This weekend was one full of emotions. We had the opportunity to attend a class in Infant, Child and Adult CPR. This is something that we have thought about and considered many times but had not made the move to do it. We knew that it was going to be difficult. There was not alot of preparing to do this and I don't think any of us quite knew what to expect. The group was small... just family. Jake, myself, my mom, and two sisters had an instructor come to the house to do the training. I was glad that it would be intimate and just us. Some of us had been certified in the past and some of us had never taken a course before.
Jake had not taken one.. and I knew this was such a huge step for him to do this. Throughout the class I know his thoughts were so much on Brayden. Remember the events of that day and thinking of so many "what if's." I know that Jake feels like he didn't know what he was doing that day and questions his actions. He has since told me that he wishes I had taken over the CPR when I arrived, but I was too out of it to have even realized that. Not that I think I would have been able to do it. I was so proud of what Jake did that day. I believe that he selflessly did everything he was told to do and gave his all to help his son.
There are so many questions we will never have answers to. There are so many scenarios that can be played in our minds. Many of those came back to the surface through this course. It's so hard to hear "how sucessful CPR is" and how it is "how to save a life" ... when you know that it does not always work.
Why did it take so long for help to arrive??
Why did the firetruck arrive first? (with what appeared in that moment to be clueless unprepared idiots on it?)
Why did the ambulance take so much longer? Why did they not have the right equipment?
Why did we never leave the house? ...
What was his "state" when help first arrived? Was he completely gone before they even started?
I could go on and on...
So many thoughts, so many questions.
We have recently been contacted by the wife of one of the officers who responded that night. It was for different reasons but I finally asked if he would be willing to talk with us as well. She gave us his contact info and said that this event impacted his life more than anything has and he would love to help out and talk with us anytime.
I still have not done anything with his information. I want so badly to talk to him. To drill him with all my questions and get answers to the things I don't understand. But I know that is not realistic. I know that I need to keep an open mind that many questions I may never know the answers to.
Please pray for wisdom. Pray that God will prepare my heart and my mind... so that when the time is right we can contact him. That hearing another perspective will bring us some peace and settle some of the questions and doubts. Help me to know if this is something I should really pursue... it is something I truly desire so much.
I hate how much we as adults analyze, and question. What I wouldn't give to have the mind of a child... to just accept things as they are and to be able to move on even when it doesn't make sence or is not completely explained to our liking.
I am grateful for this opportunity. For this weekend and the skills that we learned, and refreshed. I am thankful that my family was there, to support us, and help themselves as much as to help us.
I'm thankful for the opportunity to voice my questions...