Unreachable milestones

I have been having a really rough time this year.  I've stated it before... but it keeps hitting me repeatedly.  Brayden would be 5 this year.  F I V E.  Wow.  Such a number, such an age, such a milestone.  No longer toddler, not quite grown... but a Boy. 
The age of 5 stands for so many things.  Most of all ... School.  This fall Brayden should be starting Kindergarten. 
I should be buying school supplies, I should be dreading and counting down the days, I should be in that kindergarten denial.  The tears have come more often than I expected.  It hurts deeper than I expected it would. 
I have several friends who have children preparing to start school next month.  The excitement, anticipation, and nerves all run high.  How I wish more than anything I was preparing for those moments. 

It's. Just. Not. Fair. 
Yet another milestone that will never be reached.  One more thing that will never happen.  One more reality of life without him. 

I miss him. 
I miss the way things are supposed to be. 

Elliana is growing like a weed as well.  This year we started dance classes.  How I love to watch my sweet little ballerina.  She also decided to do soccer with Avery. 
This was hard. 
How would Brayden be with sports?  He would be old enough for tball as well?  Would he want to play?  Would he jump right in and excel or be uninterested and uncoordinated? 
Such a perspective to see the world.  Such a way to watch my daughter grow up. 
Watching all the things that "should have been" 

I want to treasure each moment of her life.  I do cherish all the memories of each day. 
But the thoughts just creep in and it's so hard to let them go. 
I desire for the joy, excitement and pride of a Mom to shine through. 
How I wish I could watch her without the thoughts of Brayden. 

How I wish I didn't feel surrounded by and reminded daily of all the unreachable milestones.