Just thoughts...

I haven't posted here in awhile. I'm just not sure what to type. Life is here... it's moving forward, somehow. But it's still hard. I feel like I'm stuck in slow quicksand... I can see the other side and know I want to get out. I feel like I'm making steps in the right direction, but somehow I just end up deeper in crud or backwards. I just don't know how to catch up or get back on track with things. How could I have left things be for so long... to get so bad. I know I did what I needed to do by staying home, but it's hard to realize how much that hurt us financially. How can I get rid of this overwhelming feeling so that I can begin to clear my head and focus on the important things? I just can't make sense of anything... I want to make things right, but instead nothing is getting done.
frustrating.

I finally cleaned out some of my old purses and wallets. Found Brayden's health insurance card. I couldn't throw it away. It made me feel sad.. but made me happy all at once. It was that reminder, that assurance that yes, he was here... he did exist. It's hard to imagine that life will go on and soon those mere moments in life that were spent with my Brayden will feel smaller and smaller. Were getting closer to the time when he will be gone longer than he was here with us. Thats a hard fact to swallow.
I miss him. I miss life with him. I miss knowing what things would be like. I miss not being able to see Ellie and him interact. I miss the things that will never be.
I want to focus on the memories. I need to cherish the moments more.
Life is too short.

A creative Name

It has really been heavy on my heart lately to start a support group for parents who have lost small children. I know that part of this is selfish because I want it for myself, but I really do want to help others. To know that my story, my journey would be able to help someone else means so much. I want this to have something good from it.

Things are still very much in the works and I have no idea how long before it could become a reality.. but I am hopeful (and prayerful!)

One of the big things I am struggling with is a name! I have no idea what to call the group?!? I thought about doing something with Brayden's Name to honor Him (ex. Brayden's Hope, Because of Brayden...) But I worry that makes it too much about Him. I also thought about trying to make an acrostick (sp?) but I am so not creative. I also considered Heart to Heart... since thats really what I want to do, just share our hearts and journeys with each other. Our hard times and good times, tears and laughter... But , I kinda think that one just sounds cheesey!

SO Help!! Anyone out there reading have any ideas? suggestions??? Please share!!

Wednesday's Walk ... Down Memory lane...

The day is almost over but I wanted to end it with a memory before I go to bed. (So it's going to be short.. I may add more later!) One of my favorite memories of Brayden is the memories of how dramatic he was! I wish I had a picture of his exasperated look! He would get all flustered and throw his head back, drop his shoulders and let out a sigh. It was the cutest thing and we could never help but laugh when he did this! He truly was such a drama king and wasen't afraid to let you know how he felt about a given situation.

I miss that face... I miss that look... I miss him.

So thankful for the memories...

Just one of those days...

Nothings going right
The tears flow
Life just doesn't seem fair

Overslept
The kids are sick
Late for work...

Non-compliant kids at work
Slipped and fell
Banged me knee

Needing solitude
needing tears
...just one of those days

Missing Him
Needing him here
wanting more than anything for life to be different

Went and sat with him today
staring at the stone, still feels so sereal
but it brings comfort somehow

the birds still churp
the pinwheel spins
the cars fly by

Life will move on
Things will be ok
...Just one of those days.

An Invasion of Dragonflies...

Today was the first day back to work after a 3 day weekend. It was hard to wake up this morning. It was tough getting motivated for anything. Suprisingly, I got up and made it in good time... I had to be at a meeting after work so I had to figure out the kids and work out little details. The morning went by fairly quickly but I still felt off and a bit frazzled. I rushed over to my mom's to drop off the pickup sign for car rider line and then rushed off to my second school. Of course, my luck on a day like this... I get pulled over. Joy.

I pulled up to school, very late and even more frustrated and frazzled than before. The class was already out at the playground so I put my things down and met them outside. While we were out there a swarm of dragonflies was overhead right where we were standing. It was really wild. Another assistant from the class made the comment about the invasion of the dragonflies...

Me? .. I just smiled. As I looked up to the sky to see all those dragonflies, I felt some sort of relief. Things were going to be alright. I just needed to take a deep breath and take a step at a time. That was just the sign I needed today... a sign from my baby boy. Wish I would have been able to take a picture. I felt a calm and as if I was surrounded by Brayden... It's hard to put into words. I just wanted to say... nope, they're just there for me... It's my Brayden, letting me know things will be fine! (: As we were about to walk back inside I looked up again to see all but one out of sight and the other about to fly away... again I smiled. And then blew a kiss to heaven, thankful for that special moment, another sign, and thankful for the Invasion of Dragonflies. Today was the first day back to work after a 3 day weekend. It was hard to wake up this morning. It was tough getting motivated for anything. Suprisingly, I got up and made it in good time... I had to be at a meeting after work so I had to figure out the kids and work out little details. The morning went by fairly quickly but I still felt off and a bit frazzled. I rushed over to my mom's to drop off the pickup sign for car rider line and then rushed off to my second school. Of course, my luck on a day like this... I get pulled over. Joy.

I pulled up to school, very late and even more frustrated and frazzled than before. The class was already out at the playground so I put my things down and met them outside. While we were out there a swarm of dragonflies was overhead right where we were standing. It was really wild. Another assistant from the class made the comment about the invasion of the dragonflies...
Me? .. I just smiled. As I looked up to the sky to see all those dragonflies, I felt some sort of relief. Things were going to be alright. I just needed to take a deep breath and take a step at a time. That was just the sign I needed today... a sign from my baby boy. Wish I would have been able to take a picture. I felt a calm and as if I was surrounded by Brayden... It's hard to put into words. I just wanted to say... nope, they're just there for me... It's my Brayden, letting me know things will be fine! (: As we were about to walk back inside I looked up again to see all but one out of sight and the other about to fly away... again I smiled. And then blew a kiss to heaven, thankful for that special moment, another sign, and thankful for the Invasion of Dragonflies.

Still Holy

Sang this song at church tonight and it really spoke to me...
It's important to remind myself of these things, daily.

In the midst of my darkness, sadness, confussion, He is still Holy. Though I don't understand His ways... and things can't ever change... I do want my life to glorify Him. I want to trust Him with everything... to have His will in my life. I am so unworthy of His amazing love, forgivness, grace and mercy, yet it is given willingly... each and everyday. Thank you Lord for your love, thank you for your promises.

You are Still Holy
By: Kim Hill

Holy, You are still holy,
Even when the darkness surrounds my life
Sovereign, You are still sovereign
Even when confusion has blinded my eyes
Lord I don't deserve Your kind affection
When my unbelief has kept me from Your touch
I want my life to be a pure reflection of Your love

CHORUS:
And so I come into Your chambers
And I dance at Your feet Lord
You are my saviour, and I'm at Your mercy
All that has been in my life up to now
It belongs to You
You are still holy

Holy, You are still holy
Even though I don't understand Your ways
Sovereign You will be sovereign
Even when my circumstances don't change
Lord I don't deserve Your tender patience
When my unbelief has kept me from Your truth
I want my life to be a sweet devotion to You

CHORUS:
And so I come into Your chambers
And I dance at Your feet Lord
You are my saviour, and I'm at Your mercy.
All that has been in my life up to now
It belongs to You
I belong to You
And so I come into your chambers
And I dance at Your feet Lord
You are my saviour and I'm at your mercy
All that has been in my life up to now
It belongs to You
I belong to you

You are still holy, You are still sovereign
You are still holy, Lord
You are still righteous
You are all knowing
You are still holy, You are still holy

Wednesday's Walk ... Down Memory lane...

Outside Fun!


Brayden Loved playing outside. One of the main reasons we chose this house was for the large backyard. Many days were spent outside playing (:
The memory I chose to highlight today is captured in the picture above. You see, Brayden loved to be outside, but didn't like the way the grass felt on his legs. If he was barefoot or had sandals he was also hesitant get out. Before he was able to walk, Brayden would "crawl" on his hands and feet in the grass so that his legs would not touch the grass. It was so funny to watch. I wish I had it on video... but at least we have this picture. It makes me laugh just looking at it. I remember so well seeing him getting all over the yard this way!
My silly little guy....


Cheese! Hi everyone... my little ham (:






Brayden was so excited once he began walking... and learing to walk outisde on the grass was nothing short of fun. In no time he was running all over the yard trying to catch up with his brother. Brayden never wanted to miss a thing and it was such a joy to watch him take everything in.


Love you baby boy... Would love to see you outside running around now. The fun we would have...
Thank you for all the smiles, for all the memories.
I miss you more than anyone could ever know. love you so much..