Sunday, July 29, 2012

Unreachable milestones

I have been having a really rough time this year.  I've stated it before... but it keeps hitting me repeatedly.  Brayden would be 5 this year.  F I V E.  Wow.  Such a number, such an age, such a milestone.  No longer toddler, not quite grown... but a Boy. 
The age of 5 stands for so many things.  Most of all ... School.  This fall Brayden should be starting Kindergarten. 
I should be buying school supplies, I should be dreading and counting down the days, I should be in that kindergarten denial.  The tears have come more often than I expected.  It hurts deeper than I expected it would. 
I have several friends who have children preparing to start school next month.  The excitement, anticipation, and nerves all run high.  How I wish more than anything I was preparing for those moments. 

It's. Just. Not. Fair. 
Yet another milestone that will never be reached.  One more thing that will never happen.  One more reality of life without him

I miss him. 
I miss the way things are supposed to be. 

Elliana is growing like a weed as well.  This year we started dance classes.  How I love to watch my sweet little ballerina.  She also decided to do soccer with Avery. 
This was hard. 
How would Brayden be with sports?  He would be old enough for tball as well?  Would he want to play?  Would he jump right in and excel or be uninterested and uncoordinated? 
Such a perspective to see the world.  Such a way to watch my daughter grow up. 
Watching all the things that "should have been" 

I want to treasure each moment of her life.  I do cherish all the memories of each day. 
But the thoughts just creep in and it's so hard to let them go. 
I desire for the joy, excitement and pride of a Mom to shine through. 
How I wish I could watch her without the thoughts of Brayden. 

How I wish I didn't feel surrounded by and reminded daily of all the unreachable milestones.

Thursday, June 7, 2012


Well the day has come... and just about gone.  It's hard to believe.  I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that it has been FOUR years since my precious baby boy has been gone. 
I miss him so freaking much. 
I wish it still didn't hurt so bad. 

Jake took off work as he always does on this day.  The kids even slept in for us which was an amazing bonus!  We hung around lazy for a bit then decided to get up and out the door to make something of this day.. together.  There was nothing special planned.  No hoop-la, no party, no gathering. 
Just us.
First stop was the cemetary.  We took balloons, a little polkadot stuffed dog, a few new pinwheels and of course had to do pictures.  I felt so guilty realizing how long its been since I brought flowers.  I need to put some together to take out there soon. 

It had gotten to late in the day for our original plans so we quickly decided on heading down to Folly beach to walk out on the pier.  It was incredibly windy but felt nice.  After a night/morning of pouring rain and reduced temperatures, I was encouraged to see the weather clear up and sun come out enough for us to enjoy being outside. 

During a recent visit with a counselor I discussed my fears of forgetting.  I worry so much about how the details seem to disapear over time.  I dread the day that I can't remember the little things about my sweet boy. 
So she challenged my to start making an (ongoing) list.  This is going to be a list of things I remember about Brayden, that I want to be sure to remember or just things that come to mind. 
I do miss my Wednesday's Walk down Memory Lane posts and want to strive to start them again... but for now I will just work on creating this list. 
I will remember him. 

That silly obsession with the bellybutton!
Mr. Drama King and the flinging back of his head as he sighed in frustration over things...
The way he hated the grass on his bare knees and would crawl on his hands and toes.
HIs infectious smile.
The way he LOVED Praise time at church.
The way he cuddled.  The moments he crawled up in my lap in the middle of an activity-- just to give a hug, and hop right back to playing.
The love of BALLS!
The sound of his laughter as he wrestled and tickled with Daddy and Bubby. His determination to ALWAYS fit right in.
The countless nights in the rocking chair... holding my precious one tight putting him to sleep (and fearing putting him down, that he might wake! LoL)
The pacifiers!
The little curls that had just begun to form on the crest of his little neck
Cutting the grass with Daddy!
Sweet potatoes!
The "un" pea face!

I could go on and on... and I will.  In time.  I long to see this list grow and grow with all the amazing memories we have. 
I am so thankful for each moment. 
What I wouldn't give to rock him, hold, him, kiss him, cuddle him... just once more. 

I love you so much baby boy!!! Up to the moon... and back!
Miss you more each day and can't wait till the day I see you again. 

Monday, January 2, 2012

Angel Tree

This year, for the first time, I did something I've wanted to do for 3 years. I've even started but not followed through... till this year.

Christmas time is naturally such a difficult time. It brings up so many emotions, so many reminders that he is not here, and is missing out on family memories. One of the hardest aspects is the gift giving. As I ponder, shop, wrap and dream about all the gifts we want to give our kids I can't help but think of all the gifts that I'm not giving again this year. The ones I can't purchase the ones that there is no longer a need for. I hate to admit that I don't even have a clue what those gifts would be! What would he be into if he was still here. What are other boys his age in to? nathaniel is not that much older than he, so why can't I even force myself to think of what 4/5 year old boys do- want- like.

It's apart of the Holiday I hate. It's a part of the Holiday I miss... yet it's a part that I could be doing in a way that would bless others.
So I went up to the Angel tree... as I looked at all the cards, I saw names, I read ages, I saw interests, dreams, hopes. These are children that won't really have a christmas without the love and support from someone else.
And here I am with all this extra love I want so badly to give but can't.
So I did it. I chose a name.

He is Kylique.
He is 5 years old.
He loves games, basketball, and movies.

Though he may not be 'mine'.. he was mine for the Holiday. He was mine for the gift buying, he was mine for the blessing.
I got the kids involved and told them about the special boy that we needed to shop for and prepare to bless this christmas. Though it was hard at moments we enjoyed shopping and gathering all the items to fill his bag. An outfit for school, a new pair of cool shoes, a basketball, some movies and a game...
I can only hope that the gifts we found brought excitment and smiles to his face as he opened them.
I know it blessed me and warmed my heart to think of, care for and shop for this sweet little boy. I needed him as much as he needed us this year. And I'm thankful for my Angel Tree boy.

Back in Line

Well... I have been seeing a psychiatrist for several months now and finally feel like we are getting some where. It's amazing the things that can come up when you dig, question, and just allow them to. A few weeks ago I had a major breakthrough in my healing/ greiving process.

It goes back to a time about 3 years ago, not too long after Brayden's accident, while sitting at a compassionate friends meeting. One of the other moms (who had lost a daughter to a fire) shared that she was doing so much better, that with the help of her counselor she felt she was moving forward and facing life so much more postivily. The reason she stated was that she had moved her daughter from HERE (placing her hand smack in front of her face!) to here (placing her hand lowered and to the side of her face.) Humm.. I remember thinking, that sounds ok, sounds interesting... but I really didn't "get" it.
So all these years later, having life taken us through all it has and knowing where I ended up this summer, that thought came back to me. Though I feel so stressed, overwhelmed, unable to handle kids/life/ etc.. I was being told that these things were part of my 'compicated grief' That it was somewhat all related to the loss of Brayden. I was feeling consumed, overwhelmed, closed in on... by life... but was it really? Or was it more that I was allowing myself to be consumed with Brayden, his death, the guilt that surrounds it, the what, how, who, etc.. of how to carry on and help my family as I need to, etc..
Like a light bulb going off I realized that I too had my Hand smack in front of my face. That I was holding Brayden, his death, and all those other things front and center in my life and it was affecting my ability to deal with all the other things I need to do.
While talking to my Dr. she went on to continue this analogy by showing me the struggle my children, my husband, my committments, etc. were all being affected by this "wall of sorts' I had place in front of me. (While placing her Hand in front of her face) Do you see, here is Ellie trying to talk to her mommy, Here is Nathaniel trying to get Mommy's attention, can you see them? hear them or attend to them like you need (this way) ?
Was Brayden that much more important than any of them?
Was my selfish feelings, guilt, saddness, need to remember more important than them?

Wow. It made so much sence now.
Wow. How, Why had I done this and lived this way for so long?

She continued on to not only move her hand down lower to the side of her face but directly in her periferal view. She shared how He needs to be right where everything else is. Still in view, still there, still just as important... but sharing the light with Jake, Ellie, Nathaniel, Me, Life, Others. She illustrated it like a fan, moving all around the front of me. All in a row.. all in sight, all together yet in their own spot. All accessible.
I had moved Brayden from his spot and given him rule over everything. Which made me no good at many things. He was taking over, and taking me away from so many things that needed me.
It was time for him to return to his place.
To just be 'one of them'.
Apart of my life, yes.
But not front and center.
Just Back in Line with the others where he should be.