Saturday, August 8, 2009


The calendar keeps us organized. It tells us what day it is. We use calenders to remind us of important dates. It tells us of the future.

In the last week or so I have been thinking alot about dates. I have been looking at the calender in a new way. The calender now reminds me how long its been since I've held my baby boy. It reminds me of the things ahead that he will not be apart of. It feels like a constant countdown of things to come. I find myself thinking about specific dates all the time.

I've been told it's the anticipation of things to come that are harder than actual events. This has proven to be somewhat mostly true. I wish I knew why I drove myself crazy about dates, about time, about the when's and how longs and the future. Here are some of the things dates that have been on my mind alot lately...

It has been 14 months since I held my baby boy... 14 months since I kissed his forehead. 14 months since I rocked him to sleep... It's hard to fathem that life has continued on that long.

3 months from today, on November 7th, Brayden will have been gone as long as we knew him. That is a strange thing to think about. Life feels so incomplete without him, how could we have only had the joy of loving him here for such a short time. Life has Flown by... moments passed too quickly.. it all still feels so sereal.. even after this long.

In 138 days we will celebrate another Christmas, without a busy little toddler running around. and 141 days till our sweet boy would have been 3 years old! wow...

On May 5th, 2010, Elliana will be the same age as Brayden was when he went to be with Jesus. I am terrified about next summer... the unknown of how that will be is so very hard to comprehend let alone try to express.

I wish I could know the date... and count the days till I see my Brayden again... Until then I hold onto the Hope that that day will be here soon... and that I will cuddle my baby boy again.
I love you baby boy... Missing you so much...

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