Friday, October 16, 2009

Remembering our Babies...

Today is...

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

I'm not sure if I feel that I belong in this category or not. It is a difficult thing that I struggle with. I hate the fact that I can empathize with many other Mothers who can also say, "I have lost a child". I have not lost an infant. I have been pregnant 3 times. I have 3 beautiful children. I am also so blessed to say that I have never had a miscarriage. When you see my family, there are only 4 of us. In June of 2008 our precious Brayden went home to the arms of Jesus at 17 months old.
Since loosing Brayden, it has been amazing how many people I meet or hear about everyday who also know this pain. Who have lost babies too soon or never had the joy of holding the precious ones being knit together in the womb. It's a journey noone should have to walk. It's a heartache noone wants to feel. It's hard. It hurts.
But God Heals. His peace passes all understanding, and He truly is there to carry you through. I am so thankful for the family and friends that we have to surround us, encourage us, and lift us up in prayer. I know it is the Grace and Mercy of my God, my comforter, who has helped us make it through the dark days.
Today, I want to take time to remember all the angel babies, who await us in Heaven. I know that one day we will celebrate with them in that beautiful place. I am thankful for the hope that gives me to know I will hold my baby boy again.
A Mother's Heart is a special thing. Whether it was for a few days, weeks or even years that you have called yourself a Mother; know that you are special. God has called us to an amazing place to be called Mothers. He holds us in the midst of our pain and knows what is like to loose a child.
I have 2 children here with me to love on and raise here on earth but cannot wait until the day that I am reconnected with my beautiful Brayden. That will be an amazing day. I am blessed with so many things and filled with Hope for the future that I know my creater holds for us. I believe in the scripture that states, "ALL things work together for the good of those who Love Him and are called according to His purpose." and, "He who began a good work in US, will bring it to completion..." I know that God will use us to touch the lives of others and help bless others in the midst of our hurting. I want to bring Him glory and allow Him to make beauty of these ashes.
To all those who have experienced pain and loss. I pray God's peace that passes all understanding. I pray for comfort and for strength to face each day.
We Remember them.

Brayden Russell
Jan. 5,2007 - June 6, 2008

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Wednesday's Thursday's Walk ... Down Memory lane...

It's thursday.. but I really wanted to post another memory for my Wednesday's walk down memory lane and my internet has been down for a few days so I was not able to do it yesterday. So, a day late, here it goes...

It's October. It's hard to believe that fall is upon us and the end of another year is near. It is a tough time of year... when festivities begin and Holidays are spent with family. A time of year when many dearly miss loved ones who are not here with us. Last year was hard. Last year I didn't want to do anything this time of year. I felt paralized in sorts. Like I couldn't do anything... without my Brayden. We didn't go to the pumpkin patch, no hayrides or scarecrows... there just wasn't the same excitment. This year I still miss him so much. It's still hard. But this year, instead of the intense pain of feeling like I can't move on, I just truly miss him. I look forward to the days ahead. I have a new excitment of seeing Elliana experience things for the first time. I watch in wonder as Nathaniel gains new insight and understands things in such a new way as he gets older. New memories are to be made, so many moments to be treasured.

As I think about the season ahead I choose to focus on the memories and moments that were shared with Brayden. The joy he brought us in the time we had with him is unforgetable and irreplaceable. We did so much with Brayden the first and only Holiday season he spent with us. Pumpkin patch (es!), hayrides, costumes, pictures, family, more pictures, presents, and yes Candy! Did I mention memories? Do I have pictures? Oh yes.... Sooo many!! Over this next month I want to share our Fall adventure memories on Wednesdays.

My lil Punkin'!
I love fall. I love the weather, I love the colors, I love the pumpkins, and all the festivities! I always called Brayden "my lil punkin!" because he was so teeny. Nathaniel was a small baby... but Brayden even had him beat. I loved that we had small cute cuddly babies... and 'punkin' just always fit and stuck with Brady Boo.

I start with our first trip to the pumpkin patch. No, not a real patch... just a local church that sells lots of pupkins. My sister was here visiting with my nephew and my Mom was also with us. We were so excited to take the kids to get pumpkins and take cute pictures! We packed everyone up and got there, just to find that they were closed! We were so upset... and so were the boys. We decided that there was no reason why we couldn't walk around and take pictures anyway! What harm was there in that? so thats what we did. The boys were amazed and how many pumpkins there were and how many different sizes they were. Big ones, small ones, tiny ones... even some white and green ones! Now... taking pictures of a 10 month old, 1 1/2 yeaar old and 3 year old are not easy! (to say the least!)... especially when there are consumed with and completely distracted by thousands of pumpkins! It was fun interesting, trying to capture these moments. (Between stopping rolling pumpkins and catching falling displays as to not... ahem ... destroy the place. ) Here are some of my favorite shots from that day.

The Boys! Cousins at the Pumpkin Patch Place to Buy Pumpkins!

My cuties surrounded by orange! He LOVED all the pumpkins! Especially all the little ones he could hold on to.

My adorable Boys
Another of the many faces of my expressive Brayden!

chillin' with pumpkins (:
Such sweet memories.. such a fun day. We miss you everyday sweet Brayden. You will always be my precious lil punkin!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Just thoughts...

I haven't posted here in awhile. I'm just not sure what to type. Life is here... it's moving forward, somehow. But it's still hard. I feel like I'm stuck in slow quicksand... I can see the other side and know I want to get out. I feel like I'm making steps in the right direction, but somehow I just end up deeper in crud or backwards. I just don't know how to catch up or get back on track with things. How could I have left things be for so long... to get so bad. I know I did what I needed to do by staying home, but it's hard to realize how much that hurt us financially. How can I get rid of this overwhelming feeling so that I can begin to clear my head and focus on the important things? I just can't make sense of anything... I want to make things right, but instead nothing is getting done.

I finally cleaned out some of my old purses and wallets. Found Brayden's health insurance card. I couldn't throw it away. It made me feel sad.. but made me happy all at once. It was that reminder, that assurance that yes, he was here... he did exist. It's hard to imagine that life will go on and soon those mere moments in life that were spent with my Brayden will feel smaller and smaller. Were getting closer to the time when he will be gone longer than he was here with us. Thats a hard fact to swallow.
I miss him. I miss life with him. I miss knowing what things would be like. I miss not being able to see Ellie and him interact. I miss the things that will never be.
I want to focus on the memories. I need to cherish the moments more.
Life is too short.