Well... I have been seeing a psychiatrist for several months now and finally feel like we are getting some where. It's amazing the things that can come up when you dig, question, and just allow them to. A few weeks ago I had a major breakthrough in my healing/ greiving process.
It goes back to a time about 3 years ago, not too long after Brayden's accident, while sitting at a compassionate friends meeting. One of the other moms (who had lost a daughter to a fire) shared that she was doing so much better, that with the help of her counselor she felt she was moving forward and facing life so much more postivily. The reason she stated was that she had moved her daughter from HERE (placing her hand smack in front of her face!) to here (placing her hand lowered and to the side of her face.) Humm.. I remember thinking, that sounds ok, sounds interesting... but I really didn't "get" it.
So all these years later, having life taken us through all it has and knowing where I ended up this summer, that thought came back to me. Though I feel so stressed, overwhelmed, unable to handle kids/life/ etc.. I was being told that these things were part of my 'compicated grief' That it was somewhat all related to the loss of Brayden. I was feeling consumed, overwhelmed, closed in on... by life... but was it really? Or was it more that I was allowing myself to be consumed with Brayden, his death, the guilt that surrounds it, the what, how, who, etc.. of how to carry on and help my family as I need to, etc..
Like a light bulb going off I realized that I too had my Hand smack in front of my face. That I was holding Brayden, his death, and all those other things front and center in my life and it was affecting my ability to deal with all the other things I need to do.
While talking to my Dr. she went on to continue this analogy by showing me the struggle my children, my husband, my committments, etc. were all being affected by this "wall of sorts' I had place in front of me. (While placing her Hand in front of her face) Do you see, here is Ellie trying to talk to her mommy, Here is Nathaniel trying to get Mommy's attention, can you see them? hear them or attend to them like you need (this way) ?
Was Brayden that much more important than any of them?
Was my selfish feelings, guilt, saddness, need to remember more important than them?
Wow. It made so much sence now.
Wow. How, Why had I done this and lived this way for so long?
She continued on to not only move her hand down lower to the side of her face but directly in her periferal view. She shared how He needs to be right where everything else is. Still in view, still there, still just as important... but sharing the light with Jake, Ellie, Nathaniel, Me, Life, Others. She illustrated it like a fan, moving all around the front of me. All in a row.. all in sight, all together yet in their own spot. All accessible.
I had moved Brayden from his spot and given him rule over everything. Which made me no good at many things. He was taking over, and taking me away from so many things that needed me.
It was time for him to return to his place.
To just be 'one of them'.
Apart of my life, yes.
But not front and center.
Just Back in Line with the others where he should be.