Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Bereaved Parents Wish List


I wish my child hadn’t died. I wish I had him back.
I wish you wouldn’t be afraid to speak my child’s name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you as well.
If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. My child’s death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
I wish you wouldn’t "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.
Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. I need you more than ever.
I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be said and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.
I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child’s death pains you, too.
I wish you would let me know things through a phone call, a card or a note, or a real big hug.
I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.
I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.
I wish you wouldn’t expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time so don’t frustrate yourself.
I don’t want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I’m feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.
When I say, "I’m doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don’t feel okay and that I struggle daily.
I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I’m having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I’m quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent. I wish you could understand that I’m doing good to handle him at an hour (moment) at a time.
I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.
I wish very much that you could understand – understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. But I pray daily that you will never understand.
~Taken from The Compassionate Friends

4 comments:

Karl Snepp, Dave's Dad said...

Thanks for creating this blog that honors Brayden's life by helping to provide solace and hope to other bereaved parents and their families.

The Compassionate Friends (TCF) has a similar mission and invites the (free)online support of your readers:

TCF asks for your votes in Round Two of Chase Community Giving. With your help, TCF could receive a grant of $100,000 to $1 million to help in its outreach to bereaved parents and their families. Voting is free of charge and continues through Friday, January 22, on Facebook.

To vote, go to http://www.compassionatefriends.org and click on the Chase Community Giving logo on the first page, then just follow the directions.

Please also ask your relatives, friends, neighbors, and business acquaintances to vote for The Compassionate Friends. Email questions to wayne@compassionatefriends.org.

Melina said...

I want you to know that I think of Brayden often. Daily in fact, b/c even now, after many months since I first found your blog through the April Rose blog, I visit it daily. So a woman in TN sees your son and sends prayers for you every day to help in your healing. (((hugs)))

drmedhus said...

I find your blog both insightful and comforting. My son recently committed suicide and has communicated with us in many ways. This inspired me to write a blog as well: Channeling Erik: Conversations with my Son in the Afterlife. (www.drmedhus.com/channelingerik) It is my hope that, with the help of a talented medium, a book can come of this. The goal would be to, with Erik's help, elucidate and demystify the death process, the nature of the afterlife, the survival of consciousness after death, reincarnation, how thought creates reality, and the quantum physics behind all of it, among other spiritual matters. I hope to help those who are bereaved, those who fear death, and those who are curious to understand the bigger picture. Healing others seems to be important to my own healing process. Please keep up the good work. Your wisdom is sorely needed I a word that years for spirituality and a deeper understanding. xoxo Elisa

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