited, but thats not it... relieved? not even sure what is it.... feelings are just so bittersweet.....

Least it is one more thing in place... one more thing off the list and off my shoulders that has to be done...I will share pictures once we have it!

My Brayden Bears!

Just something else I wanted to share... I recieved my Brayden Bears!! I Love them sooo much!! These very special bears were made for us by a dear friend Janet ( that I met online in a support group/site. They are each made from clothing that belonged to Brayden. Each one carrying such memories and bringing joy in this tough time. I can't express how it feels to snuggle up and cuddle with something soft, squishy and tangible.. As I look at them I miss my Brayden so much but smile and the opportunity to have such a gift.

If I only had more time....

I hate that I haven't kept this up... It is something I really want to do and just can't seem to get to... along with a list of MANY other things!! I do hope one day to be able to take the time to write out our story... and to share about the life of my precious Brayden.

Till then, I will do my best to at least post some updates..

I wanted to share a picture .. it was done by a couple in Australia that write the names of children who have passed away in the sand and take pictures at sunset. Thought is was so beautiful and something I will treasure..


Saturday, October 11, 2008

Change in Blog ..

Well, I have decided to change this blog around ... I have had a hard time journaling and using paper and pen so I hope that this site will help. My goal is to use this as a tool in healing. A place to write out my experiences, my struggles, and my joys. There are so many memories I want to share and enjoy and hope this creates a place to do just that.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Into the world of blogging! ...

Ok, So many of you have commented to me about the need to start a blog. I should be in bed since both my children are sleeping ( a rarety these days!) but instead I am playing on the computer. Anyhow, I decided to go ahead and create a blog. I'm new at this whole world of blogging so have patience with me as I find my way around. Hope you enjoy the tidbits of my life, and all the craziness as I journal online about me...