Thursday, April 30, 2009

The Hurting Happy

Emotions are a strange thing. I have learned alot, or I should say, experienced alot in the last 11 months. I have been amazed at myself and how I can possibly feel so many things at one time. When we lost Brayden, I was 3 months pregnant. Difficult doesn't even begin to describe how hard that pregnancy was. Bittersweet somewhat describes things a bit. How was I to be happy and excited about the new life growing inside me.. all the while sorting through the peices of my shattered heart from loosing a son I was to live without.
A counselor I went to gave me a great analogy. Many saw life is a rollercoaster or highway, .. your going up or down. Well the type of road I have been on has been like a train track. I am standing in the middle... one train going on way and one train going the other... trying to feel BOTH feelings at the same time. Hurting so bad.. yet trying to be so Happy.
Having Elliana has been wonderful. She certainly brings such joy to our family. I am so thankful for the gift she is. There are still hurting moments... many things remind us of Brayden and brings back so much. I find my self on many occasions holding her... with tears running down my cheeks.
We have neices, nephews and friends children who are very close to Brayden's age. It is such a joy to be around these children, and Nathaniel enjoys so much playing with all of them. I am so happy to have all of them in my life.... but it hurts.
How can I be so happy around these precious little ones.. and hurt so bad for not having my own here with them. It causes me to wonder.. what would Brayden be doing now? How would he react to that? What would he think/say/do in this situation...Discussions have this effect, events, and random experiences tend to cause this wave of double emotions.
I want Nathaniel to enjoy every aspect of this life. I want so many wonderful things for him. There have been many moments when I hesitated or wanted to not do something ... but didn't want Nathaniel to miss out. It's so hard knowing how many things Brayden will miss.. the things he will never experience. Yet life moves on... we must keep going.. somehow. I want so much for Nathaniel and Elliana.. and I know Brayden would want them to have all that they can as well. and enjoy all of it.
Sorry for all the jumbled thoughts... One day maybe I will be able to sort them out better and begin to make sence of some of it...
Please do not apologize for bringing something up. Don't worry about your child causing me to get upset. Avoiding subjects, or situations doesn't cause them to go away or not exist...Will I cry? Many times, yes. But that is OK... It is apart of my journey. my healing. It's unexplainable. It's difficult. It just is what it is... the hurting happy. and I'm beginning to accept that.


Anonymous said...

Hi! Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog and follow Noah's journey. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I have yet to read Brayden's story but I am going to read your blog as soon as I get done here. I would like for you to e-mail me. My e-mail is I will help in any way that I can and be there to support you along the way. I look forward to hearing from you. My heart aches for you.

O.M.G. said...

i haven't read all of your journey but this post is exactly what i would imagine a mom would and should feel in this situation. i don't know how people deal with grief and loss...and i'm a hospice nurse! i've tasted it (seen it, been in the room, talked to families) but never had to live it, yet. sounds like you are doing the BEST you can. your children will be so proud of you when they grow up and realize what you've been through and how well you have loved them through it all. (found your blog thru your post on Mckmama's blog)

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

What a special little boy..I was so touched by your story.
I hope you will stop by and visit me.

Jill said...

i found your blog through littleoneapril and just wanted to tell you that brayden was PRECIOUS!! you will be in my thoughts and prayers. i will come back to read his story when you feel comfortable posting.

Beth.. One Blessed Nana said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little boy. I don't know what happened, but I will be in much prayer for you as you are on a journey that you never imagined.

I am glad that you are a Christian and that you know that Brayden is waiting for you safe in the arms of Jesus.

In Him,

Maridon said...

Hi Michelle.
I saw your post on LittleOneApril blogspot, and am so sorry to hear of your precious baby's passing last June. I'll be praying for you & your family as you approach "the day" of his passing, as well as your plans to celebrate his life... I think I saw in one of your posts about bringing one of Brayden's bears to the hospital when your daughter was born? What a great charity that would be in his name!! To give bears to other children in need, perhaps!

Blessings to you & your family... look fwd to following your blog!