Thursday, November 25, 2010

Still stabs like a knife...

Another day, another wave..
It creeps up out of nowhere.
Just when you least expect it... when things seem to be going "fine".

They say this is to be expected. Grief will always be coming and going like this. It's hard to know what will be the "trigger" at any given moment.

It happened in church... near the end of the service. Response time begins, and the couple in front of us slips out... to return moments later with their children. As the worship team began to sing, I could feel the welt begin in my throat.. Mom, Dad, and a friend or family member took turns holding the little blonde boy... pacifier in his mouth. Swaying back and forth, singing and smiling with the little one... clapping his hands.
Though a smile crept across my face, the knot worked its way down to my stomach.
Why does this have to bother me so much!? It's a beautiful sight to see this family praising and worshiping with their little ones.
The little boy, who appeared to be just about 17 months old--or close to it, was then handed to his father. Who proceeded to pick him up to his chest, then onto his shoulders. Holding his hands to sway and praise.. dancing to the music.

The waves of memories began. The weight of loss grew heavy like a rock. The flashbacks overtook me. As I could no longer hold the tears or bear the pain I ran out of the sanctuary.
I needed to let the tears flow in private. I hated how much this upset me. It hurts so badly and still seems so unfair.
That should be my Brayden. He should be perched up on his daddy's shoulders, on daddy's chest.. dancing away in worship. Oh, how he would light up, how he made all of us smile to see him. Those behind us expected it, the enjoyed him and would talk about his special time of worship.
Jake should be that daddy holding his son, being swayed back and forth from the weight of his boy dancing.
How desperately I miss those moments. What I wouldn't give to experience it again.
More than two years... 70 some odd services later...
It still stabs right to the heart like a knife.

I can only take a deep breath, and think about what the scene in heaven must look like. The endless worship, right at our saviour's feet. The sounds of angels, the singing, the dancing. Brayden must be the hit... in the center of it all... loving every moment.
So though it's hurts so deeply now, I will choose to look up, to look ahead... to keep taking steps forward to the future ahead.
Knowing a day, very soon.. we will be worshiping with him again.


Jessica said...

I just came across your page as I was trying to google personalized "Brayden" things. I also have a son named Brayden. Your little Brayden sounds just as amazing as mine. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I cannot even imagine the pain you go through everyday. All little boys are wonderful, especially our precious Braydens :)

Mommyof3gifts said...

Thank you so much for your kind words. I have been terrible lately about updating this blog but truly miss it and hope to do better. Though it used to be so difficult to hear other "Brayden's" names, it now brings such a smile to my face. I am sure your Brayden is definitely special and precious as mine... and very blessed to have such a wonderful name! (o: