Friday, February 18, 2011

A kiss from you...

It is an absolutely beautiful day here today. The sun is shinning, the gentle breeze is calming and the temp's are in the 70's!
While me and Ellie were out running errands we ended up right around the corner. With not a specific time to be anywhere I couldn't we went to visit you today...
It put a smile on my face to see your colorful flowers. I wish I did better about bringing new ones more often. They even kept the pinwheel's in this time. Today there was the perfect amount of wind to set them spinning away. How you would have squealed in delight to have seen them go. Elliana loved them too. When the wind would stop it made her sad so she would use her hand to keep them going. I tried to teach her how to blow them (o: What I wouldn't give to see the two of you together. The fun we would have while Bubby is in school. The three of you together would have been even more of a sight... the adventures we would have! I'm tired just thinking about all the energy! Oh, but the laughter and playing would be music to my ears.
Without you here our family has such a void. The lack of your presence feels like such a hole. I love to see Thanie and Ellie play together... and the moments when you see how much they love each other mean so much. Yet their age difference makes it a little difficult. They will never really be able to play together as I know you both would have. (As would have been with you and Ellie as well) The bond they share, though special, is different. Thanie is such a good big brother... looking after lil sister, as I'm sure you would too. Oh how very much we miss you! I remind her often that she has a big brother watching out from Heaven! And what an advantage and full view you have! (o:

As I sat there just dreaming and thinking of you the neatest thing happened. Out of nowhere came a butterfly, the only one is sight, and it landed right on the pinwheel we'd been playing with. And just as quickly as it landed... it was off again. Gently brushed my arm as it flew away.
It was small and so beautiful.
It was quick and so meaningful.
What I wouldn't give to have a picture of that moment! Yet now it is just as everything else... and just a memory. One I will cherish in my thoughts and in my heart.
The simplest thing... brought such a smile to my face. And all I could do is look up and say "Thank you!"
For I felt that it was a kiss from you.

Love to you to the moon...

Saturday, February 12, 2011


This weekend was one full of emotions. We had the opportunity to attend a class in Infant, Child and Adult CPR. This is something that we have thought about and considered many times but had not made the move to do it. We knew that it was going to be difficult. There was not alot of preparing to do this and I don't think any of us quite knew what to expect. The group was small... just family. Jake, myself, my mom, and two sisters had an instructor come to the house to do the training. I was glad that it would be intimate and just us. Some of us had been certified in the past and some of us had never taken a course before.
Jake had not taken one.. and I knew this was such a huge step for him to do this. Throughout the class I know his thoughts were so much on Brayden. Remember the events of that day and thinking of so many "what if's." I know that Jake feels like he didn't know what he was doing that day and questions his actions. He has since told me that he wishes I had taken over the CPR when I arrived, but I was too out of it to have even realized that. Not that I think I would have been able to do it. I was so proud of what Jake did that day. I believe that he selflessly did everything he was told to do and gave his all to help his son.
There are so many questions we will never have answers to. There are so many scenarios that can be played in our minds. Many of those came back to the surface through this course. It's so hard to hear "how sucessful CPR is" and how it is "how to save a life" ... when you know that it does not always work.
Why did it take so long for help to arrive??
Why did the firetruck arrive first? (with what appeared in that moment to be clueless unprepared idiots on it?)
Why did the ambulance take so much longer? Why did they not have the right equipment?
Why did we never leave the house? ...
What was his "state" when help first arrived? Was he completely gone before they even started?
I could go on and on...
So many thoughts, so many questions.

We have recently been contacted by the wife of one of the officers who responded that night. It was for different reasons but I finally asked if he would be willing to talk with us as well. She gave us his contact info and said that this event impacted his life more than anything has and he would love to help out and talk with us anytime.
I still have not done anything with his information. I want so badly to talk to him. To drill him with all my questions and get answers to the things I don't understand. But I know that is not realistic. I know that I need to keep an open mind that many questions I may never know the answers to.
Please pray for wisdom. Pray that God will prepare my heart and my mind... so that when the time is right we can contact him. That hearing another perspective will bring us some peace and settle some of the questions and doubts. Help me to know if this is something I should really pursue... it is something I truly desire so much.
I hate how much we as adults analyze, and question. What I wouldn't give to have the mind of a child... to just accept things as they are and to be able to move on even when it doesn't make sence or is not completely explained to our liking.
I am grateful for this opportunity. For this weekend and the skills that we learned, and refreshed. I am thankful that my family was there, to support us, and help themselves as much as to help us.
I'm thankful for the opportunity to voice my questions...

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

fading memories...

I worked on your scrapbook tonight,
as I have many nights before.
This time was different...
As I flipped through the pictures
of your life that we knew
the memories came flooding back.
Memories that had otherwise felt

Could it be that the memories are fading?
For the memories are all I have left of you.
I know it is impossible to remember each and every day
to never forget a thing
But what I wouldn't give to have that chance.
I want to remember all the details
I want to always hear all the sounds...
like your laughter as you played and tickled with daddy
and your cry for "Momma" through the night...
I want to never forget the exasperated look on your face as you flung your head back so dramatically or that sweet smile of joy as you danced.
I want to always feel the weight of your hugs as you cuddled so close
and cling on to the happiness, the gift of each day we were given.

So as I gaze through these pages
I am so thankful for so many pictures.
I marvel the many fun times we had.
I am even more motivated to complete this sometimes difficult task
and to create a treasure of the precious memories.
A treasure to remind
A treasure to bring joy
A treasure to carry a legacy...

Within, holds memories that may fade from my mind on the surface
but will last with me, in my heart .. for a lifetime.

Missing you so much tonight. Wishing I had more than just the memories...