Monday, October 12, 2009

Just thoughts...

I haven't posted here in awhile. I'm just not sure what to type. Life is here... it's moving forward, somehow. But it's still hard. I feel like I'm stuck in slow quicksand... I can see the other side and know I want to get out. I feel like I'm making steps in the right direction, but somehow I just end up deeper in crud or backwards. I just don't know how to catch up or get back on track with things. How could I have left things be for so long... to get so bad. I know I did what I needed to do by staying home, but it's hard to realize how much that hurt us financially. How can I get rid of this overwhelming feeling so that I can begin to clear my head and focus on the important things? I just can't make sense of anything... I want to make things right, but instead nothing is getting done.

I finally cleaned out some of my old purses and wallets. Found Brayden's health insurance card. I couldn't throw it away. It made me feel sad.. but made me happy all at once. It was that reminder, that assurance that yes, he was here... he did exist. It's hard to imagine that life will go on and soon those mere moments in life that were spent with my Brayden will feel smaller and smaller. Were getting closer to the time when he will be gone longer than he was here with us. Thats a hard fact to swallow.
I miss him. I miss life with him. I miss knowing what things would be like. I miss not being able to see Ellie and him interact. I miss the things that will never be.
I want to focus on the memories. I need to cherish the moments more.
Life is too short.

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