Angel Tree

This year, for the first time, I did something I've wanted to do for 3 years. I've even started but not followed through... till this year.

Christmas time is naturally such a difficult time. It brings up so many emotions, so many reminders that he is not here, and is missing out on family memories. One of the hardest aspects is the gift giving. As I ponder, shop, wrap and dream about all the gifts we want to give our kids I can't help but think of all the gifts that I'm not giving again this year. The ones I can't purchase the ones that there is no longer a need for. I hate to admit that I don't even have a clue what those gifts would be! What would he be into if he was still here. What are other boys his age in to? nathaniel is not that much older than he, so why can't I even force myself to think of what 4/5 year old boys do- want- like.

It's apart of the Holiday I hate. It's a part of the Holiday I miss... yet it's a part that I could be doing in a way that would bless others.
So I went up to the Angel tree... as I looked at all the cards, I saw names, I read ages, I saw interests, dreams, hopes. These are children that won't really have a christmas without the love and support from someone else.
And here I am with all this extra love I want so badly to give but can't.
So I did it. I chose a name.

He is Kylique.
He is 5 years old.
He loves games, basketball, and movies.

Though he may not be 'mine'.. he was mine for the Holiday. He was mine for the gift buying, he was mine for the blessing.
I got the kids involved and told them about the special boy that we needed to shop for and prepare to bless this christmas. Though it was hard at moments we enjoyed shopping and gathering all the items to fill his bag. An outfit for school, a new pair of cool shoes, a basketball, some movies and a game...
I can only hope that the gifts we found brought excitment and smiles to his face as he opened them.
I know it blessed me and warmed my heart to think of, care for and shop for this sweet little boy. I needed him as much as he needed us this year. And I'm thankful for my Angel Tree boy.

Back in Line

Well... I have been seeing a psychiatrist for several months now and finally feel like we are getting some where. It's amazing the things that can come up when you dig, question, and just allow them to. A few weeks ago I had a major breakthrough in my healing/ greiving process.

It goes back to a time about 3 years ago, not too long after Brayden's accident, while sitting at a compassionate friends meeting. One of the other moms (who had lost a daughter to a fire) shared that she was doing so much better, that with the help of her counselor she felt she was moving forward and facing life so much more postivily. The reason she stated was that she had moved her daughter from HERE (placing her hand smack in front of her face!) to here (placing her hand lowered and to the side of her face.) Humm.. I remember thinking, that sounds ok, sounds interesting... but I really didn't "get" it.
So all these years later, having life taken us through all it has and knowing where I ended up this summer, that thought came back to me. Though I feel so stressed, overwhelmed, unable to handle kids/life/ etc.. I was being told that these things were part of my 'compicated grief' That it was somewhat all related to the loss of Brayden. I was feeling consumed, overwhelmed, closed in on... by life... but was it really? Or was it more that I was allowing myself to be consumed with Brayden, his death, the guilt that surrounds it, the what, how, who, etc.. of how to carry on and help my family as I need to, etc..
Like a light bulb going off I realized that I too had my Hand smack in front of my face. That I was holding Brayden, his death, and all those other things front and center in my life and it was affecting my ability to deal with all the other things I need to do.
While talking to my Dr. she went on to continue this analogy by showing me the struggle my children, my husband, my committments, etc. were all being affected by this "wall of sorts' I had place in front of me. (While placing her Hand in front of her face) Do you see, here is Ellie trying to talk to her mommy, Here is Nathaniel trying to get Mommy's attention, can you see them? hear them or attend to them like you need (this way) ?
Was Brayden that much more important than any of them?
Was my selfish feelings, guilt, saddness, need to remember more important than them?

Wow. It made so much sence now.
Wow. How, Why had I done this and lived this way for so long?

She continued on to not only move her hand down lower to the side of her face but directly in her periferal view. She shared how He needs to be right where everything else is. Still in view, still there, still just as important... but sharing the light with Jake, Ellie, Nathaniel, Me, Life, Others. She illustrated it like a fan, moving all around the front of me. All in a row.. all in sight, all together yet in their own spot. All accessible.
I had moved Brayden from his spot and given him rule over everything. Which made me no good at many things. He was taking over, and taking me away from so many things that needed me.
It was time for him to return to his place.
To just be 'one of them'.
Apart of my life, yes.
But not front and center.
Just Back in Line with the others where he should be.

Thankful to be Confronted

Over the last year I have really found the importance of being thankful for the blessings we have. It is so easy to get overwhelmed with life, the negative, the pain, and forget about all the good things. I have made it a goal to find something each day to be thankful for. Though I have not done as well as I hoped I would it has challenged my thoughts and has made me look at each day a little differently.

One of the things I am so thankful for is Dr. West.
For 3 years we struggled with finding a Dr., counselor, social worker, etc. to help Nathaniel. With my background I know the importance of getting help and talking about things with other trusted people. Due to scheduling, personality clashes, finaces, etc.. we have seem to hit one brick wall after another. As Nathaniel gets older I worry about his anxiety, his grieving, his memories... I want for him to process what he had to experience at such a young age the right way and begin the process of healing so that it makes him a better, stronger, more loving and appreciative person.
Several months, well almost a year ago, we were told about a local child psychologist Dr. West. He is in high demand and hard to get in with but is excellent with kids. Though we waited a while for an appointment it was worth it ten times over! Nathaniel has hit it off so well with Dr. West. has opened up and shared things, and has made lots of progress through his appointments. Dr. West has so much experience, is so wise in his years, but can cut it up with Nathaniel just the same. He is funny, smart, caring, and intuitive.

Well back a few months, Dr. West asked me to schedule a seperate appointment without Nathaniel so that we could just talk more openly. We always take a few minutes at the beginning or end of appointments but Nathaniel is there (along with Ellie and even Avery at times!)So this particular appointment was set aside for just us.

I believe it was late June. I was stressed, having trouble coping with life, struggling at home with Nathaniel, etc..
Dr. West sat me down in his office and immediately stated that he was worried about Me. He told me that he wanted to share some observations but to correct him if he was seeing things wrong. He went on to say that he saw me as overwhemed, up to my eyeballs and greatly struggling. He said He imagined I was not handeling life in general very well... especially at home.
Before he was even finished talking the tears began to flow. Here is this man, who hardly know me at all... sees me for a few moments every other week... but can see right through me!
Though I knew how bad things were I denied that fact that I was "depressed". I don't sit around crying for hours, thinking about Brayden like I used to. I 'know better' that to be depressed. With my background, education, etc.. that can't be me. But as we talked on Dr. West looked me in the eye and told me, those hours mindlessly behind the computer, sitting in one spot on the couch, avoiding many of lives responsibilities, etc... "That's called depression". I cried, alot. It was so hard to hear this.. about myself. But knew it was so true. Things had gotten out of hand. I was hurting, and needed to do something about it. He encouraged me to call someone right away. To talk to a psychiatrist about my medication, which was obviously not doing it's job.
"Nathaniel is really doing ok," he said, "but he's not going to continue to get better if you don't take care of yourself. " To know that me and my problems were not only hurting myself but my family as well was a hard pill to swallow.

Wow. I left feeling overwhelemed, suprised, hurt, this was not what I expected.
But I felt a sence of hope, encouragement and motivation to for the first time in along time, take care of me. I was actually glad that he had been so honest and straight forward with me.
I was caught off guard.
I was put in my place.
I was forced to look inward.
And I have never been so thankful to be confronted.

OH Blogger... I have missed you!

Wow.. so it has been entirely too long since I've written. I've said it before but I hate that life gets so busy and it's things like this blog that get pushed aside, and pretty much forgotten.
I miss my freedom to write here... the chance to put out my feelings, give voice to my thoughts.
So much has taken place since I've written. It has been quite an interesting few months. I've made notes and begun to write down thoughts and updates but never got it all down together here. So now I am going to try and catch up. Pardon me now as it will probably be all over the place.
It's hard to even know where to begin, how to fit it in to one post. So I think I am going to take it a little at a time, in different posts.
So much has been needed...
So many necessary changes
So many "new's"
So much to be thankful for.

Not Enough

Grief sucks
I feel knocked off my feet again.
The weight is heavy on my chest.
I can't see past this storm.

My head hurts
My emotions are raw
My eyes are puffy
I've had my cry.... more than one.

But tonight, its not enough.

I hate this feeling.

I've given my time
I've shared my heart
I've tried to make a difference
I've tried to make his life carry on

But tonight, its not enough.

I just want him here.

I've screwed up in so many areas
I feel so disoriented ...with life.
I wish things would stop spinning around me
And life would pause

But tonight, that wouldn't be enough.

I just want things back the way they were
It hurts.
It sucks.
Its unfair.

Yet, Its my reality.

Tonight, nothings good enough.

Tough Questions

Over the last several months we have had the opportunity to share our story with MANY people. It means so much to have my life, experiences, and dreams encourage someone else. I have been told by lots that there is power to our story. I feel as though it is all I have, I have no option but to use it, share it and hope that it will make a difference for someone else.

To save one life, would make it all worth it.

To help others to think about things differently

To make bettere choices...

That would give me purpose

That would give reason behind my pain

That would create even more value to a precious life, lost too soon

Through the organization we have had a number of invitations for Interviews

This particular interview was certainly the hardest one yet...

She was very nice, and compassionate. But when it was time for the questioning she pryed very hard. Asking questions like How he specifically got out the back door, and exactely what we felt in the moment we 'found' him. What was the first thing we did, said, etc..

It was so difficult. Felt like someone pulled the rug from under me and it caught me so off guard. I felt myself getting so emotional and I wanted desperately to keep it together.

My reason for coming, my purpose for sharing was to focus on water safety. I want to encourage other people to not make the mistakes we made, by educating on the things that can and should be done.

But why was she digging deeper into the details of this awful tradgedy? Why did she feel the need to open up such painful memories?

I was at a loss for words.

The camera was rolling and I tried hard to make it obvious to move on..

God gave me the strength to answer honestly but briefly.

I was able to keep going.

I was so glad when it was over.

But I was also thankful. I knew that time was going to come. I knew I would be faced with those questions and forced into uncomfortable situations.

And now that 'first' time is done.

And I'm stronger because of it.

...I can only hope those who heard the interview saw the heart of my message and were encouraged to do things different. To help save lives.

First Responder

For a long time now I have had lots of questions.

Truths I really don't want to be told, things I'm not sure I want to hear... but answers that yet, I feel I need.

Ever since the accident I have wanted to know why we never left the house that night. I have read, heard and met many others who went through similar accidents, and each one of them was rushed, usually airlifted, to the hospital.

Why is it that it took (what seemed to me) forever for EMS to arrive?

Why did the firetruck arrive first and not until several moments later the ambulance?

Do the first responders truly have the same training and equipment as the ambulance/ paramedic??

... Would any of this really made a difference?

An opportunity showed up at one of the most unexpected times.

It was May 22, 2011.

2nd Annual Water Safety Day

I saw a few of the members of the fire department looking at the B.O.B table and saw them talking. I didn't think much of it. We had invited them (for the 2nd year) to come participate with us and looked forward to partnering with them more in the future.

It wasn't until I heard them talking about addresses and then a friend, Jo, turned to find me and ask me my address that I looked over and saw her.

As soon as our eyes met, I knew that the one Jo had been talking to, was one of those who responded the night of the accident.

A flood of emotions raced through me as I walked over to the group.

I could see the memories come flashing back as she shared how deeply Brayden's accident had impacted her. In fact, knowing that they were coming to a "drowning prevention" event, she had shared with a co-worker about our story... never assuming that we were the same family.

That was, until she saw Brayden's picture.

I was moved and encouraged as she shared how rare it is to get to meet or see a family again after a call, especially when it was a difficult outcome.

She was so thankful to see that we had made the decision to make something positive out of our tragedy and do all that we can to educate others.

I couldn't hold it in... I had to open the box and begin to ask some of the questions that had flooded my thoughts for so long. This was not the way, the setting that I had imagined. I did not feel prepared- but yet I just had to take the opportunity put in front of me.

Though emotions took over and I stumbled over words I did hear some things I needed to hear that day.

I didn't feel that I received the 'answers' I was looking for but somehow I still felt a bit of peace.

I don't believe in coincidences... I believe this was a divine meeting. I hope that it impacted her the way it impacted me and I am thankful.