Thankful

Today is Thanksgiving.
We are visiting family and having a nice day. Lots of delicious food. Lots of smiles and laughter. Lots of relaxing.

Yet I'm struggling inside.
I want so badly to be thanful for the many blessings we have.
But My heart is hurting.

How can I be thankful admist all the pain I still feel?
How can I be thankful for family... when I am missing such an important part?
How can I smile and be excited to finally be together with family after so long, when I just feel things are so incomplete?

Brayden should be here.
Brayden needs to be here.
This sucks.
How I wish we could all be together.
How I wish Brayden was able to be apart of making dumplings with Papa and Nathaniel as he should be this year...

How I wish things were different.

But yet I stop... take a deep breath, and commit to opening my eyes and my heart to enjoy and be thankful for all the things we do have.

I am thankful for a place to live... our own house at that!
I am thankful for a wonderful, loving, and supportive Husband, who has stuck with me and by me through the last 12 years...
I am thankful for my children. All three of them.
I am thankful for jobs. (especially in such difficult economic times.)
Most of all, I am thankful for my Heavenly Father. Who loves me more than I will ever be able to comprehend, no matter how much I fail. Who wants the best for me.. a future full of hope. A Father who is my ultimate provider.. and always makes a way. A Father who comforts me and holds me in the palm of His hand. A Father who has everything under control.
I know there is so much more... more than I can even list here...
I am blessed, I am hopeful, I am loved, and...
Today... I will choose to be Thankful.

a good cry.

Tonight as I rocked Ellie to sleep, I couldn't hold back the tears.

I was taken back to the nights I rocked you to sleep...

It still hurts so much... I miss you more than words can say.
Yet, the tears don't come as often. The thoughts are not so overpowering.
Life is moving forward.
I guess thats a sign of healing. a new part of this grieving journey. But it still sucks.
It makes me feel guilty, in a way that is hard to express...

I talked about you today. We talked about your birthday. Talked about what we will do. How will we celebrate this year.

What would we do if you were here?? I'm sure it would be a blast. Something like chuck e cheese. I can't believe you'd be 3...

I wish I could make you a cake.
I wish I could decorate and celebrate anyway you would like.

Instead, We will just celebrate the life you lived. Celebrate the time we shared. and take time to remember.

My arms still ache to hold you,
My lips to kiss your forehead.

No real rhyme or reason for the tears today.
Just missing you
tonight made me feel just a little bit better..
tonight I had a good cry.

Gone too long...

Today sucks. Reality sucks. I miss my baby boy.
I am so thankful for every day, every moment we were able to spend with him.
But it wasen't enough.
Time still moves on... life moves forward.
As hard as it is to fathem that ...

Today marks the time that Brayden has now been gone, longer than he was with us...
That's hard to admit. hard to comprehend.
It brings new fears... fears of feelings of forgetfulness. Of feeling like he will be less and less remembered. I can't seem to find the right words, the right emotions or whatever to make sense of these thoughts and feelings.
The mark of today... It somehow brings fears of his life loosing value. I guess this is really my fear of what others might think, or feel.
..as if that should matter.
But it does.
I want his life to be validated. Remembered. Important.
He was Here... he made a huge impact... and was IS a big part of this family.
No matter how many days, months, and years pass by... the 17 months and one day we were gifted to spend with him will always be just as special. Will always mean just as much, and will be treasured forever.

Not much to be said. Not much to feel. It just sucks.
He's been gone too long.

A special moment

Last night, as Jake and I were sitting in the living room relaxing we saw something beautiful. Nathaniel was already in bed and it was about time to put Ellie down, but she was so happy and playing that we left her up.

I looked over to check on her and found her by the fireplace hearth. Several of her toys are kept there so it wasen't unusual to see her over there. But this time was different. She was standing up and placed both hands on the picture of Brayden that sits there. She was right on his face. Jabbering and smiling and laughing. It was the cutest thing. She then grabbed the Brayden bears that sit close by and was hugging/kissing them and putting her face in them.




This was the first time I have seen her "interact" with the picture or bears. It was so special. I cryed, I smiled, and of course I grabbed my camera!

I feel so blessed to have Elliana and Nathaniel. They are my life, my motivation.. and my strength. I know it is because of them more than anything (other than God, of course!) that I make it through each day.

One of the hard things though as I watch them play and grow... is the reminder that they will not grow up with their brother... Nathaniel, very likely, will not remeber him, and Elliana will never know her big brother Brayden.

That is a hard fact to swallow.

But then.. beautiful moments like this one tonight take place... and I have to tell myself, They WILL remember Brayden... Elliana WILL know her brother Brayden, even though she never met him this side of Heaven.

We will share memories.

We will show (MANY!) pictures.

We will watch movies and tell stories.

We will laugh, we will cry...

and we will NEVER Forget.

I love you Brady Boo.... miss you more each day.

Always in my Heart.

Wednesday's Walk ... Down Memory lane...

For today's memory walk, I wanted to go back to one of the last most special memories we had with Brayden. My sister Lauren had gotten married on May 24th. We drove up to Maryland for the wedding and had a great time with friends and family. On the way home we decided to stop at "South of the Border." I knew the boys would enjoy walking around, seeing some silly things and getting ice cream! (Not to mention its a great place for photo's!! ) The highlight was definately being able to go way up in the Sunbraro!
.

The boys checking out the view...


"Fearless"
Mr. Daredevil was ready to jump!

My lil binky boy!


Nathaniel being cute (:



...way, way up in the sky!

Helllooo.. up there!!! ...

Halloween Memories

After a fun and eventful weekend... I couldn't help but sit and reminise tonight on the memories of our Halloween with Brayden. I looked through some more pictures at all the wonderful fall memories we have. Here are some from his first "trick or treating" experience!

My cute lil "Friendly" Ghost!

~Brothers~

The Boys! Brayden, Nathaniel and Paulie (: ... Ready to get some candy!! (and not wanting to take pictures! lol)

Once we got home to relax lil mr. curious found out there was some good stuff inside that pumpkin!

We had a fun night!

Remembering our Babies...

Today is...

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

I'm not sure if I feel that I belong in this category or not. It is a difficult thing that I struggle with. I hate the fact that I can empathize with many other Mothers who can also say, "I have lost a child". I have not lost an infant. I have been pregnant 3 times. I have 3 beautiful children. I am also so blessed to say that I have never had a miscarriage. When you see my family, there are only 4 of us. In June of 2008 our precious Brayden went home to the arms of Jesus at 17 months old.
Since loosing Brayden, it has been amazing how many people I meet or hear about everyday who also know this pain. Who have lost babies too soon or never had the joy of holding the precious ones being knit together in the womb. It's a journey noone should have to walk. It's a heartache noone wants to feel. It's hard. It hurts.
But God Heals. His peace passes all understanding, and He truly is there to carry you through. I am so thankful for the family and friends that we have to surround us, encourage us, and lift us up in prayer. I know it is the Grace and Mercy of my God, my comforter, who has helped us make it through the dark days.
Today, I want to take time to remember all the angel babies, who await us in Heaven. I know that one day we will celebrate with them in that beautiful place. I am thankful for the hope that gives me to know I will hold my baby boy again.
A Mother's Heart is a special thing. Whether it was for a few days, weeks or even years that you have called yourself a Mother; know that you are special. God has called us to an amazing place to be called Mothers. He holds us in the midst of our pain and knows what is like to loose a child.
I have 2 children here with me to love on and raise here on earth but cannot wait until the day that I am reconnected with my beautiful Brayden. That will be an amazing day. I am blessed with so many things and filled with Hope for the future that I know my creater holds for us. I believe in the scripture that states, "ALL things work together for the good of those who Love Him and are called according to His purpose." and, "He who began a good work in US, will bring it to completion..." I know that God will use us to touch the lives of others and help bless others in the midst of our hurting. I want to bring Him glory and allow Him to make beauty of these ashes.
To all those who have experienced pain and loss. I pray God's peace that passes all understanding. I pray for comfort and for strength to face each day.
We Remember them.

Brayden Russell
Jan. 5,2007 - June 6, 2008