Peices of him...

My heart is heavy tonight... the tears are flowing...It's one of those.

Once again, I know that I am probably making things worse, or harder for myself. It's amazing how much your thoughts can eat at you!
Missing him to badly tonight.

My heart aches as I sit and cuddle with Elliana. She was walking over to me, laying her head on my shoulder to give me a cuddle hug, then hoping right back down again.
Just like Brayden always did.

I've said it before... there are so many little peices of Brayden in Elliana. Her looks, her demeanor, her dramactics!, her cuddles...
It's such a blessing.
But sometimes it hurts..
Watching her tonight cut like a knife... to my heart.

I caught myself several times just picturing him. Trying to remember all the little things he did and said. Wanting to compare and decide, was Brayden this tall? or taller? Was he this talkitive and smart? Did he smile this way? Could he figure things out so quickly like that?

May 4th.
Elliana will be 17 months old.
May 5th
Elliana will be 17 months and 1 day old. The exact age Brayden was the day he died.
May 6th
Elliana will be older than Brayden ever was... this side of heaven.

Been thinking about this alot lately. Tonight it just hit me really hard. Starring at Elliana, watching her every move. Wanting so badly to remember every little thing about Brayden... this very age.
Holding her.
Remembering how he felt.
Kissing her forhead.
Picturing his adorable face looking up at me... dropping his face for a kiss on the forehead.
Remembering his waddle over to me on the couch to simply give me a quick hug.
...so much like the ones I'm recieving from Ellie tonight.

How can she be His age? How can she get older? What do we do from here?
How a part of me wishes we could just freeze time.
What I wouldn't give to go back in time!
Thinking about whats ahead. About all the things we will experience with Elliana that we missed out on with Brayden.
Not even wanting to go on...

Man how I miss him...
How I wish it still didn't hurt so bad
Wishing my heart would stop aching...

Wishing like Hell I could just have one more...

There could never be enough.

I miss you
I love you
...... My sweet baby boy...