Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Forgiving Myself

This post is Honest.
This post is transparent.
This post is Hard...
This post is real.

There are some things Heavy on my heart.. things I've been dealing Not dealing with since Brayden's accident.

One word says it all; Guilt. In my heart, I take FULL responsibility for Brayden's accident. I know that if I were here, Brayden would also still be here today.
So often people say, "It was just an accident" and as Christians, we are 'encouraged' that It' must have been his time'. 'it was God's plan...' It is so hard for me to accept that, I don't think I ever will.

I left Jake, knowing how sick and out of it he was. (and knowing how crazy and all over the place the boys had been that day)
When frustrated with the childproof handle cover, I riped it off, and didn't put t back on.
I didn't speak up about the ladder being left in the pool.. even after discussing the importance of it so many times before.

I could loose myself easily in the land of "if only..."

People have asked me about anger. Am I angry with God? Am I angry with Jake? Do I blame them?
The answer has always been NO. I am not sure why, except that I put it all on myself.
I truly do not blame Jake, or Nathaniel, ... or even God.
I do have LOTS of questions, and may never know the Why's.

Someone said to me, ... If you don't feel that they deserve to be blammed, them why do you deserve it?
That spoke so much to me.
Why do I deserve all the blame? I hadn't quite thought of it quite that way before. There are so many built up feelings and emotions that I just don't know what to do with them. Instead of just putting them all on myself... why not take the time to uncover them, to deal with them, and heal them.
That takes time. That is painful. That is embarrasing. That is hard.
But I need to remind myself that I am not alone.
That it is not by My strength...

Another women, who I met while attending a weekly Christian based support group, that I am so thankful I have found!, gave me a few verses of encouragement.

Isaiah 55:8-9 (New International Version)

8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

I was also encouraged when reminded that Gods forgivness and mercies are new every morning.
He Loves me. much so that he sent His son. God knows the pain of loosing a child, of seeing his son, suffer and die.

If He loves me that much..
Why can't I love myself... and allow myself to let go of the selfishness and the guilt and pain.

I want to choose every day to remember these things. To stand on the fact that God's ways are greater than my ways. To take heart in the knowledge that He does love me, and forgives me each day.

Brayden was given to me as a precious gift...
He was mine to borrow... for just a little while.
He touched my life, my heart in such a huge way... and I know others too.

I just never imagined I'd have to give him back... this side of Heaven.
I will never have all the answers...

But I can learn to Forgive myself,
to Love myself... as He does.

God give me the strength...


Karol said...

Just wanted to say that I understand. I struggle with blaming myself also. There were several of us at home at the time of my Laynee's accident yet I blame none of the others, only myself. I too try desperately to cling to the knowledge that it wasn't an accident for God. For some reason I will not understand until I get to heaven, He wanted her with him.
Praying for peace for you

Mark's Mommy said...

I also want to say that I understand. My son drown on a family camping trip to the lake. I blame myself as well. It is normal for a mother to take full responsibility since we feel it our sole duty to protect our children from harm.

I agree with was no accident to God. But, even knowing that in my heart...I still struggle with my thoughts every day. "Was it really a preventable accident caused by our human imperfectness?" or "Was God's hand in it all the time?". I admit that I despair and blame myself and others most often. Desperately I want to know that God had it all ordained. I pray that it is true.

Thank you for your have a friend in me...whenever you need it and whatever you need.