I've mentioned before that I am really at a point where I want... and need to start doing something. I feel that urge to begin making a difference.
Since the accident we have said it, felt it, and claimed that something GOOD was going to come from all this.
I am ready to see that come to pass. The tug at my heart is growing and more frequent.
Just knowing that my story can touch, encourage or help someone else means so much.
It is hard to know what the right thing is for me to do. What is it I am supose to do? There are several avenues I feel I could go.
My heart is truly for the support. I am a believer in Counseling, I am a believer in support groups. There is nothing like being with others who understand, who are experienceing similar hurts. I validates your feelings, it makes you feel less alone... down this hard journey.
I still desire so much to start a group for parents who have lost young children. I love my monthly support group but it just isn't quite enough. I want to be able to relate to others on a deeper level.
In the last few weeks we have been working really hard with Nathaniel. He has started opening up and talking quite a bit. I feel that he is ready to talk. He remembers everything. It has been confirmed through several people that he is a very anxious little boy. He is sad, confused, worried, and hurting. He misses his little brother.
That is so hard for me. There is nothing like seeing one of your children hurting, ...and not be able to do anything to 'fix' it.
He is back to going too weekly counseling and it seems to be helping. He has started opening up to her and is able to express himself better. He has also had a really great week in school, which we have not seen in awhile.
We know that the best thing for Nathaniel would be intense group grief therapy. I have lokked, and called, and researched, and looked... and found Nothing! In the whole state of South Carolina... there does not seem to be a single bereavement group for children.
This hurts my heart. More recently, it angers me.
What an incredible need that is not being filled! Each and every day their are children who loose close loved ones and are hurting and grieving... just as adults do.
Just like us they need to know they are not alone. They need to be free to share their feelings and have a place to talk when they need to.
Each time I meet someone or hear another story of loss, leaving children... the heart tugs begin again. I am beginning to feel more and more that this is what I need to get started right away... a group for children.
My real desire would be to have an adult group going on at the same time for parents/caregivers and to also have age appropirate groups (younger and older)
When I start thinking about all this my mind gets flooded with ideas. There are so many things we could do... so many kids we could be reaching. It is truly a passion.
The third avenue for me is advocacy. This area has always been in the back of my mind somewhere.. but is the most difficult for me to think about. I think this comes from the guilt and shame that I still feel about the accident. The thought of being able to educate and help prevent other similar accidents would be great. There is a definate need for people to better understand the dangers with children and water. There are programs and other things in place, that people just do not know about.
I would love to be able to be used in this area. I have been in touch with SafeKids of Charleston and do hope that one day we will be able to meet and discuss ways for me to become involved.
I just know it's not going to be easy.
I often sit and doubt myself. Am I ready? Am I skilled enough? Can I communicate well enough to really make a difference? Would I be able to hold together my emotions and not transfer my pain and hurts onto others but instead be able to help, encourage and educate?
Do I even want others to know my story?...
I take a deep breath. I say a little prayer. God, give me the strength to make it through. Give me the passion to touch others. Open the doors that you want me to walk through. Help me to be sensitive to the things that I can do to make a difference in others.
I am reminded of the story of Moses and Aaron in Exodus 3-4.
He felt so inadequate... yet God used him in such a mighty way. God asked Moses, "What is in your hand?" In the midst of his doubt he didn't stop to think that God has already provided what he needed.
I know that God too, has given me what I need. I pray for the confidence and strenth to walk in it. To use what I have been given... to touch the lives of others. I feel God leading me saying, All I need is you.. and an open heart. "What is in your (hands) heart? What are the things I have gifted you with? Go, Use them... Make your mark... touch others.
Use me... make good come from such a difficult and painful situation.