Just a little update on Brayden's Maple... So proud of this special tree... brings us a smile each time we look out the window or go outback to play..

Whew! We did it... And it gets more beautiful each day! Looking forward to watch as months go by...

Thankful for the little things. Yep. Loving it.

Compassionate Friends

Went to my monthly Compassionate Friends meeting. Walked in late... as always. It's always so hard to get there ontime... no matter what. We had a big goup, several new people. Breaks my heart to look around that circle and see hurting faces of mommy's and daddy's who are in this same boat.. missing our precious children who should be here with us.
I am also so thankful for this group. Friendships have begun that I know I will treasure forever. Hugs and encouragement coming from those who understand so well...
I was glad I went... felt like my first night all over again. Didn't know what to say.. the tears just came. Life has not slowed down but somehow things have gotten a little less crazy. The numbness is fading, the shock wearing off... the adreline rush I was living off is now gone. life just is. and my precious baby boy.. is not. and that sucks. I feel like I am at the beginning all over again. Not knowing what to say, or do.. wanting to know how this pain could get much worse. Crying more tears... Unable to sleep till wee hours of the morning. Trying desperately to push aside all the difficult thoughts that flood my mind.
It's nice to hear I'm not alone. Comforting to know someone else has been here. I guess I'm not as crazy as I feel... these things I'm feeling and thinking have been thought and felt before, I guess that means I'm ok.
So, where to go from here? .. I know I need to get back into counseling. I have tried, made lots of phone calls... and only hitting brick walls. I can't take the kids.. and need childcare, which is so difficult. All the people I talk with have such limited schedules, I can't find anything that will work. SO Frustrating...
But for now, I lean on the strength that I have. I will make it. I am thankful and blessed for the friends and family around me... and for my compassionate friends.

Brayden Name Gallery- I need your Help!

OK so many of you have heard me recently talking about little Stellan and his McKMama. I read McKMama's blog on a regular basis and she is a blessing to many. God has given her a gift for writing, as well as photography and she shares her life adventures, advise, and MSC with us on a daily basis. Little Stellan is still in need of prayer, he is in PICU with a heart condition called SVT. A central line was put in yesterday which should help in being able to get him the IV med's that he needs to convert his heart to a Normal Sinus Rythm which is what he needs. Please continue to lift him and his family up in prayer.

Something that was done while McKMama was pregnant with Stellan was a name gallery. McKMama asked everyone to send pictures of Stellan's name so they could be made into a collage for his room. So much creativity went into this and it is worth checking out! click here to see Stellan's Name Gallery from last summer.

SO.. This is where I need your help.. I LOVE this idea so much that I would like to create a Name Gallery for Brayden. I love His name and when I hear or see it I am filled with thoughts and memories of my precious Brady boo. I would love to have a gallery of pictures with his name as a memory.

I know people don't often know what to say or are afraid to say anything about Brayden. It is still difficut and we miss him terribly everyday... but I LOVE to talk about my baby boy. I love to hear/see his name, and I love it when others remember him. Does it sometimes make me emotional? Do I cry talking about him? Yes.. Many times I still do. That is part of my grief journey.. and it is Ok. Please don't feel bad or hesitate asking questions or talking about Brayden.

If you would like to participate and help me create this gallery please send your photo to BecauseofBrayden@gmail.com. Be creative! Need ideas? check out Stellan's Gallery for some! Please let me know where it was taken and/or what was used for his name.

Thank You! I am so excited to see these pictures!!

Blessings!

Michelle

Brayden's Mommy

Connections...the unwanted club

Each day I am amazed by the internet... I have made some incredible connections over this thing called the world wide web and I am so thankful. I know that even though I may never meet many of these people, or families in person, they will forever have made an impact in my life.
I've heard it said that the hardest situation to go through.. is your own. I have found so much truth to this. It is human nature to want to try and comapare things or make ourselves feel one way or anyother about what happens in life. But truly no one knows what your going through more than yourself. We will NEVER be able to really feel what someone else is feeling. As bad as each story may sound.. our own story, our own journey is the hardest to walk. Because that is the one we are faced with each day.
There is something about reading the stories of others who are going through this difficult journey of loosing a child that are comforting... at moments I feel guilty for feeling this way. But then I realize that it is all we can do... to try and lift one another up, encourage or even just validate eachothers feelings. I hope that I can do the same through my story and help someone else.. I HATE that this had to happen... I HATE that I had to loose MY son... and I never wanted to be able to help someone else because I have been through it... It wasen't suposed to be this way..
But it is. and daily I am trying to accept the things I've been handed. I know that God's plans are greater than my own, I know that in HIS time He will use this situation, my life, Brayden's life... for good. Right now I still see through the glass darkly... I pray that He will help me to see through His eyes and to be open to be used how He wants me to be.
So many families are going through the same things we are. So many Mommy's and Daddy's have empty hands and are grieving the loss of one of their own. It seems so unfair. This is the club no one wants to be in. Yet it is where we all find ourselves.
Knowing we are not alone, that we are one of so many.. makes a difference. Seeing those that are "making it through" and are further in their grief, gives me Hope. The road will get easier... though there are bumps and curves, we will find our way like many others have.

This has just been a ramble of thoughts but I felt like sharing... thank you to all those that care about me and my family. Thank you to those who have reached out, and been transparent enough to share your story with me.

Spring is on the way!...

Update on our memorial tree...
So, while we were playing outside today Jake went over to our special Brayden Tree. We planted the Japanese Maple tree on Jan. 4th. We noticed that it has started blooming! We are so excited to see what this tree will look like in time and are hoping it will have beautiful leaves, beginning this year. We were a bit nervous planting this in the first place since neither of us have a very green thumb... but we did it. How encouraging today to see these little blooms. Reminded us that spring is coming and I know this tree will be beautiful and be something to enjoy and be proud of...


Daddy tending to our special tree... means so much to see it thriving!

The new blooms... This maple is called a bloodgood maple and should be full of beautiful crimson, burgandy leaves... so excited to see what it will become...

We also had such a nice time outside playing with Nathaniel and his new tee-ball set. Daddy and thanie played catch and daddy gave some pointers on learning to hit the ball. It was such a fun time... moments I didn't think we'd be able to have in the backyard again. It gave me the confidence to know that we will make new memories and be able to enjoy this yard. So thankful...

Miss you baby boy... loving you today...and missing you bunches. xoxoxo

9 months....

So today marks nine months since I lost my little baby boy.. 9 months...since my world shattered.. NINE months since I lost a peice of my heart. How can that be!? How is life moving on? How can things BE without him...
I miss you more today than ever before my Brady boo..
I thought things would get easier and it seems they just harder... The first 2-3 months were pure shock and numbness.. then the next 4 months were caios... Holidays, Ellie's birth, Brayden's b-day.... they were months I didn't think I would survive... didn't think I'd see february! Now here is it March and I look back thinking that those were the easy months. I think I was so consumed with everything that it somehow made things bearable. It's now, in the day to day moments that it hurts more than I could imagine. I miss him in all the small things... The quietness of life, the mundain daily tasks, the ongoing of life all seem to leave to much to open thought... I feel like I had so much going on I was riding on this adrienaline high... and now I've just been dropped off.
So, what do I do now??... How do I not do something, anything? Not sure what to do, what to think... I just want to cry... all the time.
My almost 3 year old newphew has been here in SC with my parents, and I've helped care for him while my mom worked... It's almost sereal... strange to see Nathaniel playing with a little boy... Putting not 2 but 3 kids in my van... settling them down, avoiding fights and returning stolen toys to the rightful owner... letting them run and play together outside...
Is this what life would be like? This IS what my life SHOULD be ....moments like this that will never be...I didnt imagine it would be this hard to see them together. To realize how much is missing... It hurts.
I love my nephew so much and am so glad to have him around. I hate that I have these feelings...
His smile, silly giggle, big cuddly hugs, and the fun they are having together.. all moments I treasure. All moments and memories I am so glad I have... so glad we can all share.

Just today my sister in law came to visit with my neices.. once again I was faced with this difficult situation. My neice is almost 15 months. From the moment she hopped out of the car and waddled up the driveway.. it hit me.
The babble, having her run across the room into my arms as I scoop her up in the air.... How I love it so much! Yet at the same time it causes such heart wrenching pain.
How badly I miss those things with my Brayden... Amazing how quickly I'm taken back to those moments... I have to double look as if I'm almost seeing him instead of her... What I would give... It seems so unfair....

I push back the tears, I suck up the pain... and I smile. I am so blessed to have family. To love and be apart of these precious lives... I hug them, hold them close... kiss their little heads and thank God for them. Then pray a prayer of protection over them and to bless their lives... What special little people they are.

It's in these quiet moments I cry... I feel the pain, I acknowledge the feelings... I don't have my Brayden anymore... My baby is not here and I am missing out on so many things.. my arms are empty and aching for his hugs, cuddles... I miss HIS forhead to kiss... IT SUCKS.. IT'S NOT FAIR... WHY!?? .... why him.... why me.... why us... How long will I feel this pain....

9 months.... of missing, of hurting, of needing, of crying, .....but yet life (somehow) moves on...

I love you baby boy.. I miss you more than words can say...

Valentines Day

..So Today is Valentines Day...

Felt like any other day. Nathaniel and I made vday cupcakes for daddy... It would have been so much fun to have had to here to help... I miss you so much. I can't believe it's been 8 months... 8 MONTHS!! How is that.. How have we lived, how has life gone on for that long... It seems so unreal, so sereal still... all I can do is shake my head and wipe a tear... We miss you more everyday.

My heart hurts today... wishing you were here... my special heavenly valentine...

... you should be celebrating with us. I miss you. I love you. Can't wait for the day when I will hold you again...

.. until then I'm trying to let go... and let Jesus hold you... I'm asking Him to give you extra special hugs and kisses for me today.. how my arms ache for you... I love you so much Brayden...

waiting for the day... my special valentine...

Mommy