Today I helped out a friend of mine by watching her son while she took her younger one to the doctor. This particular litte boy is 3 years old. He was born just shy of 3 months after Brayden.
Though its hard and painful sometimes, I love to sit and watch him. How he interacts, what he is learning, how he talks...
Is this what my Brayden would be like?
As I see the kids sitting on the couch together it looks like a picture I should see everyday. Three children sitting together.. 6, 1, and 3.
As I see Nathaniel play with him I imagine how my boys would play. I have to giggle at how they get along as brothers would. The love hate relationship feels so natural and thanie gets annoyed with how he doesn't do things the right way, or follows him to much, etc.
These things I miss.
These things I should be experiencing.
These things I wish I could see... and live.
Today.. I am missing three.
Missing the feeling of having three living children.
Missing what it is like to have a three year old.
Missing my baby boy... who has left such a void in our family
... and an emptiness in my heart.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Accepting Reality
It has been 3 plus weeks since I went. Tonight I felt a compelling desire to go. It is the weekly bereavement support group, Grief Share. I go for the fellowship, I go for the friendships, I go for the sharing... and I always bring something away with me. Though I have been through each of the 13 lessons, some more than once, I still gain something new or am challenged, encouraged, or suprised by somet'hing new I hear.
So, after weeks of absence, I walk in late tonight and sit right now to jump into this weeks video (which had already begun). Within moments I knew. Of all weeks, of all lessons... WHY did I have to return and be here for This one!?!?
Week #7: Snowstorms of Guilt
I've said it before... I suffer to this day with a huge amount of guilt. I completely blame myself for the accident with Brayden, and know that if I had not done some things I did it would have, could have not happened.
This is an area of my grief that I have locked up with a chain and shoved away. It is painful, it is ugly, its hard. It's avoided.
I feel that I have allowed myself to "move on" in many other ways. New opportunities have begun and we are making strides ahead. Positive steps. I can honestly say now that there are many more happy "OK" days then sad difficult days.
...Until it comes to this one area. And tonight, it hit me smack in the face. Again.
As the movie progressed I could feel my insides churning. I didn't want to believe anything they were saying. They didn't understand MY situation.
I was right and there is no changing my mind.
After the movie we has some discussion.. as we always do. The others began to comment that my body language during the movie showed that there were some things going on. Almost immediately I had tears in my eyes. I felt speechless as the lump filled my throat.
As I began to share my thoughts and feelings on this issue (between the tears) I felt another painful layer being removed. It's amazing how healing it is just to say things out loud.
The others began to affirm my feelings, and validate what I had said and that made me feel good. When it comes to this area I want to be right, I need to be right. That's just the way it is.
Then a dear friend of mine in the group said something that changed everything. She looked at me and said that maybe I just needed to accept what had happened. She continued by agreeing with the things I had said and told me that it's true.. there are things we could have should have done that would have changed the situation.
BUT in order to move on past this area what I needed to consider was reminding myself that yes, though I am GUILTY... I am FORGIVEN.
though I made Mistakes.... I am still loved.
It was exactly what I needed to hear.
I couldn't believe that somone was agreeing with me. Someone was telling me that I can take the blame... yet I can still move on, accept it, and be ok with it.
The feeling that brought me is undescribable.
Accepting the Reality does not mean that I must hate myself forever... or think that others do.
Accepting Reality gives me permission to be ok with what happened, take it for what it is... and begin to move on.
Those steps are happening now. Something positive is coming from this painful and ugly situation. I may not be able to change what happened that dark day, but I can accept it. I will choose to become a better person and touch others lives because of my reality.
So, after weeks of absence, I walk in late tonight and sit right now to jump into this weeks video (which had already begun). Within moments I knew. Of all weeks, of all lessons... WHY did I have to return and be here for This one!?!?
Week #7: Snowstorms of Guilt
I've said it before... I suffer to this day with a huge amount of guilt. I completely blame myself for the accident with Brayden, and know that if I had not done some things I did it would have, could have not happened.
This is an area of my grief that I have locked up with a chain and shoved away. It is painful, it is ugly, its hard. It's avoided.
I feel that I have allowed myself to "move on" in many other ways. New opportunities have begun and we are making strides ahead. Positive steps. I can honestly say now that there are many more happy "OK" days then sad difficult days.
...Until it comes to this one area. And tonight, it hit me smack in the face. Again.
As the movie progressed I could feel my insides churning. I didn't want to believe anything they were saying. They didn't understand MY situation.
I was right and there is no changing my mind.
After the movie we has some discussion.. as we always do. The others began to comment that my body language during the movie showed that there were some things going on. Almost immediately I had tears in my eyes. I felt speechless as the lump filled my throat.
As I began to share my thoughts and feelings on this issue (between the tears) I felt another painful layer being removed. It's amazing how healing it is just to say things out loud.
The others began to affirm my feelings, and validate what I had said and that made me feel good. When it comes to this area I want to be right, I need to be right. That's just the way it is.
Then a dear friend of mine in the group said something that changed everything. She looked at me and said that maybe I just needed to accept what had happened. She continued by agreeing with the things I had said and told me that it's true.. there are things we could have should have done that would have changed the situation.
BUT in order to move on past this area what I needed to consider was reminding myself that yes, though I am GUILTY... I am FORGIVEN.
though I made Mistakes.... I am still loved.
It was exactly what I needed to hear.
I couldn't believe that somone was agreeing with me. Someone was telling me that I can take the blame... yet I can still move on, accept it, and be ok with it.
The feeling that brought me is undescribable.
Accepting the Reality does not mean that I must hate myself forever... or think that others do.
Accepting Reality gives me permission to be ok with what happened, take it for what it is... and begin to move on.
Those steps are happening now. Something positive is coming from this painful and ugly situation. I may not be able to change what happened that dark day, but I can accept it. I will choose to become a better person and touch others lives because of my reality.
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