9 months....

So today marks nine months since I lost my little baby boy.. 9 months...since my world shattered.. NINE months since I lost a peice of my heart. How can that be!? How is life moving on? How can things BE without him...
I miss you more today than ever before my Brady boo..
I thought things would get easier and it seems they just harder... The first 2-3 months were pure shock and numbness.. then the next 4 months were caios... Holidays, Ellie's birth, Brayden's b-day.... they were months I didn't think I would survive... didn't think I'd see february! Now here is it March and I look back thinking that those were the easy months. I think I was so consumed with everything that it somehow made things bearable. It's now, in the day to day moments that it hurts more than I could imagine. I miss him in all the small things... The quietness of life, the mundain daily tasks, the ongoing of life all seem to leave to much to open thought... I feel like I had so much going on I was riding on this adrienaline high... and now I've just been dropped off.
So, what do I do now??... How do I not do something, anything? Not sure what to do, what to think... I just want to cry... all the time.
My almost 3 year old newphew has been here in SC with my parents, and I've helped care for him while my mom worked... It's almost sereal... strange to see Nathaniel playing with a little boy... Putting not 2 but 3 kids in my van... settling them down, avoiding fights and returning stolen toys to the rightful owner... letting them run and play together outside...
Is this what life would be like? This IS what my life SHOULD be ....moments like this that will never be...I didnt imagine it would be this hard to see them together. To realize how much is missing... It hurts.
I love my nephew so much and am so glad to have him around. I hate that I have these feelings...
His smile, silly giggle, big cuddly hugs, and the fun they are having together.. all moments I treasure. All moments and memories I am so glad I have... so glad we can all share.

Just today my sister in law came to visit with my neices.. once again I was faced with this difficult situation. My neice is almost 15 months. From the moment she hopped out of the car and waddled up the driveway.. it hit me.
The babble, having her run across the room into my arms as I scoop her up in the air.... How I love it so much! Yet at the same time it causes such heart wrenching pain.
How badly I miss those things with my Brayden... Amazing how quickly I'm taken back to those moments... I have to double look as if I'm almost seeing him instead of her... What I would give... It seems so unfair....

I push back the tears, I suck up the pain... and I smile. I am so blessed to have family. To love and be apart of these precious lives... I hug them, hold them close... kiss their little heads and thank God for them. Then pray a prayer of protection over them and to bless their lives... What special little people they are.

It's in these quiet moments I cry... I feel the pain, I acknowledge the feelings... I don't have my Brayden anymore... My baby is not here and I am missing out on so many things.. my arms are empty and aching for his hugs, cuddles... I miss HIS forhead to kiss... IT SUCKS.. IT'S NOT FAIR... WHY!?? .... why him.... why me.... why us... How long will I feel this pain....

9 months.... of missing, of hurting, of needing, of crying, .....but yet life (somehow) moves on...

I love you baby boy.. I miss you more than words can say...

Valentines Day

..So Today is Valentines Day...

Felt like any other day. Nathaniel and I made vday cupcakes for daddy... It would have been so much fun to have had to here to help... I miss you so much. I can't believe it's been 8 months... 8 MONTHS!! How is that.. How have we lived, how has life gone on for that long... It seems so unreal, so sereal still... all I can do is shake my head and wipe a tear... We miss you more everyday.

My heart hurts today... wishing you were here... my special heavenly valentine...

... you should be celebrating with us. I miss you. I love you. Can't wait for the day when I will hold you again...

.. until then I'm trying to let go... and let Jesus hold you... I'm asking Him to give you extra special hugs and kisses for me today.. how my arms ache for you... I love you so much Brayden...

waiting for the day... my special valentine...

Mommy

Memory Quilt

I finally got my quilt! ... Here is the memory quilt we had made with some of Brayden's clothing. A lady right here in Summerville made it for us and did an incredible job! We had some things embroidered with his name and birth information as well as some fun memories. Cuddle Bug, Mr. Independent, loves his belly button, and fearless.

It was originally going to be crib quilt size but we had to many things and wanted them to be big enough to see the peices so it is not a full lap quilt. I love that it is one more thing tangible to cuddle up with and hold onto. I am so thankful that we found all these wonderful ways to preserve memories and honor Brayden. I Love having these precious items to hold onto forever.

I feel close to my baby when I cuddle under the blanket and hug tight to my bears... miss you baby boy.. love you so much... can't wait to truly hug and kiss you again one day...

...Today in church Pastor Greg talked about Heaven.. He talked about how things will be and one question he attempted to answer is how we will look/be in Heaven. He mentioned that he believes firmly that babies and young children will remain and be ressurected the same age. He believes that children are dear and close to God's heart and HE will give us the opportunity to reunite with them and then watch them grow up.. I love that thought!! Tears ran down my face as I realized that truth.. I've always believed that we will see our loved ones again in Heaven and we would recognize them as they were... but I never thought of it that way or considered having the opportunity to watch Brayden grow up..

I look forward more than ever to getting to heaven... I will see you one day soon baby boy.. love and miss you more than words can say....

Brayden's Sunset...

For Brayden's birthday (Jan. 5th) Jake took off work so that we could be together and do something. Jake's parents were still in town so they spent the day with us as well... Well things were not turing out as we planned and plans kept getting changed. In the end we wound up at the beach... intended on walking down the pier but it was closed by the time we got there. Instead we just happened to be there in time to watch the sunset. I can't remember the last time I saw a full sunset in the open like this and it was so moving and beautiful. I guess sometimes God has plans that don't match ours and this was one of those times. We were frutrated with the kids (Ellie was fussy and Nathaniel has to come home for a nap...) So we didn't get to do what we originally planned. Instead God ordained for us to see this beautiful sight and it was so neat. I'm glad we were there... it really felt like the best way to end this special day...

We also went to the memory garden that morning to place balloons which I really wanted to do ... It was neat to see them blowing in the wind, we could see them all the way from the car.

love you baby boy.. miss you so much!

Family Pictures

One of the Hardest issues for me that has come up is the idea of Family pictures... Those who know me know how much I love pictures and how much they mean to me. Well this year I didn't want to do them. How in the world could we ever do another family picture?!! It would always be missing Brayden and be so hard to look at.. Well all those who love me k now that I would regret not having them done so I was encouraged to try. Since my Brayden bears came in time we decided to use one of them in the picture in memory of Brayden. It is still not the same nor will it ever be and its still difficult to look at but I am glad that we had them done. Still haven't been able to hang them up at home yet.. but I think we will get there. I decided that last years pictures will stay up. This one and the ones to come will just be up with it. My "new normal"and "new family" will always make me think about things differently. But with lots of prayers and encouragement I will be able to celebrate the "now family" that God has given me. As we celebrate this year as the first Christmas and first family shot with Elliana we will also remember the missing void of Brayden. I am so glad to have our special bears at least to include his memory there. Enjoy the pictures.
My favorite was the Christmas background but Jake wanted the neutral one to keep all year... I had to get at least one of the Christmas though so here it is...

My Beautiful Children.... Thank you Jesus for my 3 precious gifts...

The Final Touch....

Well... after a long frustrating wait we finally got the monument placed on Christmas eve. We were hopful it may be up before Elliana was born but one thing after another and it just didn't happen. My ultimate goal was before Christmas so at least we got that. My mom had a fake tree the perfect size she gave me to decorate and we gathered some pointsettia's to fill the vases. I'm really pleased with it. OF course a pinwheel... I hope that we can always keep one here. Love how it looks in the breeze, and such memories of how much Brayden loved them. I can still feel and see the joy and excitement he felt. It was so hard to decide what we wanted on the stone... but in all I think it came out well. Seeing it for the first time was so difficult. Much more emotional than I expected. I knew it would make things feel even more real, more final.. but still was not prepared for how it hit me when I saw it. The verse we chose is Phil 1:3... "I thank my God every time I remember you. " That will always be my Brayden verse and I'm so glad we did that one.

Amazes me how different things feel after loosing Brayden compared to my dad. I hated going to the cemetary... I can prob count on my hands the number of times I have been in 16 years! ... But things are different this time. I find myself wanting to go.. and wanting to be there. Now that the monument is in place I think that I will want to even more. Wanting to keep flowers there and other things... wanting to just sit in silence.. and spend time there. I even sit and talk to Brayden there.. and to God. Strange to explain how it feels.

Well I'm just so thankful that we have things in place now.. and thankful for all the ways we have been blessed through this journey. Thank you God for proving all the means to have this plot, paid off, and this beautiful monument as a tribute to the gift you give us in Brayden.

Its now complete... the final touch in place...

Love you baby boy... Miss you everyday....

Birthday Memorial

..Where to begin.. So much has happened in the last few weeks! I wish I had more time to post. I hop eto catch up on some needed entries soon.

Today was a tough day but went so well. We had a baloon release and planted a memorial tree in homor of Brayden's birthday which is tomorrow. Many of our close friends and family came which meant so much. We are truly blessed and surrounded by such amazing people.

We used the song "Come to Jesus" by Chris Rice and as the final verse talked about flying to Jesus we all let the balloons up and sent them to Brayden.

..I miss you so much baby boy.... We love you and would give anything to have you here with us. Happy Birthday! Hope you enjoyed your balloons!!