Monday, February 15, 2010

Acceptance... and Letting Go


Such a Huge word. Such a Huge undertaking.

Having a hard time swallowing that thought lately.

I know what has happened, I believe what has happened (most days); but when does the time come when I can allow myself to accept it?

Brayden is not here anymore. There's no room to clean up, little one to comfort, dress or settle down. A mouth is missing to feed, and only 2 car seats sit in my van. Brayden is gone. He's not coming back. So why do I have such a hard time with the accepting part. It's sounds so much easier than it is.
I've come to realize myself that, Accepting the loss of Brayden means admitting that this was (is) part of God's plan.
And I'm not ready to believe that.

How could the God of love, God of peace and comfort, want this for me? How could this painful, tragic, impossible feeling situation be apart of His plan?

I know that God has been speaking to my heart so much lately about what's next. I believe that the prompting I feel to make more good come from this situation is from Him. I want more than anything to know what the end of this story is. I desire to see others blessed and lives changed through our story. It's so hard not having clear answers. Not knowing what that next step is.

Pastor spoke at church this weekend on this same topic. It spoke straight to my soul. I do believe the promises that, "He who began a good work.. will bring it to completion."
I know that there must be a reason that we are still here... and he is not.

Not being able to see what's ahead has caused me to doubt. I've found myself frustrated and stressed and being overcome with the things around me.

I haven't Let Go.
I felt so clearly the other night that God said to me that I had not truly given it all over to Him.
The pain, the hurt, the anger, the confusion, the emptiness, the questions....
I'm still holding on.

But how do I let go?! Why is so hard to just lay it all down? Why do I try to continually carry these burdens?

Again, I feel my self again admit that truth... If I let it go and give it all to Him, I'm letting myself believe that it will be OK. That He is in control, and that yes, God knew and continues to know the deepest part of all of this. Laying it all down to Him relinquishes all control I feel that I still have. As if I have any.

Accepting that this was God's plan or that He knew what we would endure requires me to let go of guilt. Guilt I cling onto so tightly. Guilt that I put fully on myself for letting this happen.
Guilt that I carry as a cloud over my head, and a wall in my heart.

Yet I know that ...
Releasing it brings peace. Letting it go speaks peace. Handing it over to Him, lightens the load.
I know that He is calling me to do these things. I believe in my heart that He desires for me to be comforted, to be carried, and to be freed from the weight of these burdens.

I never imagined being able to so clearly feel both extremes. To know both truths and struggle so much within myself. It's so difficult to explain, to deal with, or even to feel.

It's just takes me, willing to let go.
To accept that He is in control.
To believe deep in my soul that this is His plan, and He knows best.

And I want that so badly... Lord, give me the strength...

He's handing it out to me... I just need to reach out and accept.

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