Sunday, December 21, 2008

Life Update...and a ramble of thoughts

Well, ... its been awhile. We made it through thanksgiving. It was hard... who wants to be in the mood to be thankful for anything after the last 6 months?? Decided that I really wanted to go by the memory gardens before heading to dinner. We all went together, brought some lil pumkins and gords that I wanted to bring closer to Halloween. Brayden was my lil punkin... and always will be.

... I miss you so much baby boy.... love you with all my heart!

So ... to the exciting news in our life. We welcomed Elliana Grace on Dec. 4th!!! I am a mommy of a daughter!! Can't even believe it. I was so glad to have my Brayden bears, we took one to the hospital with us and I loved having it there. We also took pictures of Brayden that were set up in the room and it felt so good to have them there.

Your officially a big brother now Mr. Brayden! I'm so glad that I have the pictures from May wearing the pictures of Brayden wearing the onsie I made announcing that he was going to be a big brother!

I have done pretty good over the last 2 weeks... emotions come and go. mixed with all the tiredness and pain from everything. The hardest thing when Ellie was born was when Nathaniel got to the hospital. Seeing him react and get to see his baby sister was so exciting but so extremely hard at the same time. I just cried... it felt so wrong... just the fact that something... someone was missing. I would give anything to have seen how Brayden would react to his lil sister. How would he handle things, would he be good with her? I know he would love her.... Elliana will surely know all about her big brother and will share in all the memories we have.

There have also been nights we just sit and cry... the reality just holding Ellie is hard, brings back such things and memories of holding Brayden. How excited we are to have her, yet how much it hurts and how much we miss Brayden... so hard to put the feelings into words.

The other night Elliana was up... alot! Sleepless nights are hard to get used to again, that broken sleep! .. anyhow, I found myself getting so overwhelmed, frustrated and upset... I finally took her into the nursery and rocked her in our chair. It was so strange... took me back to all the nights with Brayden... I loved the feeling again yet it hurt, and the tears came so much missing my baby boy. All the nights if frustration with Brayden, how I would give anything for just one more chance to hold him again and rock him... Puts things into such perspective. I want to enjoy every second with Ellie. As tired, frustrated and upset as I feel I pray that I can remember those thoughts .. slow myself down and treasure the time I have with her. To comfort her, rock her, calm her down and love her... What a privilage it is to be a mommy...

Well... what a ramble of thoughts this has turned out to be. I am so blessed to have my lil Elliana Grace... but nothing will ever fill the void in my heart for my Brayden.. how I miss you with every fiber in my being... my family will never be the same and I will love and miss each day you are not apart of us.

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