The wound that doesn't heal

My heart hurts tonight.  All I did was open the calendar to look at next month and compare schedules/ events.  It's going to be a busy one.  As I filled in some missing info it was suddenly glaring at me in the eye.  June 6th.   The day my world shattered.  The day my dreams were crushed.  The day my heart was broken in two.  How can it be next week already?  Crazy how a date can stab like a knife.  After several years it doesn't feel any better, any different, any easier. How can one day bring such pain such hurt, such emotions?  Another year without you.  Another year of missing you.  Another reminder that your gone.

The last month has been such a roller coaster of emotions.  New opportunities, new successes, hard work paying off.  Exciting events, amazing support, and families and children more aware.  Lives hopefully being saved.  Yet the underlying reason is always the same.  My motivation, my inspiration, my drive... is the one I will never hold again.  In the deep dark moments I can still feel so angry.  I still hurt so badly.  It is still so unfair.

A broken heart is a wound that never heals.  It gets better but never goes away.  The simplest triggers and rip it right open again in the blink of an eye.  It blows in unexpectedly like the wind and knocks you off your feet like a wave.  It crashes hard against the soul.
My wound is open again.  A simple glance of a calender threw off my whole night and my heart hurts.  What I wouldn't give... I miss him more than ever.

A slice of 'normal'

What I wouldn't give for just one slice of normal.  

To see what it looks and feels like... for maybe just a day.  

A life without Trauma, grief and pain.  

Children without mental health issues.  

A family unit that's complete.  

Instead, it's just another morning.  

Just another anger outburst

Just another shut down. 

...for reasons unexplained.  

Yet another accident.  

More clothes and floors to clean.  

Another phone call needed

Another email sent.  

I wish I could do more. 

I wish I could understand

I'd do anything to fix it

I'd do anything to go back

What were our worries back then?

What stress did life bring then?

I can't even imagine it again

But now life keeps on rolling

I'm faced with what I see

All I'd like is a taste of 'normal'

and a day that's issue free. 

Changes for 2013

There are changes on the horizon.  This new year is about new changes, positive changes, in so many needed areas of my life.  I can't keep on like I have been.  My family deserves more, my children deserve better, my friends deserve more.. and I deserve more.

2012 was a really. difficult. year. 
This year MUST be better. 

I am determined. 

One of the things I am changing is this blog.  One of the good things that came out of last year was the realization of many things about myself, my thought process, and ways to help myself. 

Some of the best advise I recieved was that Brayden can no longer be center.  I won't forget him.  I won't stop thinking about him.  I won't let others forget either.  But I can push him out of the forefront of who I am, and stop letting other parts of life pass me by.  And put him in line with everyone and everything else as it should be.  I blogged more about this HERE
So.. I have decided to change this blog.  Instead of being completely focused on Brayden, I want to focus it on my journey of life.  The ups, the downs, the celerbrations and the tears.  Some that may involve Brayden and others that share of the life before me, the life of my 2 other beautiful, growing, and amazing children.  

Writing really is therapeudic for me and I hate that I don't have, er. a... take the time to write more.
Life gets so busy and it's hard to remember the little things... or even the big things.  I want this blog to be a place where I do just that. 

Always Remember

One of the hardest things about a new year

another birthday

the passing of more time...

is the fear of forgetting.

I feel as though so many things are already hard to remember

What did he smell like?

What did his laugh sound like?

What did he feel like?

I wish I could run my fingers through his little curls

kiss his forehead

cuddle him for hours. 


Today I try to remember

wishing I could buy a cake

plan a party and have presents to rip open

but instead Im just missing him. 

And making sure that everyone around me... always remembers.

Unreachable milestones

I have been having a really rough time this year.  I've stated it before... but it keeps hitting me repeatedly.  Brayden would be 5 this year.  F I V E.  Wow.  Such a number, such an age, such a milestone.  No longer toddler, not quite grown... but a Boy. 
The age of 5 stands for so many things.  Most of all ... School.  This fall Brayden should be starting Kindergarten. 
I should be buying school supplies, I should be dreading and counting down the days, I should be in that kindergarten denial.  The tears have come more often than I expected.  It hurts deeper than I expected it would. 
I have several friends who have children preparing to start school next month.  The excitement, anticipation, and nerves all run high.  How I wish more than anything I was preparing for those moments. 

It's. Just. Not. Fair. 
Yet another milestone that will never be reached.  One more thing that will never happen.  One more reality of life without him. 

I miss him. 
I miss the way things are supposed to be. 

Elliana is growing like a weed as well.  This year we started dance classes.  How I love to watch my sweet little ballerina.  She also decided to do soccer with Avery. 
This was hard. 
How would Brayden be with sports?  He would be old enough for tball as well?  Would he want to play?  Would he jump right in and excel or be uninterested and uncoordinated? 
Such a perspective to see the world.  Such a way to watch my daughter grow up. 
Watching all the things that "should have been" 

I want to treasure each moment of her life.  I do cherish all the memories of each day. 
But the thoughts just creep in and it's so hard to let them go. 
I desire for the joy, excitement and pride of a Mom to shine through. 
How I wish I could watch her without the thoughts of Brayden. 

How I wish I didn't feel surrounded by and reminded daily of all the unreachable milestones.

Remember

Well the day has come... and just about gone.  It's hard to believe.  I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that it has been FOUR years since my precious baby boy has been gone. 
I miss him so freaking much. 
I wish it still didn't hurt so bad. 

Jake took off work as he always does on this day.  The kids even slept in for us which was an amazing bonus!  We hung around lazy for a bit then decided to get up and out the door to make something of this day.. together.  There was nothing special planned.  No hoop-la, no party, no gathering. 
Just us.
First stop was the cemetary.  We took balloons, a little polkadot stuffed dog, a few new pinwheels and of course had to do pictures.  I felt so guilty realizing how long its been since I brought flowers.  I need to put some together to take out there soon. 

It had gotten to late in the day for our original plans so we quickly decided on heading down to Folly beach to walk out on the pier.  It was incredibly windy but felt nice.  After a night/morning of pouring rain and reduced temperatures, I was encouraged to see the weather clear up and sun come out enough for us to enjoy being outside. 

During a recent visit with a counselor I discussed my fears of forgetting.  I worry so much about how the details seem to disapear over time.  I dread the day that I can't remember the little things about my sweet boy. 
So she challenged my to start making an (ongoing) list.  This is going to be a list of things I remember about Brayden, that I want to be sure to remember or just things that come to mind. 
I do miss my Wednesday's Walk down Memory Lane posts and want to strive to start them again... but for now I will just work on creating this list. 
I will remember him. 

That silly obsession with the bellybutton!
Mr. Drama King and the flinging back of his head as he sighed in frustration over things...
The way he hated the grass on his bare knees and would crawl on his hands and toes.
HIs infectious smile.
The way he LOVED Praise time at church.
The way he cuddled.  The moments he crawled up in my lap in the middle of an activity-- just to give a hug, and hop right back to playing.
The love of BALLS!
The sound of his laughter as he wrestled and tickled with Daddy and Bubby. His determination to ALWAYS fit right in.
The countless nights in the rocking chair... holding my precious one tight putting him to sleep (and fearing putting him down, that he might wake! LoL)
The pacifiers!
The little curls that had just begun to form on the crest of his little neck
Cutting the grass with Daddy!
Sweet potatoes!
The "un" pea face!

I could go on and on... and I will.  In time.  I long to see this list grow and grow with all the amazing memories we have. 
I am so thankful for each moment. 
What I wouldn't give to rock him, hold, him, kiss him, cuddle him... just once more. 

I love you so much baby boy!!! Up to the moon... and back!
Miss you more each day and can't wait till the day I see you again. 

Angel Tree

This year, for the first time, I did something I've wanted to do for 3 years. I've even started but not followed through... till this year.

Christmas time is naturally such a difficult time. It brings up so many emotions, so many reminders that he is not here, and is missing out on family memories. One of the hardest aspects is the gift giving. As I ponder, shop, wrap and dream about all the gifts we want to give our kids I can't help but think of all the gifts that I'm not giving again this year. The ones I can't purchase the ones that there is no longer a need for. I hate to admit that I don't even have a clue what those gifts would be! What would he be into if he was still here. What are other boys his age in to? nathaniel is not that much older than he, so why can't I even force myself to think of what 4/5 year old boys do- want- like.

It's apart of the Holiday I hate. It's a part of the Holiday I miss... yet it's a part that I could be doing in a way that would bless others.
So I went up to the Angel tree... as I looked at all the cards, I saw names, I read ages, I saw interests, dreams, hopes. These are children that won't really have a christmas without the love and support from someone else.
And here I am with all this extra love I want so badly to give but can't.
So I did it. I chose a name.

He is Kylique.
He is 5 years old.
He loves games, basketball, and movies.

Though he may not be 'mine'.. he was mine for the Holiday. He was mine for the gift buying, he was mine for the blessing.
I got the kids involved and told them about the special boy that we needed to shop for and prepare to bless this christmas. Though it was hard at moments we enjoyed shopping and gathering all the items to fill his bag. An outfit for school, a new pair of cool shoes, a basketball, some movies and a game...
I can only hope that the gifts we found brought excitment and smiles to his face as he opened them.
I know it blessed me and warmed my heart to think of, care for and shop for this sweet little boy. I needed him as much as he needed us this year. And I'm thankful for my Angel Tree boy.