Friday, March 6, 2009

9 months....

So today marks nine months since I lost my little baby boy.. 9 months...since my world shattered.. NINE months since I lost a peice of my heart. How can that be!? How is life moving on? How can things BE without him...
I miss you more today than ever before my Brady boo..
I thought things would get easier and it seems they just harder... The first 2-3 months were pure shock and numbness.. then the next 4 months were caios... Holidays, Ellie's birth, Brayden's b-day.... they were months I didn't think I would survive... didn't think I'd see february! Now here is it March and I look back thinking that those were the easy months. I think I was so consumed with everything that it somehow made things bearable. It's now, in the day to day moments that it hurts more than I could imagine. I miss him in all the small things... The quietness of life, the mundain daily tasks, the ongoing of life all seem to leave to much to open thought... I feel like I had so much going on I was riding on this adrienaline high... and now I've just been dropped off.
So, what do I do now??... How do I not do something, anything? Not sure what to do, what to think... I just want to cry... all the time.
My almost 3 year old newphew has been here in SC with my parents, and I've helped care for him while my mom worked... It's almost sereal... strange to see Nathaniel playing with a little boy... Putting not 2 but 3 kids in my van... settling them down, avoiding fights and returning stolen toys to the rightful owner... letting them run and play together outside...
Is this what life would be like? This IS what my life SHOULD be ....moments like this that will never be...I didnt imagine it would be this hard to see them together. To realize how much is missing... It hurts.
I love my nephew so much and am so glad to have him around. I hate that I have these feelings...
His smile, silly giggle, big cuddly hugs, and the fun they are having together.. all moments I treasure. All moments and memories I am so glad I have... so glad we can all share.

Just today my sister in law came to visit with my neices.. once again I was faced with this difficult situation. My neice is almost 15 months. From the moment she hopped out of the car and waddled up the driveway.. it hit me.
The babble, having her run across the room into my arms as I scoop her up in the air.... How I love it so much! Yet at the same time it causes such heart wrenching pain.
How badly I miss those things with my Brayden... Amazing how quickly I'm taken back to those moments... I have to double look as if I'm almost seeing him instead of her... What I would give... It seems so unfair....

I push back the tears, I suck up the pain... and I smile. I am so blessed to have family. To love and be apart of these precious lives... I hug them, hold them close... kiss their little heads and thank God for them. Then pray a prayer of protection over them and to bless their lives... What special little people they are.

It's in these quiet moments I cry... I feel the pain, I acknowledge the feelings... I don't have my Brayden anymore... My baby is not here and I am missing out on so many things.. my arms are empty and aching for his hugs, cuddles... I miss HIS forhead to kiss... IT SUCKS.. IT'S NOT FAIR... WHY!?? .... why him.... why me.... why us... How long will I feel this pain....

9 months.... of missing, of hurting, of needing, of crying, .....but yet life (somehow) moves on...

I love you baby boy.. I miss you more than words can say...

2 comments:

serena said...

It's SO hard I know....sending you loads of love, serena xx

Tricia said...

Wow! There are no words that could be said to you to make the pain go away. Only our God Almighty will heal your brokenness. You wonder how Lord? When Lord? Michelle, He is bit by bit, piece by piece. I think you will never all the way get over it, but you will learn to live life without constant pain. Memories, smells, double takes etc. will get you for moments, but you will grieve and have to move on. Michelle, I love you and Jake so much and please know we pray for you all the time and we hold you, Jake, and the kids dear to our heart.

If you have the book Grace Disguised, would you read it?