The Hurting Happy

Emotions are a strange thing. I have learned alot, or I should say, experienced alot in the last 11 months. I have been amazed at myself and how I can possibly feel so many things at one time. When we lost Brayden, I was 3 months pregnant. Difficult doesn't even begin to describe how hard that pregnancy was. Bittersweet somewhat describes things a bit. How was I to be happy and excited about the new life growing inside me.. all the while sorting through the peices of my shattered heart from loosing a son I was to live without.
A counselor I went to gave me a great analogy. Many saw life is a rollercoaster or highway, .. your going up or down. Well the type of road I have been on has been like a train track. I am standing in the middle... one train going on way and one train going the other... trying to feel BOTH feelings at the same time. Hurting so bad.. yet trying to be so Happy.
Having Elliana has been wonderful. She certainly brings such joy to our family. I am so thankful for the gift she is. There are still hurting moments... many things remind us of Brayden and brings back so much. I find my self on many occasions holding her... with tears running down my cheeks.
We have neices, nephews and friends children who are very close to Brayden's age. It is such a joy to be around these children, and Nathaniel enjoys so much playing with all of them. I am so happy to have all of them in my life.... but it hurts.
How can I be so happy around these precious little ones.. and hurt so bad for not having my own here with them. It causes me to wonder.. what would Brayden be doing now? How would he react to that? What would he think/say/do in this situation...Discussions have this effect, events, and random experiences tend to cause this wave of double emotions.
I want Nathaniel to enjoy every aspect of this life. I want so many wonderful things for him. There have been many moments when I hesitated or wanted to not do something ... but didn't want Nathaniel to miss out. It's so hard knowing how many things Brayden will miss.. the things he will never experience. Yet life moves on... we must keep going.. somehow. I want so much for Nathaniel and Elliana.. and I know Brayden would want them to have all that they can as well. and enjoy all of it.
Sorry for all the jumbled thoughts... One day maybe I will be able to sort them out better and begin to make sence of some of it...
Please do not apologize for bringing something up. Don't worry about your child causing me to get upset. Avoiding subjects, or situations doesn't cause them to go away or not exist...Will I cry? Many times, yes. But that is OK... It is apart of my journey. my healing. It's unexplainable. It's difficult. It just is what it is... the hurting happy. and I'm beginning to accept that.

So much to say... so little time

I don't know where the days go... the hours, the minutes.. I wish I had more time. I supose I could use a lesson or two in time management as well seeing as we all are given the same 24 hours in a day and I tend to loose way to many of them...
I have decided to try and use these blog's more.. writing has become more healing for me than I assumed it would be.. when I decided to tell others about this blog I wasn't sure how I felt about others reading my thoughts.. my emotions,. my heartaches. There have been many times I have written, yet saved it elsewhere not wanting to post it for public eyes. I feel people worrying about me or thinking that I am terribly depressed and needing help or whatever.
My feelings have since changed. This is My blog.. my place to write, to remember, to vent or whatever I need to do. Please know that I am using this for that intended purpose and many things said here may be raw, honest, and difficult. What I ask of you? To pray. This is a hard journey God has taken us down and many moments are hard. There are thoughts, and feelings, and MANY emotions involved. Getting them out is a step through the healing. Here is where I hope to take some of those steps. Baby Steps.
As more of you are seeing this blog for the first time I know that people have asked questions. Many of you are wondering about the story of our family. I am working on putting together Brayden's Story and will post it when completed. It has proven to be a very difficult thing for me to do.
I hope to find more time to write.. there are many things I want to post about and will try to get to them in the next few days.
So.. as I ramble on.. please know that I appriciate you stopping by, caring about our family and especially your prayers. Moment by moment... a step at a time... we are making it through.

A special day...

This weekend we had Elliana dedicated at church... it was emotional, and brought back precious memories of the day we gave Brayden back to the Lord.

I am reminded again that Brayden belonged to God. I was given the privilage to love him, carry him, pray for him, and raise him... for an incredible 17 months and one day...
I am so thankful for every moment God allowed me to have.

On May 20, 2007 we dedicated Brayden's life to God.

I am so thankful that we made this step and stood before God, our church, our family and friends... to dedicate and give back this precious child...

I may never understand the purspose of God's plans... I can be angry, upset, hurt, confused..sad... I could have never even begun to fathem that we would ever physically hand Brayden back to Jesus as we has symbolically dedicated his life to God. But the truth remains... I need to remember this simple thing. He belonged to God. Though I miss him every minute of every day...I am comforted in knowing that Brayden is back in the arms of His heavenly Father...

Thank you Jesus for allowing me to be Brayden's mommy.. Thank you for each and every moment we were given... Help me to not take anything for granted. Give me your peace, strength and wisdom to be the best mommy I can be for Nathaniel and Elliana. Help me never forget that these are Your children... and our desire is that Your will be done in their lives... Thank you for loving them more than we ever could.

Memento's....

For a long time now I have wanted to put together a shelf.. not a shrine, but just a special place for small memento's that I have of Brayden. It is still a work in progress ... but I have finally begun to put it together.



This is definately my Favorite picture!! The funeral home we used gave us a box of thank you cards and service programs that had this picture displayed on the front. It serves to be a constant reminder and comfort to me... The roses there are a few from the funeral...
My baby boy is truly... in The arms of Jesus....

One of the greatest gifts I was given after Jesus took Brayden home, were some of his First Curls. Brayden was almost bald, and has just finally started getting more hair his last few months... there were even a few curls the rested softly on his neck. Though he never recieved a haircut we were able to recieve a few of his curls. (Thank you Noah!) This meant so much to me and is something I will treasure forever...
I wanted a very special place to keep them so I had this box made to store them in... which is now sitting on my new shelf.

What a special gift.

Just thought I would share....

Easter...

I made you an Easter basket...
There were no dying of eggs. No easter egg hunt.
There was family, and good food... but things weren't the same...
This Holiday will always hold special memories in my heart..
The last Holiday we spent with you... The only Holiday you were "walking" for...
Your first egg hunt, .. the first basket you enjoyed, the goofy easter"grass" you hated... the egg's you were so excited to find and put in your bag... Memories I will never let go...
This year was hard. This year seemed ... missing...

Elliana's first Easter. She's too young to know. ... But she will. There were baskets - Couldn't bear to make the other 2 without a third...

But instead of having you there to tear it apart like your brother, dumping things across the room and digging for as much consumable chocolate possible at 8 am

we traveled here....

We brought you your basket...

Nathaniel "tested" out your ball... even brought you a sticker,

and drove your cars into their places (parked conviently beside the stone & vases. ) Daddy found you a new pinwheel.. the wind was just right and it spun round and round.
Wish you were here... how we miss you and love you, so very much.

...But He loves you more.

How amazing it must be to celebrate with the ONE who is the reason we celebrate. Thank you Jesus for the price you paid. Thank you Father for the gift you gave. Thank you for giving life... so that we may have eternity. Thank you for giving it all... so that I will hold my Brayden again... Jesus is Risen... He is Risen, indeed.

Brayden's Name Gallery

Thank You for all the pictures! The gallery is growing! Just added several new pictures... Hope you Enjoy! I will add to this as I get more... would you like to send a photo to add to Brayden's Gallery? email to becauseofbrayden@gmail.com! Thanks!( Click Here to read how this came about...)

ChristChurch Cathederal in New Zealand

Phillips Island Victoria, Australia

Name made with Seaweed!

Majic Kingdom, Walt Disney World!

while power washing the driveway....

"I Love you, Brayden"

The adorable Hoffman crew thought of Brayden while playing playdoh.. pictured with 4 loving hands that helped make this beautiful creation...

Cherry Blossom Festival, Washington DC