Friday, June 3, 2011

Not Enough

Grief sucks
I feel knocked off my feet again.
The weight is heavy on my chest.
I can't see past this storm.

My head hurts
My emotions are raw
My eyes are puffy
I've had my cry.... more than one.

But tonight, its not enough.

I hate this feeling.

I've given my time
I've shared my heart
I've tried to make a difference
I've tried to make his life carry on

But tonight, its not enough.

I just want him here.

I've screwed up in so many areas
I feel so disoriented ...with life.
I wish things would stop spinning around me
And life would pause

But tonight, that wouldn't be enough.

I just want things back the way they were
It hurts.
It sucks.
Its unfair.

Yet, Its my reality.

Tonight, nothings good enough.

Tough Questions

Over the last several months we have had the opportunity to share our story with MANY people. It means so much to have my life, experiences, and dreams encourage someone else. I have been told by lots that there is power to our story. I feel as though it is all I have, I have no option but to use it, share it and hope that it will make a difference for someone else.
To save one life, would make it all worth it.
To help others to think about things differently
To make bettere choices...
That would give me purpose
That would give reason behind my pain
That would create even more value to a precious life, lost too soon
Through the organization we have had a number of invitations for Interviews
This particular interview was certainly the hardest one yet...
She was very nice, and compassionate. But when it was time for the questioning she pryed very hard. Asking questions like How he specifically got out the back door, and exactely what we felt in the moment we 'found' him. What was the first thing we did, said, etc..
It was so difficult. Felt like someone pulled the rug from under me and it caught me so off guard. I felt myself getting so emotional and I wanted desperately to keep it together.
My reason for coming, my purpose for sharing was to focus on water safety. I want to encourage other people to not make the mistakes we made, by educating on the things that can and should be done.
But why was she digging deeper into the details of this awful tradgedy? Why did she feel the need to open up such painful memories?
I was at a loss for words.
The camera was rolling and I tried hard to make it obvious to move on..
God gave me the strength to answer honestly but briefly.
I was able to keep going.
I was so glad when it was over.
But I was also thankful. I knew that time was going to come. I knew I would be faced with those questions and forced into uncomfortable situations.
And now that 'first' time is done.
And I'm stronger because of it.
...I can only hope those who heard the interview saw the heart of my message and were encouraged to do things different. To help save lives.

First Responder

For a long time now I have had lots of questions.
Truths I really don't want to be told, things I'm not sure I want to hear... but answers that yet, I feel I need.
Ever since the accident I have wanted to know why we never left the house that night. I have read, heard and met many others who went through similar accidents, and each one of them was rushed, usually airlifted, to the hospital.
Why is it that it took (what seemed to me) forever for EMS to arrive?
Why did the firetruck arrive first and not until several moments later the ambulance?
Do the first responders truly have the same training and equipment as the ambulance/ paramedic??
... Would any of this really made a difference?
An opportunity showed up at one of the most unexpected times.
It was May 22, 2011.
2nd Annual Water Safety Day
I saw a few of the members of the fire department looking at the B.O.B table and saw them talking. I didn't think much of it. We had invited them (for the 2nd year) to come participate with us and looked forward to partnering with them more in the future.
It wasn't until I heard them talking about addresses and then a friend, Jo, turned to find me and ask me my address that I looked over and saw her.
As soon as our eyes met, I knew that the one Jo had been talking to, was one of those who responded the night of the accident.
A flood of emotions raced through me as I walked over to the group.
I could see the memories come flashing back as she shared how deeply Brayden's accident had impacted her. In fact, knowing that they were coming to a "drowning prevention" event, she had shared with a co-worker about our story... never assuming that we were the same family.
That was, until she saw Brayden's picture.
I was moved and encouraged as she shared how rare it is to get to meet or see a family again after a call, especially when it was a difficult outcome.
She was so thankful to see that we had made the decision to make something positive out of our tragedy and do all that we can to educate others.
I couldn't hold it in... I had to open the box and begin to ask some of the questions that had flooded my thoughts for so long. This was not the way, the setting that I had imagined. I did not feel prepared- but yet I just had to take the opportunity put in front of me.
Though emotions took over and I stumbled over words I did hear some things I needed to hear that day.
I didn't feel that I received the 'answers' I was looking for but somehow I still felt a bit of peace.
I don't believe in coincidences... I believe this was a divine meeting. I hope that it impacted her the way it impacted me and I am thankful.