It's that time of the year... the hustle and bustle has begun. People are busy, shopping, and getting ready for Christmas! It's a time for giving, a time for families, a time for memories.
We woke up this morning at my in- laws house. We try to do Christmas with each side of the family every other year, alternating with Thanksgiving. So this was the year to be in Maryland. Because Elliana aws born so close to Christmas the year we would have come up here last, this is actually the first year we have been here on Christmas day since 2007. It didn't even dawn on me until we were here. Sitting on the couch, seeing the live tree full of colorful glass balls and tinsil. The memories starting flowing back. It hit with a flow of emotions. In the pit of my stomach the realization caused a churning and an ache. December 2007, the one and only Christmas we were granted to share with our precious Brayden... was here, with Gramma and Papa. I could see the memories like visions or flashbacks. I so treasure these wonderful moments we have captured through beautiful pictures. Yet the longing came back like an unexpected title wave.
What a joy it is to see Elliana smile in delight as she and Nathaniel help Gramma finish decorating the tree. How fun it is to sit around the table with everyone. The excitment filled the air as Papa, Daddy and Uncle Brendon play with the kids.
Yet the void is so ever present.
What I wouldn't give to have him here with us today. How I would give anything to be able to make these memories and share these memories with him. How exciting it would be to have all three of them together. Candy, chocolate, and cookies galore and treats for breakfast. It's definately Christmas.
But it's just not the same.
The kids were so excited to run downstairs this morning to check on whether or not Santa came! Paper was ripping, trash was flying and the room was full of excitment. Ooh's and ah's could be heard around the room as all the new presents were being discovered.
I am so thankful for these moments, so blessed to create these memories, so love the joy all around...
Just missing him today... in a big way, and wishing he was here with us.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Candlelight
Through this journey of loss and grief I have come to a very different perspective and appreciation for candlelight.
So often used to symbolize light admist darkness, hope in a seemingly unbearable situation the light from a candle is bright, and radiates an amazing beauty.
We were blessed with the opportunity to share a special eveing and Christmas dinner with my Compassionate Friends group. It is a tradition that has been for several years. Dinner at Gilligans restaurant, an ornament exhange.. and then a candle lighting.
It's such an experience, such a feeling in the air as the room transforms from eating, chatting, and laughter... to quiet, remberance. Each family represented goes to the front of the room, lights a candle in honor of their child, and shares about them. At the end a few moments of silence are shared as we watch all the candles burning.
It sad yet selfishly comforting to see all the lives represented that were lost too soon. It's a reminder that we are truly not alone on this journey of bereaved parents.
In a beautiful way, the light of the candle shines brightly, reminding us that though Brayden is not here with us phyiscally now... his light still carries on in our hearts.
We will cherish the memories, we will relive the moments through photos, and the love will ring through us all who have been touched by his life.
It is a joy to speak his name, it is humbling to be admist and apart of such a group, and to honor the life of our precious gift, Brayden... burning bright through candlelight.
So often used to symbolize light admist darkness, hope in a seemingly unbearable situation the light from a candle is bright, and radiates an amazing beauty.
We were blessed with the opportunity to share a special eveing and Christmas dinner with my Compassionate Friends group. It is a tradition that has been for several years. Dinner at Gilligans restaurant, an ornament exhange.. and then a candle lighting.
It's such an experience, such a feeling in the air as the room transforms from eating, chatting, and laughter... to quiet, remberance. Each family represented goes to the front of the room, lights a candle in honor of their child, and shares about them. At the end a few moments of silence are shared as we watch all the candles burning.
It sad yet selfishly comforting to see all the lives represented that were lost too soon. It's a reminder that we are truly not alone on this journey of bereaved parents.
In a beautiful way, the light of the candle shines brightly, reminding us that though Brayden is not here with us phyiscally now... his light still carries on in our hearts.
We will cherish the memories, we will relive the moments through photos, and the love will ring through us all who have been touched by his life.
It is a joy to speak his name, it is humbling to be admist and apart of such a group, and to honor the life of our precious gift, Brayden... burning bright through candlelight.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Without Him...
We got our family pictures taken today. It's the first time since just after E was born... 2 years ago! Its such a bittersweet feeling when I think about pictures. Pictures are a huge part of my life... if you know me, you know that. Everywhere we go, every new event, milestone, etc. requires a picture! I am so excited to capture new memories... to "freeze" these moments with a photo.
As the same breath it is still so difficult to have "family" pictures taken knowing that ours is incomplete. I feel as though our pictures, as well as our lives will always have a void. I still stop and ask myself, "how can we take a picture together without him?" This came up this week as well as our family gathered for Thanksgiving. As we always do when were together, we piled all the grandkids together for a picture. Again, it felt so wrong... so incomplete. The only comfort I could feel that day was that my neice Zoey, was also missing from the picture as she is far away and couldn't come.
How I wish it could be different. What I wouldn't give to see these photo's 'complete'. Such a sight it would be to watch Brayden interact with all his cousins and siblings.
I had every intention to bring one of Brayden's Bears with us today and/or a pinwheel to use in the pictures as we have done before... but I forgot. We were already in the car, on the way, late. So I passed on going back.
Jake and I both wore Awareness ribbon pins as well as our BecauseofBRAYDEN bracelets. We also have our tattoo's that represent in a close way. As Jake said he's with us, all around us.
I allowed this to comfort me today as we went on with the shoot. I am so glad we will have these memories to save for years to come. Though it was so hard to be there ... without him.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Chosing to be Thankful
Today, on Thanksgiving I am filled with such a mix of emotions... It is a day of celebration, a day of family, ... a day of Thanks.
I saw this sign and was both encouraged and challenged.
As we teach our children about this day, and encourage them to think of all the many blessings we have, all the many things we should be thankful for...
And its true. There is Always something to be thankful for. We are so blessed.
Yet the feelings of sadness still come over me. I find it hard as I wake up to be filled with gratitude. There are parts of me that want nothing to do with celebrating with family... when mine is still incomplete. Without him, it feels hard to be family. These kind of get togethers and affairs just don't feel the same... I don't think they ever will again.
Yet, it is a choice I must make. I want Nathaniel and Elliana to realize all the things that we should be thankful for. They need to see in me the gratitude for so much.
We are loved, we are cared for, we are together.
And today, I am reminded that I am blessed.
I will keep my head up, I will enjoy the time I am given.
I will choose to be thankful.
I saw this sign and was both encouraged and challenged.
As we teach our children about this day, and encourage them to think of all the many blessings we have, all the many things we should be thankful for...
And its true. There is Always something to be thankful for. We are so blessed.
Yet the feelings of sadness still come over me. I find it hard as I wake up to be filled with gratitude. There are parts of me that want nothing to do with celebrating with family... when mine is still incomplete. Without him, it feels hard to be family. These kind of get togethers and affairs just don't feel the same... I don't think they ever will again.
Yet, it is a choice I must make. I want Nathaniel and Elliana to realize all the things that we should be thankful for. They need to see in me the gratitude for so much.
We are loved, we are cared for, we are together.
And today, I am reminded that I am blessed.
I will keep my head up, I will enjoy the time I am given.
I will choose to be thankful.
Still stabs like a knife...
Another day, another wave..
It creeps up out of nowhere.
Just when you least expect it... when things seem to be going "fine".
They say this is to be expected. Grief will always be coming and going like this. It's hard to know what will be the "trigger" at any given moment.
It happened in church... near the end of the service. Response time begins, and the couple in front of us slips out... to return moments later with their children. As the worship team began to sing, I could feel the welt begin in my throat.. Mom, Dad, and a friend or family member took turns holding the little blonde boy... pacifier in his mouth. Swaying back and forth, singing and smiling with the little one... clapping his hands.
Though a smile crept across my face, the knot worked its way down to my stomach.
Why does this have to bother me so much!? It's a beautiful sight to see this family praising and worshiping with their little ones.
The little boy, who appeared to be just about 17 months old--or close to it, was then handed to his father. Who proceeded to pick him up to his chest, then onto his shoulders. Holding his hands to sway and praise.. dancing to the music.
The waves of memories began. The weight of loss grew heavy like a rock. The flashbacks overtook me. As I could no longer hold the tears or bear the pain I ran out of the sanctuary.
I needed to let the tears flow in private. I hated how much this upset me. It hurts so badly and still seems so unfair.
That should be my Brayden. He should be perched up on his daddy's shoulders, on daddy's chest.. dancing away in worship. Oh, how he would light up, how he made all of us smile to see him. Those behind us expected it, the enjoyed him and would talk about his special time of worship.
Jake should be that daddy holding his son, being swayed back and forth from the weight of his boy dancing.
How desperately I miss those moments. What I wouldn't give to experience it again.
More than two years... 70 some odd services later...
It still stabs right to the heart like a knife.
I can only take a deep breath, and think about what the scene in heaven must look like. The endless worship, right at our saviour's feet. The sounds of angels, the singing, the dancing. Brayden must be the hit... in the center of it all... loving every moment.
So though it's hurts so deeply now, I will choose to look up, to look ahead... to keep taking steps forward to the future ahead.
Knowing a day, very soon.. we will be worshiping with him again.
It creeps up out of nowhere.
Just when you least expect it... when things seem to be going "fine".
They say this is to be expected. Grief will always be coming and going like this. It's hard to know what will be the "trigger" at any given moment.
It happened in church... near the end of the service. Response time begins, and the couple in front of us slips out... to return moments later with their children. As the worship team began to sing, I could feel the welt begin in my throat.. Mom, Dad, and a friend or family member took turns holding the little blonde boy... pacifier in his mouth. Swaying back and forth, singing and smiling with the little one... clapping his hands.
Though a smile crept across my face, the knot worked its way down to my stomach.
Why does this have to bother me so much!? It's a beautiful sight to see this family praising and worshiping with their little ones.
The little boy, who appeared to be just about 17 months old--or close to it, was then handed to his father. Who proceeded to pick him up to his chest, then onto his shoulders. Holding his hands to sway and praise.. dancing to the music.
The waves of memories began. The weight of loss grew heavy like a rock. The flashbacks overtook me. As I could no longer hold the tears or bear the pain I ran out of the sanctuary.
I needed to let the tears flow in private. I hated how much this upset me. It hurts so badly and still seems so unfair.
That should be my Brayden. He should be perched up on his daddy's shoulders, on daddy's chest.. dancing away in worship. Oh, how he would light up, how he made all of us smile to see him. Those behind us expected it, the enjoyed him and would talk about his special time of worship.
Jake should be that daddy holding his son, being swayed back and forth from the weight of his boy dancing.
How desperately I miss those moments. What I wouldn't give to experience it again.
More than two years... 70 some odd services later...
It still stabs right to the heart like a knife.
I can only take a deep breath, and think about what the scene in heaven must look like. The endless worship, right at our saviour's feet. The sounds of angels, the singing, the dancing. Brayden must be the hit... in the center of it all... loving every moment.
So though it's hurts so deeply now, I will choose to look up, to look ahead... to keep taking steps forward to the future ahead.
Knowing a day, very soon.. we will be worshiping with him again.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Missing 3
Today I helped out a friend of mine by watching her son while she took her younger one to the doctor. This particular litte boy is 3 years old. He was born just shy of 3 months after Brayden.
Though its hard and painful sometimes, I love to sit and watch him. How he interacts, what he is learning, how he talks...
Is this what my Brayden would be like?
As I see the kids sitting on the couch together it looks like a picture I should see everyday. Three children sitting together.. 6, 1, and 3.
As I see Nathaniel play with him I imagine how my boys would play. I have to giggle at how they get along as brothers would. The love hate relationship feels so natural and thanie gets annoyed with how he doesn't do things the right way, or follows him to much, etc.
These things I miss.
These things I should be experiencing.
These things I wish I could see... and live.
Today.. I am missing three.
Missing the feeling of having three living children.
Missing what it is like to have a three year old.
Missing my baby boy... who has left such a void in our family
... and an emptiness in my heart.
Though its hard and painful sometimes, I love to sit and watch him. How he interacts, what he is learning, how he talks...
Is this what my Brayden would be like?
As I see the kids sitting on the couch together it looks like a picture I should see everyday. Three children sitting together.. 6, 1, and 3.
As I see Nathaniel play with him I imagine how my boys would play. I have to giggle at how they get along as brothers would. The love hate relationship feels so natural and thanie gets annoyed with how he doesn't do things the right way, or follows him to much, etc.
These things I miss.
These things I should be experiencing.
These things I wish I could see... and live.
Today.. I am missing three.
Missing the feeling of having three living children.
Missing what it is like to have a three year old.
Missing my baby boy... who has left such a void in our family
... and an emptiness in my heart.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Accepting Reality
It has been 3 plus weeks since I went. Tonight I felt a compelling desire to go. It is the weekly bereavement support group, Grief Share. I go for the fellowship, I go for the friendships, I go for the sharing... and I always bring something away with me. Though I have been through each of the 13 lessons, some more than once, I still gain something new or am challenged, encouraged, or suprised by somet'hing new I hear.
So, after weeks of absence, I walk in late tonight and sit right now to jump into this weeks video (which had already begun). Within moments I knew. Of all weeks, of all lessons... WHY did I have to return and be here for This one!?!?
Week #7: Snowstorms of Guilt
I've said it before... I suffer to this day with a huge amount of guilt. I completely blame myself for the accident with Brayden, and know that if I had not done some things I did it would have, could have not happened.
This is an area of my grief that I have locked up with a chain and shoved away. It is painful, it is ugly, its hard. It's avoided.
I feel that I have allowed myself to "move on" in many other ways. New opportunities have begun and we are making strides ahead. Positive steps. I can honestly say now that there are many more happy "OK" days then sad difficult days.
...Until it comes to this one area. And tonight, it hit me smack in the face. Again.
As the movie progressed I could feel my insides churning. I didn't want to believe anything they were saying. They didn't understand MY situation.
I was right and there is no changing my mind.
After the movie we has some discussion.. as we always do. The others began to comment that my body language during the movie showed that there were some things going on. Almost immediately I had tears in my eyes. I felt speechless as the lump filled my throat.
As I began to share my thoughts and feelings on this issue (between the tears) I felt another painful layer being removed. It's amazing how healing it is just to say things out loud.
The others began to affirm my feelings, and validate what I had said and that made me feel good. When it comes to this area I want to be right, I need to be right. That's just the way it is.
Then a dear friend of mine in the group said something that changed everything. She looked at me and said that maybe I just needed to accept what had happened. She continued by agreeing with the things I had said and told me that it's true.. there are things we could have should have done that would have changed the situation.
BUT in order to move on past this area what I needed to consider was reminding myself that yes, though I am GUILTY... I am FORGIVEN.
though I made Mistakes.... I am still loved.
It was exactly what I needed to hear.
I couldn't believe that somone was agreeing with me. Someone was telling me that I can take the blame... yet I can still move on, accept it, and be ok with it.
The feeling that brought me is undescribable.
Accepting the Reality does not mean that I must hate myself forever... or think that others do.
Accepting Reality gives me permission to be ok with what happened, take it for what it is... and begin to move on.
Those steps are happening now. Something positive is coming from this painful and ugly situation. I may not be able to change what happened that dark day, but I can accept it. I will choose to become a better person and touch others lives because of my reality.
So, after weeks of absence, I walk in late tonight and sit right now to jump into this weeks video (which had already begun). Within moments I knew. Of all weeks, of all lessons... WHY did I have to return and be here for This one!?!?
Week #7: Snowstorms of Guilt
I've said it before... I suffer to this day with a huge amount of guilt. I completely blame myself for the accident with Brayden, and know that if I had not done some things I did it would have, could have not happened.
This is an area of my grief that I have locked up with a chain and shoved away. It is painful, it is ugly, its hard. It's avoided.
I feel that I have allowed myself to "move on" in many other ways. New opportunities have begun and we are making strides ahead. Positive steps. I can honestly say now that there are many more happy "OK" days then sad difficult days.
...Until it comes to this one area. And tonight, it hit me smack in the face. Again.
As the movie progressed I could feel my insides churning. I didn't want to believe anything they were saying. They didn't understand MY situation.
I was right and there is no changing my mind.
After the movie we has some discussion.. as we always do. The others began to comment that my body language during the movie showed that there were some things going on. Almost immediately I had tears in my eyes. I felt speechless as the lump filled my throat.
As I began to share my thoughts and feelings on this issue (between the tears) I felt another painful layer being removed. It's amazing how healing it is just to say things out loud.
The others began to affirm my feelings, and validate what I had said and that made me feel good. When it comes to this area I want to be right, I need to be right. That's just the way it is.
Then a dear friend of mine in the group said something that changed everything. She looked at me and said that maybe I just needed to accept what had happened. She continued by agreeing with the things I had said and told me that it's true.. there are things we could have should have done that would have changed the situation.
BUT in order to move on past this area what I needed to consider was reminding myself that yes, though I am GUILTY... I am FORGIVEN.
though I made Mistakes.... I am still loved.
It was exactly what I needed to hear.
I couldn't believe that somone was agreeing with me. Someone was telling me that I can take the blame... yet I can still move on, accept it, and be ok with it.
The feeling that brought me is undescribable.
Accepting the Reality does not mean that I must hate myself forever... or think that others do.
Accepting Reality gives me permission to be ok with what happened, take it for what it is... and begin to move on.
Those steps are happening now. Something positive is coming from this painful and ugly situation. I may not be able to change what happened that dark day, but I can accept it. I will choose to become a better person and touch others lives because of my reality.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)