Went downtown Charleston to Colonial Lake for a special memorial candlelighting ceremony Sunday night. It was put on by the Hospice of Charleston. This is a special time for familes to come and gather around the lake for scripture readings, songs, poems, etc ... to remember all the loved ones no longer with us. Luminaries surrounded the lake and at the beginning of the service we each lit the luminaries of our loved ones. We had 3 luminaries lit honoring my dad, Leonard Russell Ainsworth, Brayden Russell Zieg, and The Moylan's mom, Catherine Susan Moylan. My parents and Lauren joined Jake, Nathaniel and I for the event. It was a hard but special evening. To see alll the luminaries lit around the lake was very moving... so many hundreds of names of loved ones missed so much. I brought one of Brayden's bears and a picture... I hste that we have a reason to go to something like that... but am glad we chose to be a part of it.

Bittersweet

Couldn't sleep last night.... So hard to explain all the emotions I have experienced and feel on a daily basis these past few months...

I just got back froom finalizing the headstone for Brayden. We recieved some images yesterday and last night Jake and I tried to decide and choose just what we wanted for it. So frustrating, it was not an easy task... emotions rise and its easy to get irritable, especially with one another. Why does this suck so bad!?? Something so important, why can't we just get it done easily ....

The deeper truth and questions are why on earth am I designing my sons headstone! This is so unfair.. I hate every part of this....It truly sucks...

At the same time I feel almost a sense of relief.. after almost 6 months I am so glad that things are falling into place for this special monument. I know that it will just bring a sence of completness to his resting place.... some additional closure, .. in a way...It took so long to even start the process, we then were drug on for over a month without hearing anything... I REALLY wanted things to be done and in place before Elliana arrives, ... I just feel that I need to have that time, that moment to go and sit once it is in place before I will be physically not as able and will have an infant to care for at the same time. After such a disappointment and things not moving forward like I thought they should I thought those dreams were shattered. I didn't even think we would have anything for the Holidays which was frustrating.

So I decided to move on....I truly believe that God led me to this new place... the girl that is helping is so nice, they have been wonderful and want to do everything they can to help us. I found out that if we approve the design and get things ordered this week they will make it for us NEXT WEEK!!! I can't even believe it! Not only are we finally moving forward to get this completed but It may be in place before the baby is here. WOW...

A few more changes are being made but I do think we have decided on a special stone to honor our son... can't wait to see the final thing. I would say I'm excited, but thats not it... relieved? not even sure what is it.... feelings are just so bittersweet.....

Least it is one more thing in place... one more thing off the list and off my shoulders that has to be done...I will share pictures once we have it!

My Brayden Bears!

Just something else I wanted to share... I recieved my Brayden Bears!! I Love them sooo much!! These very special bears were made for us by a dear friend Janet (http://www.joesmemorybears.com)/ that I met online in a support group/site. They are each made from clothing that belonged to Brayden. Each one carrying such memories and bringing joy in this tough time. I can't express how it feels to snuggle up and cuddle with something soft, squishy and tangible.. As I look at them I miss my Brayden so much but smile and the opportunity to have such a gift.

If I only had more time....

I hate that I haven't kept this up... It is something I really want to do and just can't seem to get to... along with a list of MANY other things!! I do hope one day to be able to take the time to write out our story... and to share about the life of my precious Brayden.

Till then, I will do my best to at least post some updates..

I wanted to share a picture .. it was done by a couple in Australia that write the names of children who have passed away in the sand and take pictures at sunset. Thought is was so beautiful and something I will treasure..

Enjoy!