Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Seventeen Months and One Day...

Today Elliana is seventeen months and one day old.
Brayden was seventeen months and one day old the day that he died.
The anticipation of this day has been so difficult. The ache in my heart has been unbearable at times and many tears have been shed.

Today has come ... and almost gone.

We took of work today and made the decision to spend it together, as a family. I knew that I would not be able to leave Elliana today. I just needed to be with her, to have her near me.

Suprising to me... the hardest part of today was bedtime.
Saying goodbye to this day.
Knowing it's over.
Tomorrow, Elliana will be seventeen months and two days old.
Tomorrow, She will be older than Brayden ever got to be.
Elliana will continue to grow older, to experience new things... there will be moments we never had with Brayden, new experiences that never came.
It seems hard to know how to go on.
Part of me feels frozen. That time should just stand still.

I wanted so badly to skip her ISR lesson today. The thought of putting her in a pool, even in water, today, seemed impossible. My mind flooded with emotion filled thoughts and I felt my self becoming anxious ... over nothing.
I soon realized that of all things to do, this was one of the greatest things I can do for Ellie. Teaching her these life saving self rescue techniques is going to impact her for life. This day would never have come.. would not be so difficult, had I known about these lessons before.
So we went... I made it through.
With support of awesome friends and family who stood beside me I was able to celebrate with Ellie's accomplishments in the water. She is learning and trying and doing so well. I am so proud of her.
Moving forward. Positive steps. Facing fears. TRUSTING.

So as I went to tuck in my sweet little girl tonight, I found myself not wanting to let go. I held her close, rocked her gently, and prayed over her.
I thanked God for her, as I do daily. I asked God to bless her with many many more days. I asked for the strength to allow her to grow.
Protection, Safety, Health, Comfort, and Peace.
I asked for renewed Joy.

I feel as though another chapter is over. A new part of the journey now begins. Yet, I'm not sure where to go from here...

Lord, let me never take even one moment for granted. Give me the courage and the strength to trust you. Allow me to love Elliana and care for her for years and years to come. Bless me with the knowledge and discernment to make the decisions I need to make to help her grow and mature.
Make me the Mother to her and Nathaniel that you want me to be. Help me to love them as you do. Thank you for these precious gifts.
Remind me not to lean on my own understanding.. but in all my ways look to you.

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