Thursday, November 26, 2009


Today is Thanksgiving.
We are visiting family and having a nice day. Lots of delicious food. Lots of smiles and laughter. Lots of relaxing.

Yet I'm struggling inside.
I want so badly to be thanful for the many blessings we have.
But My heart is hurting.

How can I be thankful admist all the pain I still feel?
How can I be thankful for family... when I am missing such an important part?
How can I smile and be excited to finally be together with family after so long, when I just feel things are so incomplete?

Brayden should be here.
Brayden needs to be here.
This sucks.
How I wish we could all be together.
How I wish Brayden was able to be apart of making dumplings with Papa and Nathaniel as he should be this year...

How I wish things were different.

But yet I stop... take a deep breath, and commit to opening my eyes and my heart to enjoy and be thankful for all the things we do have.

I am thankful for a place to live... our own house at that!
I am thankful for a wonderful, loving, and supportive Husband, who has stuck with me and by me through the last 12 years...
I am thankful for my children. All three of them.
I am thankful for jobs. (especially in such difficult economic times.)
Most of all, I am thankful for my Heavenly Father. Who loves me more than I will ever be able to comprehend, no matter how much I fail. Who wants the best for me.. a future full of hope. A Father who is my ultimate provider.. and always makes a way. A Father who comforts me and holds me in the palm of His hand. A Father who has everything under control.
I know there is so much more... more than I can even list here...
I am blessed, I am hopeful, I am loved, and...
Today... I will choose to be Thankful.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

a good cry.

Tonight as I rocked Ellie to sleep, I couldn't hold back the tears.

I was taken back to the nights I rocked you to sleep...

It still hurts so much... I miss you more than words can say.
Yet, the tears don't come as often. The thoughts are not so overpowering.
Life is moving forward.
I guess thats a sign of healing. a new part of this grieving journey. But it still sucks.
It makes me feel guilty, in a way that is hard to express...

I talked about you today. We talked about your birthday. Talked about what we will do. How will we celebrate this year.

What would we do if you were here?? I'm sure it would be a blast. Something like chuck e cheese. I can't believe you'd be 3...

I wish I could make you a cake.
I wish I could decorate and celebrate anyway you would like.

Instead, We will just celebrate the life you lived. Celebrate the time we shared. and take time to remember.

My arms still ache to hold you,
My lips to kiss your forehead.

No real rhyme or reason for the tears today.
Just missing you
tonight made me feel just a little bit better..
tonight I had a good cry.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Gone too long...

Today sucks. Reality sucks. I miss my baby boy.
I am so thankful for every day, every moment we were able to spend with him.
But it wasen't enough.
Time still moves on... life moves forward.
As hard as it is to fathem that ...

Today marks the time that Brayden has now been gone, longer than he was with us...
That's hard to admit. hard to comprehend.
It brings new fears... fears of feelings of forgetfulness. Of feeling like he will be less and less remembered. I can't seem to find the right words, the right emotions or whatever to make sense of these thoughts and feelings.
The mark of today... It somehow brings fears of his life loosing value. I guess this is really my fear of what others might think, or feel. if that should matter.
But it does.
I want his life to be validated. Remembered. Important.
He was Here... he made a huge impact... and was IS a big part of this family.
No matter how many days, months, and years pass by... the 17 months and one day we were gifted to spend with him will always be just as special. Will always mean just as much, and will be treasured forever.

Not much to be said. Not much to feel. It just sucks.
He's been gone too long.

Friday, November 6, 2009

A special moment

Last night, as Jake and I were sitting in the living room relaxing we saw something beautiful. Nathaniel was already in bed and it was about time to put Ellie down, but she was so happy and playing that we left her up.

I looked over to check on her and found her by the fireplace hearth. Several of her toys are kept there so it wasen't unusual to see her over there. But this time was different. She was standing up and placed both hands on the picture of Brayden that sits there. She was right on his face. Jabbering and smiling and laughing. It was the cutest thing. She then grabbed the Brayden bears that sit close by and was hugging/kissing them and putting her face in them.

This was the first time I have seen her "interact" with the picture or bears. It was so special. I cryed, I smiled, and of course I grabbed my camera!

I feel so blessed to have Elliana and Nathaniel. They are my life, my motivation.. and my strength. I know it is because of them more than anything (other than God, of course!) that I make it through each day.
One of the hard things though as I watch them play and grow... is the reminder that they will not grow up with their brother... Nathaniel, very likely, will not remeber him, and Elliana will never know her big brother Brayden.
That is a hard fact to swallow.
But then.. beautiful moments like this one tonight take place... and I have to tell myself, They WILL remember Brayden... Elliana WILL know her brother Brayden, even though she never met him this side of Heaven.
We will share memories.
We will show (MANY!) pictures.
We will watch movies and tell stories.
We will laugh, we will cry...
and we will NEVER Forget.
I love you Brady Boo.... miss you more each day.
Always in my Heart.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Wednesday's Walk ... Down Memory lane...

For today's memory walk, I wanted to go back to one of the last most special memories we had with Brayden. My sister Lauren had gotten married on May 24th. We drove up to Maryland for the wedding and had a great time with friends and family. On the way home we decided to stop at "South of the Border." I knew the boys would enjoy walking around, seeing some silly things and getting ice cream! (Not to mention its a great place for photo's!! ) The highlight was definately being able to go way up in the Sunbraro!

The boys checking out the view...

Mr. Daredevil was ready to jump!

My lil binky boy!

Nathaniel being cute (:

...way, way up in the sky!

Helllooo.. up there!!! ...

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Halloween Memories

After a fun and eventful weekend... I couldn't help but sit and reminise tonight on the memories of our Halloween with Brayden. I looked through some more pictures at all the wonderful fall memories we have. Here are some from his first "trick or treating" experience!

My cute lil "Friendly" Ghost!


The Boys! Brayden, Nathaniel and Paulie (: ... Ready to get some candy!! (and not wanting to take pictures! lol)

Once we got home to relax lil mr. curious found out there was some good stuff inside that pumpkin!

We had a fun night!