Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Compassionate Friends

Went to my monthly Compassionate Friends meeting. Walked in late... as always. It's always so hard to get there ontime... no matter what. We had a big goup, several new people. Breaks my heart to look around that circle and see hurting faces of mommy's and daddy's who are in this same boat.. missing our precious children who should be here with us.
I am also so thankful for this group. Friendships have begun that I know I will treasure forever. Hugs and encouragement coming from those who understand so well...
I was glad I went... felt like my first night all over again. Didn't know what to say.. the tears just came. Life has not slowed down but somehow things have gotten a little less crazy. The numbness is fading, the shock wearing off... the adreline rush I was living off is now gone. life just is. and my precious baby boy.. is not. and that sucks. I feel like I am at the beginning all over again. Not knowing what to say, or do.. wanting to know how this pain could get much worse. Crying more tears... Unable to sleep till wee hours of the morning. Trying desperately to push aside all the difficult thoughts that flood my mind.
It's nice to hear I'm not alone. Comforting to know someone else has been here. I guess I'm not as crazy as I feel... these things I'm feeling and thinking have been thought and felt before, I guess that means I'm ok.
So, where to go from here? .. I know I need to get back into counseling. I have tried, made lots of phone calls... and only hitting brick walls. I can't take the kids.. and need childcare, which is so difficult. All the people I talk with have such limited schedules, I can't find anything that will work. SO Frustrating...
But for now, I lean on the strength that I have. I will make it. I am thankful and blessed for the friends and family around me... and for my compassionate friends.

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