Sunday, November 20, 2011

Thankful to be Confronted

Over the last year I have really found the importance of being thankful for the blessings we have. It is so easy to get overwhelmed with life, the negative, the pain, and forget about all the good things. I have made it a goal to find something each day to be thankful for. Though I have not done as well as I hoped I would it has challenged my thoughts and has made me look at each day a little differently.

One of the things I am so thankful for is Dr. West.
For 3 years we struggled with finding a Dr., counselor, social worker, etc. to help Nathaniel. With my background I know the importance of getting help and talking about things with other trusted people. Due to scheduling, personality clashes, finaces, etc.. we have seem to hit one brick wall after another. As Nathaniel gets older I worry about his anxiety, his grieving, his memories... I want for him to process what he had to experience at such a young age the right way and begin the process of healing so that it makes him a better, stronger, more loving and appreciative person.
Several months, well almost a year ago, we were told about a local child psychologist Dr. West. He is in high demand and hard to get in with but is excellent with kids. Though we waited a while for an appointment it was worth it ten times over! Nathaniel has hit it off so well with Dr. West. has opened up and shared things, and has made lots of progress through his appointments. Dr. West has so much experience, is so wise in his years, but can cut it up with Nathaniel just the same. He is funny, smart, caring, and intuitive.

Well back a few months, Dr. West asked me to schedule a seperate appointment without Nathaniel so that we could just talk more openly. We always take a few minutes at the beginning or end of appointments but Nathaniel is there (along with Ellie and even Avery at times!)So this particular appointment was set aside for just us.

I believe it was late June. I was stressed, having trouble coping with life, struggling at home with Nathaniel, etc..
Dr. West sat me down in his office and immediately stated that he was worried about Me. He told me that he wanted to share some observations but to correct him if he was seeing things wrong. He went on to say that he saw me as overwhemed, up to my eyeballs and greatly struggling. He said He imagined I was not handeling life in general very well... especially at home.
Before he was even finished talking the tears began to flow. Here is this man, who hardly know me at all... sees me for a few moments every other week... but can see right through me!
Though I knew how bad things were I denied that fact that I was "depressed". I don't sit around crying for hours, thinking about Brayden like I used to. I 'know better' that to be depressed. With my background, education, etc.. that can't be me. But as we talked on Dr. West looked me in the eye and told me, those hours mindlessly behind the computer, sitting in one spot on the couch, avoiding many of lives responsibilities, etc... "That's called depression". I cried, alot. It was so hard to hear this.. about myself. But knew it was so true. Things had gotten out of hand. I was hurting, and needed to do something about it. He encouraged me to call someone right away. To talk to a psychiatrist about my medication, which was obviously not doing it's job.
"Nathaniel is really doing ok," he said, "but he's not going to continue to get better if you don't take care of yourself. " To know that me and my problems were not only hurting myself but my family as well was a hard pill to swallow.

Wow. I left feeling overwhelemed, suprised, hurt, this was not what I expected.
But I felt a sence of hope, encouragement and motivation to for the first time in along time, take care of me. I was actually glad that he had been so honest and straight forward with me.
I was caught off guard.
I was put in my place.
I was forced to look inward.
And I have never been so thankful to be confronted.

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