Bittersweet

Couldn't sleep last night.... So hard to explain all the emotions I have experienced and feel on a daily basis these past few months...

I just got back froom finalizing the headstone for Brayden. We recieved some images yesterday and last night Jake and I tried to decide and choose just what we wanted for it. So frustrating, it was not an easy task... emotions rise and its easy to get irritable, especially with one another. Why does this suck so bad!?? Something so important, why can't we just get it done easily ....

The deeper truth and questions are why on earth am I designing my sons headstone! This is so unfair.. I hate every part of this....It truly sucks...

At the same time I feel almost a sense of relief.. after almost 6 months I am so glad that things are falling into place for this special monument. I know that it will just bring a sence of completness to his resting place.... some additional closure, .. in a way...It took so long to even start the process, we then were drug on for over a month without hearing anything... I REALLY wanted things to be done and in place before Elliana arrives, ... I just feel that I need to have that time, that moment to go and sit once it is in place before I will be physically not as able and will have an infant to care for at the same time. After such a disappointment and things not moving forward like I thought they should I thought those dreams were shattered. I didn't even think we would have anything for the Holidays which was frustrating.

So I decided to move on....I truly believe that God led me to this new place... the girl that is helping is so nice, they have been wonderful and want to do everything they can to help us. I found out that if we approve the design and get things ordered this week they will make it for us NEXT WEEK!!! I can't even believe it! Not only are we finally moving forward to get this completed but It may be in place before the baby is here. WOW...

A few more changes are being made but I do think we have decided on a special stone to honor our son... can't wait to see the final thing. I would say I'm excited, but thats not it... relieved? not even sure what is it.... feelings are just so bittersweet.....

Least it is one more thing in place... one more thing off the list and off my shoulders that has to be done...I will share pictures once we have it!