Tidbits of a journey... Remembering My Precious Gift

Angel Tree

2012-01-02T22:37:00.002-05:00

This year, for the first time, I did something I've wanted to do for 3 years. I've even started but not followed through... till this year.

Christmas time is naturally such a difficult time. It brings up so many emotions, so many reminders that he is not here, and is missing out on family memories. One of the hardest aspects is the gift giving. As I ponder, shop, wrap and dream about all the gifts we want to give our kids I can't help but think of all the gifts that I'm not giving again this year. The ones I can't purchase the ones that there is no longer a need for. I hate to admit that I don't even have a clue what those gifts would be! What would he be into if he was still here. What are other boys his age in to? nathaniel is not that much older than he, so why can't I even force myself to think of what 4/5 year old boys do- want- like.

It's apart of the Holiday I hate. It's a part of the Holiday I miss... yet it's a part that I could be doing in a way that would bless others.
So I went up to the Angel tree... as I looked at all the cards, I saw names, I read ages, I saw interests, dreams, hopes. These are children that won't really have a christmas without the love and support from someone else.
And here I am with all this extra love I want so badly to give but can't.
So I did it. I chose a name.

He is Kylique.
He is 5 years old.
He loves games, basketball, and movies.

Though he may not be 'mine'.. he was mine for the Holiday. He was mine for the gift buying, he was mine for the blessing.
I got the kids involved and told them about the special boy that we needed to shop for and prepare to bless this christmas. Though it was hard at moments we enjoyed shopping and gathering all the items to fill his bag. An outfit for school, a new pair of cool shoes, a basketball, some movies and a game...
I can only hope that the gifts we found brought excitment and smiles to his face as he opened them.
I know it blessed me and warmed my heart to think of, care for and shop for this sweet little boy. I needed him as much as he needed us this year. And I'm thankful for my Angel Tree boy.

Back in Line

2012-01-02T22:14:00.003-05:00

Well... I have been seeing a psychiatrist for several months now and finally feel like we are getting some where. It's amazing the things that can come up when you dig, question, and just allow them to. A few weeks ago I had a major breakthrough in my healing/ greiving process.

It goes back to a time about 3 years ago, not too long after Brayden's accident, while sitting at a compassionate friends meeting. One of the other moms (who had lost a daughter to a fire) shared that she was doing so much better, that with the help of her counselor she felt she was moving forward and facing life so much more postivily. The reason she stated was that she had moved her daughter from HERE (placing her hand smack in front of her face!) to here (placing her hand lowered and to the side of her face.) Humm.. I remember thinking, that sounds ok, sounds interesting... but I really didn't "get" it.
So all these years later, having life taken us through all it has and knowing where I ended up this summer, that thought came back to me. Though I feel so stressed, overwhelmed, unable to handle kids/life/ etc.. I was being told that these things were part of my 'compicated grief' That it was somewhat all related to the loss of Brayden. I was feeling consumed, overwhelmed, closed in on... by life... but was it really? Or was it more that I was allowing myself to be consumed with Brayden, his death, the guilt that surrounds it, the what, how, who, etc.. of how to carry on and help my family as I need to, etc..
Like a light bulb going off I realized that I too had my Hand smack in front of my face. That I was holding Brayden, his death, and all those other things front and center in my life and it was affecting my ability to deal with all the other things I need to do.
While talking to my Dr. she went on to continue this analogy by showing me the struggle my children, my husband, my committments, etc. were all being affected by this "wall of sorts' I had place in front of me. (While placing her Hand in front of her face) Do you see, here is Ellie trying to talk to her mommy, Here is Nathaniel trying to get Mommy's attention, can you see them? hear them or attend to them like you need (this way) ?
Was Brayden that much more important than any of them?
Was my selfish feelings, guilt, saddness, need to remember more important than them?

Wow. It made so much sence now.
Wow. How, Why had I done this and lived this way for so long?

She continued on to not only move her hand down lower to the side of her face but directly in her periferal view. She shared how He needs to be right where everything else is. Still in view, still there, still just as important... but sharing the light with Jake, Ellie, Nathaniel, Me, Life, Others. She illustrated it like a fan, moving all around the front of me. All in a row.. all in sight, all together yet in their own spot. All accessible.
I had moved Brayden from his spot and given him rule over everything. Which made me no good at many things. He was taking over, and taking me away from so many things that needed me.
It was time for him to return to his place.
To just be 'one of them'.
Apart of my life, yes.
But not front and center.
Just Back in Line with the others where he should be.

Thankful to be Confronted

2011-11-20T12:40:00.002-05:00

Over the last year I have really found the importance of being thankful for the blessings we have. It is so easy to get overwhelmed with life, the negative, the pain, and forget about all the good things. I have made it a goal to find something each day to be thankful for. Though I have not done as well as I hoped I would it has challenged my thoughts and has made me look at each day a little differently.

One of the things I am so thankful for is Dr. West.
For 3 years we struggled with finding a Dr., counselor, social worker, etc. to help Nathaniel. With my background I know the importance of getting help and talking about things with other trusted people. Due to scheduling, personality clashes, finaces, etc.. we have seem to hit one brick wall after another. As Nathaniel gets older I worry about his anxiety, his grieving, his memories... I want for him to process what he had to experience at such a young age the right way and begin the process of healing so that it makes him a better, stronger, more loving and appreciative person.
Several months, well almost a year ago, we were told about a local child psychologist Dr. West. He is in high demand and hard to get in with but is excellent with kids. Though we waited a while for an appointment it was worth it ten times over! Nathaniel has hit it off so well with Dr. West. has opened up and shared things, and has made lots of progress through his appointments. Dr. West has so much experience, is so wise in his years, but can cut it up with Nathaniel just the same. He is funny, smart, caring, and intuitive.

Well back a few months, Dr. West asked me to schedule a seperate appointment without Nathaniel so that we could just talk more openly. We always take a few minutes at the beginning or end of appointments but Nathaniel is there (along with Ellie and even Avery at times!)So this particular appointment was set aside for just us.

I believe it was late June. I was stressed, having trouble coping with life, struggling at home with Nathaniel, etc..
Dr. West sat me down in his office and immediately stated that he was worried about Me. He told me that he wanted to share some observations but to correct him if he was seeing things wrong. He went on to say that he saw me as overwhemed, up to my eyeballs and greatly struggling. He said He imagined I was not handeling life in general very well... especially at home.
Before he was even finished talking the tears began to flow. Here is this man, who hardly know me at all... sees me for a few moments every other week... but can see right through me!
Though I knew how bad things were I denied that fact that I was "depressed". I don't sit around crying for hours, thinking about Brayden like I used to. I 'know better' that to be depressed. With my background, education, etc.. that can't be me. But as we talked on Dr. West looked me in the eye and told me, those hours mindlessly behind the computer, sitting in one spot on the couch, avoiding many of lives responsibilities, etc... "That's called depression". I cried, alot. It was so hard to hear this.. about myself. But knew it was so true. Things had gotten out of hand. I was hurting, and needed to do something about it. He encouraged me to call someone right away. To talk to a psychiatrist about my medication, which was obviously not doing it's job.
"Nathaniel is really doing ok," he said, "but he's not going to continue to get better if you don't take care of yourself. " To know that me and my problems were not only hurting myself but my family as well was a hard pill to swallow.

Wow. I left feeling overwhelemed, suprised, hurt, this was not what I expected.
But I felt a sence of hope, encouragement and motivation to for the first time in along time, take care of me. I was actually glad that he had been so honest and straight forward with me.
I was caught off guard.
I was put in my place.
I was forced to look inward.
And I have never been so thankful to be confronted.

OH Blogger... I have missed you!

2011-11-20T10:17:00.005-05:00

Wow.. so it has been entirely too long since I've written. I've said it before but I hate that life gets so busy and it's things like this blog that get pushed aside, and pretty much forgotten.
I miss my freedom to write here... the chance to put out my feelings, give voice to my thoughts.
So much has taken place since I've written. It has been quite an interesting few months. I've made notes and begun to write down thoughts and updates but never got it all down together here. So now I am going to try and catch up. Pardon me now as it will probably be all over the place.
It's hard to even know where to begin, how to fit it in to one post. So I think I am going to take it a little at a time, in different posts.
So much has been needed...
So many necessary changes
So many "new's"
So much to be thankful for.

Not Enough

2011-06-03T23:55:00.004-04:00

Grief sucks
I feel knocked off my feet again.
The weight is heavy on my chest.
I can't see past this storm.

My head hurts
My emotions are raw
My eyes are puffy
I've had my cry.... more than one.

But tonight, its not enough.

I hate this feeling.

I've given my time
I've shared my heart
I've tried to make a difference
I've tried to make his life carry on

But tonight, its not enough.

I just want him here.

I've screwed up in so many areas
I feel so disoriented ...with life.
I wish things would stop spinning around me
And life would pause

But tonight, that wouldn't be enough.

I just want things back the way they were
It hurts.
It sucks.
Its unfair.

Yet, Its my reality.

Tonight, nothings good enough.

Tough Questions

2011-06-03T00:44:00.002-04:00

Over the last several months we have had the opportunity to share our story with MANY people. It means so much to have my life, experiences, and dreams encourage someone else. I have been told by lots that there is power to our story. I feel as though it is all I have, I have no option but to use it, share it and hope that it will make a difference for someone else.

To save one life, would make it all worth it.

To help others to think about things differently

To make bettere choices...

That would give me purpose

That would give reason behind my pain

That would create even more value to a precious life, lost too soon

Through the organization we have had a number of invitations for Interviews

This particular interview was certainly the hardest one yet...

She was very nice, and compassionate. But when it was time for the questioning she pryed very hard. Asking questions like How he specifically got out the back door, and exactely what we felt in the moment we 'found' him. What was the first thing we did, said, etc..

It was so difficult. Felt like someone pulled the rug from under me and it caught me so off guard. I felt myself getting so emotional and I wanted desperately to keep it together.

My reason for coming, my purpose for sharing was to focus on water safety. I want to encourage other people to not make the mistakes we made, by educating on the things that can and should be done.

But why was she digging deeper into the details of this awful tradgedy? Why did she feel the need to open up such painful memories?

I was at a loss for words.

The camera was rolling and I tried hard to make it obvious to move on..

God gave me the strength to answer honestly but briefly.

I was able to keep going.

I was so glad when it was over.

But I was also thankful. I knew that time was going to come. I knew I would be faced with those questions and forced into uncomfortable situations.

And now that 'first' time is done.

And I'm stronger because of it.

...I can only hope those who heard the interview saw the heart of my message and were encouraged to do things different. To help save lives.

First Responder

2011-06-03T00:41:00.003-04:00

For a long time now I have had lots of questions.

Truths I really don't want to be told, things I'm not sure I want to hear... but answers that yet, I feel I need.

Ever since the accident I have wanted to know why we never left the house that night. I have read, heard and met many others who went through similar accidents, and each one of them was rushed, usually airlifted, to the hospital.

Why is it that it took (what seemed to me) forever for EMS to arrive?

Why did the firetruck arrive first and not until several moments later the ambulance?

Do the first responders truly have the same training and equipment as the ambulance/ paramedic??

... Would any of this really made a difference?

An opportunity showed up at one of the most unexpected times.

It was May 22, 2011.

2nd Annual Water Safety Day

I saw a few of the members of the fire department looking at the B.O.B table and saw them talking. I didn't think much of it. We had invited them (for the 2nd year) to come participate with us and looked forward to partnering with them more in the future.

It wasn't until I heard them talking about addresses and then a friend, Jo, turned to find me and ask me my address that I looked over and saw her.

As soon as our eyes met, I knew that the one Jo had been talking to, was one of those who responded the night of the accident.

A flood of emotions raced through me as I walked over to the group.

I could see the memories come flashing back as she shared how deeply Brayden's accident had impacted her. In fact, knowing that they were coming to a "drowning prevention" event, she had shared with a co-worker about our story... never assuming that we were the same family.

That was, until she saw Brayden's picture.

I was moved and encouraged as she shared how rare it is to get to meet or see a family again after a call, especially when it was a difficult outcome.

She was so thankful to see that we had made the decision to make something positive out of our tragedy and do all that we can to educate others.

I couldn't hold it in... I had to open the box and begin to ask some of the questions that had flooded my thoughts for so long. This was not the way, the setting that I had imagined. I did not feel prepared- but yet I just had to take the opportunity put in front of me.

Though emotions took over and I stumbled over words I did hear some things I needed to hear that day.

I didn't feel that I received the 'answers' I was looking for but somehow I still felt a bit of peace.

I don't believe in coincidences... I believe this was a divine meeting. I hope that it impacted her the way it impacted me and I am thankful.

Blessed by Words

2011-03-14T14:23:00.003-04:00

Yesterday we had the opportunity to participate in an event downtown. It was the 2011 Kids Fair. We were blown away with how involved this event was, the number of vender's and organizations represented and how many people came. We stayed consistently BUSY the entire time... and by the end we were wiped to say the least! We ran out of all our giveaways, and coloring sheets and only have a handful of books and pamphlets left! What an awesome event. I hope that our message reached many many families and is one that will be remembered.

As we always do, we met several very sweet and encouraging people. One of things that meant the most to me today was when a woman came with several of her grandchildren. She was so glad to see that we were teaching about water safety and wanted to be sure that each child took the water safety pledge, and fully understood it's meaning. She shared how she would be watching many kids over the summer and that they would be swimming as well as going to the beach. She knew the importance of water safety and shared with the kids that she would be reminding them and holding them accountable to the things that we shared with them.

This made me feel like it was all worth it. This is the reason I am doing what we are doing.

Before she left she came up to me, asked to give me a hug and said,

"Thank you for turning your hurt into a Halo"...

I thought about it for a moment and then just smiled. I had never heard that phrase before and it meant so much to me. She continued saying that me and my 'angel' would impact and save many lives.

I was so thankful for this opportunity today and was blessed in many ways... but most of all it was blessed by this woman's simple sweet words.

A kiss from you...

2011-02-18T15:30:00.002-05:00

It is an absolutely beautiful day here today. The sun is shinning, the gentle breeze is calming and the temp's are in the 70's!
While me and Ellie were out running errands we ended up right around the corner. With not a specific time to be anywhere I couldn't resist...so we went to visit you today...
It put a smile on my face to see your colorful flowers. I wish I did better about bringing new ones more often. They even kept the pinwheel's in this time. Today there was the perfect amount of wind to set them spinning away. How you would have squealed in delight to have seen them go. Elliana loved them too. When the wind would stop it made her sad so she would use her hand to keep them going. I tried to teach her how to blow them (o: What I wouldn't give to see the two of you together. The fun we would have while Bubby is in school. The three of you together would have been even more of a sight... the adventures we would have! I'm tired just thinking about all the energy! Oh, but the laughter and playing would be music to my ears.
Without you here our family has such a void. The lack of your presence feels like such a hole. I love to see Thanie and Ellie play together... and the moments when you see how much they love each other mean so much. Yet their age difference makes it a little difficult. They will never really be able to play together as I know you both would have. (As would have been with you and Ellie as well) The bond they share, though special, is different. Thanie is such a good big brother... looking after lil sister, as I'm sure you would too. Oh how very much we miss you! I remind her often that she has a big brother watching out from Heaven! And what an advantage and full view you have! (o:

As I sat there just dreaming and thinking of you the neatest thing happened. Out of nowhere came a butterfly, the only one is sight, and it landed right on the pinwheel we'd been playing with. And just as quickly as it landed... it was off again. Gently brushed my arm as it flew away.
It was small and so beautiful.
It was quick and so meaningful.
What I wouldn't give to have a picture of that moment! Yet now it is just as everything else... and just a memory. One I will cherish in my thoughts and in my heart.
The simplest thing... brought such a smile to my face. And all I could do is look up and say "Thank you!"
For I felt that it was a kiss from you.

Love to you to the moon...

Questions

2011-02-12T22:29:00.002-05:00

This weekend was one full of emotions. We had the opportunity to attend a class in Infant, Child and Adult CPR. This is something that we have thought about and considered many times but had not made the move to do it. We knew that it was going to be difficult. There was not alot of preparing to do this and I don't think any of us quite knew what to expect. The group was small... just family. Jake, myself, my mom, and two sisters had an instructor come to the house to do the training. I was glad that it would be intimate and just us. Some of us had been certified in the past and some of us had never taken a course before.
Jake had not taken one.. and I knew this was such a huge step for him to do this. Throughout the class I know his thoughts were so much on Brayden. Remember the events of that day and thinking of so many "what if's." I know that Jake feels like he didn't know what he was doing that day and questions his actions. He has since told me that he wishes I had taken over the CPR when I arrived, but I was too out of it to have even realized that. Not that I think I would have been able to do it. I was so proud of what Jake did that day. I believe that he selflessly did everything he was told to do and gave his all to help his son.
There are so many questions we will never have answers to. There are so many scenarios that can be played in our minds. Many of those came back to the surface through this course. It's so hard to hear "how sucessful CPR is" and how it is "how to save a life" ... when you know that it does not always work.
Why did it take so long for help to arrive??
Why did the firetruck arrive first? (with what appeared in that moment to be clueless unprepared idiots on it?)
Why did the ambulance take so much longer? Why did they not have the right equipment?
Why did we never leave the house? ...
What was his "state" when help first arrived? Was he completely gone before they even started?
I could go on and on...
So many thoughts, so many questions.

We have recently been contacted by the wife of one of the officers who responded that night. It was for different reasons but I finally asked if he would be willing to talk with us as well. She gave us his contact info and said that this event impacted his life more than anything has and he would love to help out and talk with us anytime.
I still have not done anything with his information. I want so badly to talk to him. To drill him with all my questions and get answers to the things I don't understand. But I know that is not realistic. I know that I need to keep an open mind that many questions I may never know the answers to.
Please pray for wisdom. Pray that God will prepare my heart and my mind... so that when the time is right we can contact him. That hearing another perspective will bring us some peace and settle some of the questions and doubts. Help me to know if this is something I should really pursue... it is something I truly desire so much.
I hate how much we as adults analyze, and question. What I wouldn't give to have the mind of a child... to just accept things as they are and to be able to move on even when it doesn't make sence or is not completely explained to our liking.
I am grateful for this opportunity. For this weekend and the skills that we learned, and refreshed. I am thankful that my family was there, to support us, and help themselves as much as to help us.
I'm thankful for the opportunity to voice my questions...

fading memories...

2011-02-02T01:39:00.002-05:00

I worked on your scrapbook tonight,
as I have many nights before.
This time was different...
As I flipped through the pictures
of your life that we knew
the memories came flooding back.
Memories that had otherwise felt
..forgotten.

Could it be that the memories are fading?
For the memories are all I have left of you.
I know it is impossible to remember each and every day
to never forget a thing
But what I wouldn't give to have that chance.
I want to remember all the details
I want to always hear all the sounds...
like your laughter as you played and tickled with daddy
and your cry for "Momma" through the night...
I want to never forget the exasperated look on your face as you flung your head back so dramatically or that sweet smile of joy as you danced.
I want to always feel the weight of your hugs as you cuddled so close
and cling on to the happiness, the gift of each day we were given.

So as I gaze through these pages
I am so thankful for so many pictures.
I marvel the many fun times we had.
I am even more motivated to complete this sometimes difficult task
and to create a treasure of the precious memories.
A treasure to remind
A treasure to bring joy
A treasure to carry a legacy...

Within, holds memories that may fade from my mind on the surface
but will last with me, in my heart .. for a lifetime.

Missing you so much tonight. Wishing I had more than just the memories...

Check out this entry I found on Eye of the Beholder.

2011-01-26T00:24:00.000-05:00

We need your help! Please Vote for the photo of our precious Brayden in the Eye of the Beholder contest with Shutterfly. You can vote daily till Feb. 13th! Thanks for your support!

Check out this entry on Eye of the Beholder.

Four

2011-01-05T23:50:00.002-05:00

Four years ago today I was given one of the greatest gifts I ever recieved.
Four years ago today, I looked into the face of a precious baby boy.
Four years ago today, I began what is now one of the most special 17 months of my life.
Four years ago I became Mommy to Brayden Russell.

There was no planning a party, there were no candles on a cake
Instead of wrapping presents... I was making new floral arrangements.
There are visits with friends to Chuck E Cheese... only visits to the cemetary.
His Birthday's have lost there joy.

It's a day of reflection
A day of memories
A day of wishing
A day of of missing.

Today, even though there are tears, I choose to be Thankful.
Though there is sadness, I am Thankful for this day he was born
Though I yearn and ache for more, I am Thankful for each day, each moment of the 17 months and one day we were given
I amThankful for the memories we have.

Happy 4th Birthday Sweet Brayden... I love you so much. We miss you more and more each day. What I wouldn't give to see how big you would be, what you would be into, the excitement as you celebrate your day. I can only imagine what this day must be like in Heaven. I can't wait for the day we will hold you and party with you again.
Jesus, Please give my baby boy hugs for me today... remind him how much we love him and miss him.
Hold him... till we can hold him again.

Christmas

2010-12-25T20:53:00.002-05:00

It's that time of the year... the hustle and bustle has begun. People are busy, shopping, and getting ready for Christmas! It's a time for giving, a time for families, a time for memories.

We woke up this morning at my in- laws house. We try to do Christmas with each side of the family every other year, alternating with Thanksgiving. So this was the year to be in Maryland. Because Elliana aws born so close to Christmas the year we would have come up here last, this is actually the first year we have been here on Christmas day since 2007. It didn't even dawn on me until we were here. Sitting on the couch, seeing the live tree full of colorful glass balls and tinsil. The memories starting flowing back. It hit with a flow of emotions. In the pit of my stomach the realization caused a churning and an ache. December 2007, the one and only Christmas we were granted to share with our precious Brayden... was here, with Gramma and Papa. I could see the memories like visions or flashbacks. I so treasure these wonderful moments we have captured through beautiful pictures. Yet the longing came back like an unexpected title wave.
What a joy it is to see Elliana smile in delight as she and Nathaniel help Gramma finish decorating the tree. How fun it is to sit around the table with everyone. The excitment filled the air as Papa, Daddy and Uncle Brendon play with the kids.
Yet the void is so ever present.

What I wouldn't give to have him here with us today. How I would give anything to be able to make these memories and share these memories with him. How exciting it would be to have all three of them together. Candy, chocolate, and cookies galore and treats for breakfast. It's definately Christmas.
But it's just not the same.

The kids were so excited to run downstairs this morning to check on whether or not Santa came! Paper was ripping, trash was flying and the room was full of excitment. Ooh's and ah's could be heard around the room as all the new presents were being discovered.
I am so thankful for these moments, so blessed to create these memories, so love the joy all around...

Just missing him today... in a big way, and wishing he was here with us.

Candlelight

2010-12-18T20:38:00.005-05:00

Through this journey of loss and grief I have come to a very different perspective and appreciation for candlelight.

So often used to symbolize light admist darkness, hope in a seemingly unbearable situation the light from a candle is bright, and radiates an amazing beauty.

We were blessed with the opportunity to share a special eveing and Christmas dinner with my Compassionate Friends group. It is a tradition that has been for several years. Dinner at Gilligans restaurant, an ornament exhange.. and then a candle lighting.

It's such an experience, such a feeling in the air as the room transforms from eating, chatting, and laughter... to quiet, remberance. Each family represented goes to the front of the room, lights a candle in honor of their child, and shares about them. At the end a few moments of silence are shared as we watch all the candles burning.
It sad yet selfishly comforting to see all the lives represented that were lost too soon. It's a reminder that we are truly not alone on this journey of bereaved parents.

In a beautiful way, the light of the candle shines brightly, reminding us that though Brayden is not here with us phyiscally now... his light still carries on in our hearts.

We will cherish the memories, we will relive the moments through photos, and the love will ring through us all who have been touched by his life.

It is a joy to speak his name, it is humbling to be admist and apart of such a group, and to honor the life of our precious gift, Brayden... burning bright through candlelight.

Without Him...

2010-11-28T22:30:00.006-05:00

We got our family pictures taken today. It's the first time since just after E was born... 2 years ago! Its such a bittersweet feeling when I think about pictures. Pictures are a huge part of my life... if you know me, you know that. Everywhere we go, every new event, milestone, etc. requires a picture! I am so excited to capture new memories... to "freeze" these moments with a photo.

As the same breath it is still so difficult to have "family" pictures taken knowing that ours is incomplete. I feel as though our pictures, as well as our lives will always have a void. I still stop and ask myself, "how can we take a picture together without him?" This came up this week as well as our family gathered for Thanksgiving. As we always do when were together, we piled all the grandkids together for a picture. Again, it felt so wrong... so incomplete. The only comfort I could feel that day was that my neice Zoey, was also missing from the picture as she is far away and couldn't come.

How I wish it could be different. What I wouldn't give to see these photo's 'complete'. Such a sight it would be to watch Brayden interact with all his cousins and siblings.

I had every intention to bring one of Brayden's Bears with us today and/or a pinwheel to use in the pictures as we have done before... but I forgot. We were already in the car, on the way, late. So I passed on going back.

Jake and I both wore Awareness ribbon pins as well as our BecauseofBRAYDEN bracelets. We also have our tattoo's that represent in a close way. As Jake said he's with us, all around us.

I allowed this to comfort me today as we went on with the shoot. I am so glad we will have these memories to save for years to come. Though it was so hard to be there ... without him.

Chosing to be Thankful

2010-11-25T14:22:00.003-05:00

Today, on Thanksgiving I am filled with such a mix of emotions... It is a day of celebration, a day of family, ... a day of Thanks.

I saw this sign and was both encouraged and challenged.

As we teach our children about this day, and encourage them to think of all the many blessings we have, all the many things we should be thankful for...
And its true. There is Always something to be thankful for. We are so blessed.

Yet the feelings of sadness still come over me. I find it hard as I wake up to be filled with gratitude. There are parts of me that want nothing to do with celebrating with family... when mine is still incomplete. Without him, it feels hard to be family. These kind of get togethers and affairs just don't feel the same... I don't think they ever will again.

Yet, it is a choice I must make. I want Nathaniel and Elliana to realize all the things that we should be thankful for. They need to see in me the gratitude for so much.
We are loved, we are cared for, we are together.
And today, I am reminded that I am blessed.
I will keep my head up, I will enjoy the time I am given.
I will choose to be thankful.

Still stabs like a knife...

2010-11-25T13:55:00.002-05:00

Another day, another wave..
It creeps up out of nowhere.
Just when you least expect it... when things seem to be going "fine".

They say this is to be expected. Grief will always be coming and going like this. It's hard to know what will be the "trigger" at any given moment.

It happened in church... near the end of the service. Response time begins, and the couple in front of us slips out... to return moments later with their children. As the worship team began to sing, I could feel the welt begin in my throat.. Mom, Dad, and a friend or family member took turns holding the little blonde boy... pacifier in his mouth. Swaying back and forth, singing and smiling with the little one... clapping his hands.
Though a smile crept across my face, the knot worked its way down to my stomach.
Why does this have to bother me so much!? It's a beautiful sight to see this family praising and worshiping with their little ones.
The little boy, who appeared to be just about 17 months old--or close to it, was then handed to his father. Who proceeded to pick him up to his chest, then onto his shoulders. Holding his hands to sway and praise.. dancing to the music.

The waves of memories began. The weight of loss grew heavy like a rock. The flashbacks overtook me. As I could no longer hold the tears or bear the pain I ran out of the sanctuary.
I needed to let the tears flow in private. I hated how much this upset me. It hurts so badly and still seems so unfair.
That should be my Brayden. He should be perched up on his daddy's shoulders, on daddy's chest.. dancing away in worship. Oh, how he would light up, how he made all of us smile to see him. Those behind us expected it, the enjoyed him and would talk about his special time of worship.
Jake should be that daddy holding his son, being swayed back and forth from the weight of his boy dancing.
How desperately I miss those moments. What I wouldn't give to experience it again.
More than two years... 70 some odd services later...
It still stabs right to the heart like a knife.

I can only take a deep breath, and think about what the scene in heaven must look like. The endless worship, right at our saviour's feet. The sounds of angels, the singing, the dancing. Brayden must be the hit... in the center of it all... loving every moment.
So though it's hurts so deeply now, I will choose to look up, to look ahead... to keep taking steps forward to the future ahead.
Knowing a day, very soon.. we will be worshiping with him again.

Missing 3

2010-10-09T00:05:00.002-04:00

Today I helped out a friend of mine by watching her son while she took her younger one to the doctor. This particular litte boy is 3 years old. He was born just shy of 3 months after Brayden.
Though its hard and painful sometimes, I love to sit and watch him. How he interacts, what he is learning, how he talks...

Is this what my Brayden would be like?

As I see the kids sitting on the couch together it looks like a picture I should see everyday. Three children sitting together.. 6, 1, and 3.

As I see Nathaniel play with him I imagine how my boys would play. I have to giggle at how they get along as brothers would. The love hate relationship feels so natural and thanie gets annoyed with how he doesn't do things the right way, or follows him to much, etc.

These things I miss.
These things I should be experiencing.
These things I wish I could see... and live.

Today.. I am missing three.
Missing the feeling of having three living children.
Missing what it is like to have a three year old.
Missing my baby boy... who has left such a void in our family
... and an emptiness in my heart.

Accepting Reality

2010-10-04T21:34:00.002-04:00

It has been 3 plus weeks since I went. Tonight I felt a compelling desire to go. It is the weekly bereavement support group, Grief Share. I go for the fellowship, I go for the friendships, I go for the sharing... and I always bring something away with me. Though I have been through each of the 13 lessons, some more than once, I still gain something new or am challenged, encouraged, or suprised by somet'hing new I hear.

So, after weeks of absence, I walk in late tonight and sit right now to jump into this weeks video (which had already begun). Within moments I knew. Of all weeks, of all lessons... WHY did I have to return and be here for This one!?!?

Week #7: Snowstorms of Guilt

I've said it before... I suffer to this day with a huge amount of guilt. I completely blame myself for the accident with Brayden, and know that if I had not done some things I did it would have, could have not happened.

This is an area of my grief that I have locked up with a chain and shoved away. It is painful, it is ugly, its hard. It's avoided.
I feel that I have allowed myself to "move on" in many other ways. New opportunities have begun and we are making strides ahead. Positive steps. I can honestly say now that there are many more happy "OK" days then sad difficult days.

...Until it comes to this one area. And tonight, it hit me smack in the face. Again.

As the movie progressed I could feel my insides churning. I didn't want to believe anything they were saying. They didn't understand MY situation.
I was right and there is no changing my mind.

After the movie we has some discussion.. as we always do. The others began to comment that my body language during the movie showed that there were some things going on. Almost immediately I had tears in my eyes. I felt speechless as the lump filled my throat.
As I began to share my thoughts and feelings on this issue (between the tears) I felt another painful layer being removed. It's amazing how healing it is just to say things out loud.

The others began to affirm my feelings, and validate what I had said and that made me feel good. When it comes to this area I want to be right, I need to be right. That's just the way it is.

Then a dear friend of mine in the group said something that changed everything. She looked at me and said that maybe I just needed to accept what had happened. She continued by agreeing with the things I had said and told me that it's true.. there are things we could have should have done that would have changed the situation.
BUT in order to move on past this area what I needed to consider was reminding myself that yes, though I am GUILTY... I am FORGIVEN.
though I made Mistakes.... I am still loved.

It was exactly what I needed to hear.
I couldn't believe that somone was agreeing with me. Someone was telling me that I can take the blame... yet I can still move on, accept it, and be ok with it.
The feeling that brought me is undescribable.
Accepting the Reality does not mean that I must hate myself forever... or think that others do.
Accepting Reality gives me permission to be ok with what happened, take it for what it is... and begin to move on.
Those steps are happening now. Something positive is coming from this painful and ugly situation. I may not be able to change what happened that dark day, but I can accept it. I will choose to become a better person and touch others lives because of my reality.

A new Hurdle

2010-09-03T00:04:00.004-04:00

They say grief is like waves. I have felt and spoke of this before. Walking along the quiet beach, soaking in the rays and breathing in the fresh air. Things may seem so calm and going well, emotions on low... then WAM! A huge wave comes out of nowhere and knocks you down again.

That's what happened to me yesterday.

It was something I knew would happen. A fact I would need to face.
That all familiar sound.
A Beautiful name.

"Brayden"

As I was working with one of our students in a gen ed first grade class, the teacher called on one of her students, a little boy sitting right in the front row. "Yes, Brayden?"
I turned my head, ... thinking I had misunderstood. Could it be?
It was. I heard it again. As I glance over I saw the name on his desk. Same spelling, same name.
I felt a lump in my throat. Yet a smile crept over my face.
How can anyone have that name?
That was My son's name.
That IS my son's name.

Oh how I love that sweet name. How I love the way it sounds and rings in my ears. How I love to see it written as I walk through the halls.

As we went through our special area activities little Brayden wanted to talk to me every few minutes, he sat right next to me at the lunch table and wanted to stay nearby at recess.
As it was time to head back to our classroom, just before closing the door, Brayden ran to the door and grabed on to my leg, giving me a big hug proclaiming "Bye!!"
I couldn't help but smile.
So many emotions raced through my head... as we began to walk back to class I felt the tears welling up in my eyes, the lump in my throat has moved to my stomach.
I wasen't sure how I felt, what to do with it, or what to say.

Just another wave,
another reality to face,
a new hurdle to overcome.

and I did it.

Just

2010-08-29T12:12:00.003-04:00

Just another day

Just hanging with my family

Just feeling incomplete

Just a little sad

Just wishing for a hug and kiss

Just missing him today...

The Pledge

2010-08-16T22:59:00.004-04:00

We made it through our first Water Safety Day.. I can confidently say that I believe it was a true sucess. The highlight of the day for me was kids safety pledge. We had all the children take a 5 point safety pledge, promising to be safe around the water. They then signed a certificate they were able to take home with them and they also signed a banner for us to keep. It was awesome, emotional, and so exciting to see all the signatures fill the banner. Knowing that these kids are hearing prevention tips and hearing how to make good choices means so much to me. Whether they trash the certificate, or post it proudly on their wall I pray that some of the things they heard will be instilled in their minds.

My Water Safety Pledge

1. Never go near water without an adult.
2. Always swim with a buddy.
3. Wear a life jacket.
4. Read and obey all posted signs and rules.
5. When in trouble call an adult for help.

At the event we also had a Moon bounce and a Dunk Tank. The kids weren't able to participate in those activities until they received a ticket for signing their pledge certificate. They were then asked to state at least one water safety rule. It was so neat to hear them recalling and stating these important points aloud.

I can only pray that we made a difference in the hearts of these children. At the end of the day there were over 40 signatures on our banner. As I looked at it I broke down and began to cry. A good cry, one that is filled with hope that ese kids will remember what they heard and learned and will take one more step in being safe around the water.

...And I believe they will.

Hope

2010-08-15T23:18:00.004-04:00

What a weekend.

I am exhausted. I am sore. I am sunburned.

Yet... I am filled with Hope.

Saturday was the first Water Safety Day. All our hours of planning and hard work had come together and the event was on.

So many volunteers, so much love and support, and families becoming aware.
We had about 150 people at the Water Safety Day. Almost every family recieved a water watcher card, which the adult wears while promising to give 100% undivided attention to children in or near the water. 40 children took the Water Safety Pledge and fun was had by all!

Pepsi Refresh Project- Support ISR!!!

2010-08-02T15:06:00.002-04:00

CLICK HERE to Vote Each Day in August to Help support ISR in offering self rescue swim lessons to 400 children!

Walk to Remember

2010-07-19T00:11:00.011-04:00

It was Sunday morning, July 4, 2010. I woke up bright and early at 5:45am. Got picked up shortly after and headed down to Arlington, Va.

I was about to participate in my first Compassionate Friends Walk to Remember.

The 33rd TCF National Conference took place in our old neck of the woods this year, just a stone throw from D.C. While making a trip to Md to visit with friends and family I was able to participate in this very special part of the conference.

The 11th annual walk to remember was participated by an estimated 1400+ people this year. It was humbling to be among them.

Far as you could see down the 2 miles stretch there were a stream of white shirts... hundreds of people gathered together to participate.

One of my most special lifelong friends came along to be by my side as we walked in memory of those lost too soon. Sarah and I have been through many tough moments together. We've shared many laughs, and many tears. Through thick and thin she is one of the few I know I can call and count on for anything. Though miles now seperate us, and time lapses between visits, Sarah is one of those friends that you just pick right back up where you left off. I can't imagine having anyone else with me for this event and I am so thankful she was there.

The walk is a 2 mile walk for bereaved parents, grandparents, friends and relatives to remember those children who were taken from us far too soon. It is a place where we all share such an amazing common bond and feel like a unique type of family. Not many words need to be spoken and no questions are asked when things may seem odd. Tears are welcomed and expected yet there is joy and laughter in the midst of the sadness.

Many carried signs from their local Compassionate Friends chapter with photos of all their children, lost too soon. Volunteers also carried names of children for those who could not physically attend the walk. An estimated 10,000 names were carried in memory.

A lovely "cheese" self portrait as we stopped by a beautiful fountain for a short break.

As I walked, I carried my cuddly blue "Brayden Bear" with me, which brought me such comfort as it always does. Though it hurt to see his name written on paper, I wore it on my back proudly. Its a special feeling to validate his life. There's nothing more important to a bereaved parent then knowing their child is being remembered, and their life being celebrated.

One of the highlights from the weekend was a very special meeting. After months of contact via email and online chat, I was able to meet a good friend Janet. It was great to finally give her a hug and be able to speak face to face. She is the amazingly creative woman who began Joe's Memory Bears and created my incredible, well loved Brayden Bears!

Janet, who also lost her son to a drowning accident, has been a big encouragement to me over the months and years since loosing Brayden. I am so thankful for the special part she plays in my life! Thank you Janet for everything!

Me, My favorite Brayden Bear, Janet, and her husband Dave

Lost Love.. Reclaimed

2010-07-17T15:49:00.009-04:00

I love to swim. Always have. Pools, Beaches, Lakes, swim teams, water parks... they were all a big part of my childhood. Swimming laps is by far my choice and favorite form of excersize. We overjoyed to move 30 minutes from the beach. The chance to raise our children and grow up around the water was almost a dream come true.
...Until that dream, that love was shattered.
I convinced myself that I would never be able to enjoy swimming again. I felt robbed and cheated of something I love so much. It has been 2 years since I have been in a pool.

Over the 4th of July Holiday we made a trip up to Md to see my inlaws, lots of family and friends. It was a very nice time of visiting, relaxing, and catching up. On Monday, we were invited to go out to my sister-in-law's house so all the kids could play. My brother-in-law's uncle lives close by to them and has a really nice in-ground pool. We were invited to join them in going swimming.

...on a beautiful peice of property with a gorgeous view I might add!

At first I was very apprehensive about the idea and wasen't sure if we should. Yet, both the kids just finished their self-rescue swimming lessons with ISR, which I knew would give me some confidence and more peace of mind. We have talked about going swimming together, as a family for months (possible a year) Yet it has not happened.

This past Mother's Day, along with our friends from small group, we went swimming at a community pool. The kids has not taken lessons yet, and it was to be the first time in a "big pool!" I was a nervous wreck about it and could not get myself to get in. So behind the lens of my camera I hid myself, using that as my excuse for not getting in. It was hard to see them swimming, yet I was so thankful they were having such a good time.

Back to Md... I knew I needed to make the plunge. I knew it was time. I wanted to swim, I needed to swim, and this was to be a huge positive healing step for my family. So, I said yes, and we went.

We swam, we laughed, we photographed, and we genuinly had a really good time.

Thanie was such a little fish!! He had a blast and absolutely loved the pool.. and making big splashes jumping in over, and over, ...

Ellie loved it too after playing on the steps for a bit. Especially loved this big raft!

I had a great time.

We swam, in a pool, together, ... and enjoyed ourselves.

"Peek-a-Boo!"

God is good.

Though I can't say that I didn't have thoughts, that the guilt didn't creep into my mind. I couldn't help but question how we could possibly be having fun doing something that is so closely related to the death of my precious baby boy. Was it wrong to find joy in something so painful?

Yet by HIS strength, I was put at peace. The story was not finished yet... and my God, the God of all Comfort is in the business of overcoming fears, offering Hope, and giving beauty for ashes.

Restoration.

Thanie showing off his new skills (;

"Cheese!" Lil Miss doing a lil sun bathing like her aunt Jessica !

We have not "arrived." We will never be "over it." But we are moving forward a step at a time, making strides and continuing through the journey. Reclaiming the love of swimming that always meant so much to me. Being made whole and receiving healing beyond what we could have ever imagined.

"Those who sow in tears, will reap Joy."

God's Timing

2010-07-14T22:57:00.004-04:00

This past week has been a bit ...surreal.
It all started with an email I got notifying me of a contact through the Because of B.R.A.Y.D.E.N. website. I have gotten a few of those and most are spam or advertisers looking for money so I expected this would be just another one to disregard. The message simply stated, Call me asap with a phone number. I thought it was awfully strange. I looked at the name and the email address. It was a Post and Courier email.... and I began to think. Wow, Could this really be someone from our Charleston Newspaper?!? Is someone contacting me to write a story? It was a bit overwhelming and emotional and I didn't know what to think.

I received the message over the Holiday weekend so I was not surprised to get a voicemail when I called the number. Sure enough it was a reporter from our newspaper. I left a message and gave my number, hoping to hear back soon. On Tuesday I got the call again. It was David. He indeed wanted to know if we would be willing to share our story for an article he was writing on water safety. We talked for quite awhile and I had the opportunity not only to share our story, but to share about Because of B.R.A.Y.D.E.N. and all the exciting things that were happening.
It was almost too good to be true.
We didn't ask for this. We didn't go seeking out anyone. The opportunity just fell into our lap. An amazing opportunity to share our story and spread the word about water safety and the Water Safety Day just a month away.
The article came out yesterday, in the Your Health section of the Post and Courier Charleston paper. CLICK HERE to read the article! I am so incredible pleased at how well it was written. When I picked up the paper and read it in black and white, it hit hard. I was filled with emotions as the raw truth and pain of what we went through was in front of me. It was like reliving that day all over again. It was like putting my mistakes, my faults out there...Printed for all to see. Yet there was hope, beauty from Ashes portrayed as the story unfolded. Now, two years after such a tragic event, we are here. Starting a non profit, advocating for water safety, sharing our story of healing and restoration to bring others hope, planning our first event, and even swimming again.
My prayer is that it blesses someone else. My hearts desire is that even one life might be saved by hearing our story. I am in awe and humbled by the whole thing.
God's Timing never ceases to amaze me.
He truly does have all things worked out for the good, and I am believing more and more that the rest of our story is going to be more than we could ever ask or imagine.
It is not about me. It is not even about Brayden.
It is about the healing work that God has done through us and the opportunity that has been placed in front of us.
It just takes a step of faith.
It takes obedience.
It takes strength that only comes from above.
And I am so thankful.
Thankful for the lives that will be touched.
Thankful for the doors that are being opened.
Thankful for God's Timing.

"And now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine,

according to His power that is at work within us. To Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. "

Ephesians 3:20-21

What are you waiting for?

2010-06-13T00:07:00.003-04:00

Over the past few weeks this song as begun to mean so much to me. As I was contiplating in my mind the ideas we had for advocacy and the non-profit, I found myself full of fear and doubt. I knew in my heart that this was something I truly felt a calling to do my I allowed my guilt, shame and insecurities to get in the way.
One morning, just after the evening my sister and I began putting our thoughts and ideas together and on paper, I heard this song come on the radio. I know I had heard it numerous times before... but this time was different. I heard it like I never had before, I heard it loud and clear. "What are you waiting for? What do you have to lose? "
It's so true... what was I waiting for? I have already lost the most important thing, my son... now I need to get out and make a difference so that others don't have to suffer that same loss.
"You know your made for more..." God has promised to work all things to the good... I know that he has more for me, better things, He can, and will use me to make a difference.
As I step out in faith, trust Him and lean on His strength I do believe my fear will fall to the ground, that my insecurities will fade away. I'm stepping out, though I'm broken, though I'm not sure what lies ahead, I'm trusting in the promise that "He will not let me go."

"I CAN do All things through Christ who strengthen's me. " "Lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him... and He will guide your path"
The prayer of my heart is that God will open the doors He has for us. That lives will be touched, and saved, and that through my pain He will bring out something good.

I wanted to share the lyrics of the song for you... Hope they bless you as they have and continue to speak to me.

Walk on the Water
By Britt Nicole

You look around and staring back at you
Another wave of doubt
Will it pull you under
You wonder
What if I'm overtaken
What if I never make it
What if no one's there
Will you hear my prayer?
When you take that first step
Into the unknown
You know that he won't let you go

So what are you waiting for
What do you have to lose
Your insecurities
They try to hold to you
But you know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes
And you can walk on the water too

So get out and let your fear fall to the ground
No time to waste, don't wait
And don't you turn around, and miss out on
Everything you were made for
Gotta be, I know you're not sure, more
So you play it safe, you try to run away
If you take that first step
Into the unknown
He won't let you go

So what are you waiting for
What do you have to lose
Your insecurities
They try to hold to you
But you know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes
And you can walk on the water too

Step out, even when it's storming
Step out, even when you're broken
Step out, even when your heart is telling you,
Telling you to give up
Step out, when your hope is stolen
Step out, you can't see where you're going
You don't have to be afraid
So what are waiting, what are you waiting for

So what are you waiting for
What do you have to lose
Your insecurities
They try to hold to you
But you know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes
And you can walk on the water,
Walk on the water too

Angelversary Balloons for Brayden

2010-06-09T08:47:00.009-04:00

This year, for Brayden's 2nd "Angelversary" we deicded to go to a local park. The whole SC family came along on a hot yet windy Sunday evening for our traditional Balloon Release.

Big Brother, Nathaniel, always enjoys helping and being a part of the releases. The balloons have become special to him and he often will 'send his balloon to Brayden' with a hug and kiss throughout the year.
As we have done in the past, we wrote messages on the balloons to Brayden, saying how much we love and miss him.

This year was extra special as the kids were all older and participated more than usual. Nathaniel and Paulie both enjoyed decorating their balloon and Nathaniel wrote special messages to his lil brother. Even Elliana, with Nana's help, decorated a balloon to send up.

A dear friend (and adopted family member) wrote a special message for us to use for the balloon release. It is our hope that others who find the balloons will be blessed and may read about the story of Brayden.

As we honor and remember Brayden's life, it is a day of celebration and smiles. Though there are tears, there is also laughter and joy.

Each on of us took the time to send up our balloons to Brayden, and watched as they flew up to the sky...

It offers a sweet comfort as we take a tangible item, as the balloon, and release it up to Heaven. Though we may never know what Heaven is like until we get there, we chose to believe that Brayden is there, looking down on us. We ask that Jesus will give him special hugs and kisses for us and "collect the balloons" for Brayden, sharing our special messages with him, on this special day.

Those who are not close by to be with us, are often with us in Spirit. We wrote messages and sent up special balloons for friends and family members from around the world.

Papa and Gramma sent us this beautiful bouquet of flowers this year to remind us that they hold us close in their hearts and are thinking about all of us this day. It was such a sweet suprise and brought us a smile as we thought of them and looked at the flowers that brightened up our living room.

Brayden, you are missed and loved so much. We chose to celebrate you, and all the wonderful moments we had with you. Can't wait till the day when we will see you and hold you again.

We love you!!!

Something to Smile about...

2010-06-06T23:51:00.003-04:00

We never checked the mailbox yesterday... so as I opened it up to get the mail today, a smile crept across my face.

I made a decision a little over a week ago to take a step of faith...

and God ordained and chose this day for me to open this very special, important piece of mail.

Our family is growing again!!

...and NO! I am NOT pregnant!! :)

Meet Diluni!!!!

Diluni lives with her Mommy and Daddy in Sri Lanka, and is our new sponsored child. There are many things that make sweet Diluni special, but most of all it is a very special day that she shares with another very special someone.

Diluni was born on January 5, 2007, the very same day that Brayden was born.

We are so excited to be a part of lil Diluni's life and watch her grow. We will be praying for her, writing to her, and helping to support her physical, emotional, educational and spiritual needs.

I am so blessed to be able to allow God to use us to touch another life.

We are not quite sure how we are going to be able to do this financially but we know that God will make a way. It has been on my heart for some time to sponsor a child born this day and I believe this is a step in obedience and trust that I need to take.

Please join us in praying for sweet little Diluni, and for us as well that God will continue to provide for us financially, and will use us in the life of this precious child and her family... so many miles away.

"Jesus said, ...whomever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me." Matthew 18:5

Looking Up in this Downpour...

2010-06-06T23:21:00.002-04:00

Today has been another one of those days...
We have made it through, but feel drained, and blah.

It feels like a beating, a downpour...

Yet I am encouraged, I feel loved, and blessed,
and I know we can keep going on.

I find the strength in Him to look Up in this Downpour...
To stand strong, though I feel so weak,
Knowing so many are here to help carry me.

I am blessed.

One moment at a time, one step in front of the other, one deep breath as we walk together...
The journey contines...
Our story is not over.

"In the midst of my anxieties within me, your comforts delight my soul." Psalm 94:19

"Those who sow in tears, will reap with joy." Psalm 126:5

"And we know that in ALL things God works for the Good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

Found this poem and it really spoke to how my heart feels today...

Just one little peek into heaven,
Is all I'm asking for today.
I just want to know how he's doing,
And heaven seems so far away.
Is he playing on the clouds with angels?
Is he laughing and running today?
Does he miss me?
I guess only he knows.
Oh why does heaven seem so far away?
If you just let me look for a moment,
To catch a glimpse of his sweet smiling face,
I promise I won't try to take him,
I know, he's in a better place.
Just one little peek into heaven,
Is all I'm asking for today.
I just want to know how he's doing,
Since heaven seems so far away...
-Callie Sanders Thornton

Missing you so much today baby boy... but knowing you rest in the arms of Jesus and are celebrating with so many loved ones who join you there. Asking Jesus to give you big hugs and kisses for Mommy tonight. Sending extra for this, your Heaven Day.
I love you more than you will ever know, I love you more than words can say. Can't wait until that day when we will be together again.
Sweet Baby... Let Jesus Hold you... till Mom and Dad can hold you... again.

2 years...

2010-06-05T23:46:00.002-04:00

Two long years... that flew by way to fast.
I still can't hardly wrap my head around the facts.
I still can't believe what this day means.

How can it be?
How can I have made it this long...
It's getting harder to remember... yet I will never forget.

Oh I wish Elliana could know him.
So many things he has missed...
Life is so incomplete without him.

My heart still hurts so badly
My arms to ache to hold him close.

so many questions unanswered
so many unfulfilled dreams...

But, Life is getting better...
there are many more happy days now.
A new hope, and new vision drives me some how.
I'm determined to see something positive
come from all this heartache and pain.
I refuse to let nothing good come from this tragedy.

The tears still run freely
they come from the depth of my soul.
Yet, not near as often as they used to...

I just can't believe it's been two years
feels just like yesterday
yet it was an eternity ago

Each day I count my blessings
the many gifts I still hold here on earth
May I never take these precious moments for granted
but keep them close in my heart

I choose to keep moving on
One step at a time
A prayer for each moment
strength, comfort, and peace from above

For I know He's not finished with me yet.

Banded in Blue!!!

2010-05-29T13:13:00.002-04:00

So excited, our Drowning Awareness wrist bands arrived!!

We will be selling these for $5 each.

The bands are blue and say DROWNING AWARENESS on one side and BecauseofBRAYDEN.org on the other.

All procedes will go to becauseofBRAYDEN to promote Water Safety, fund scholarships for self rescue swimming lessons, aid in bringing more ISR self rescue instructors to the lowcountry, and create educational materials to spread the word and help prevent Drownings.

Please contact me at becauseofbrayden@gmail.com if you would like to purchase.

We are still working on the website but plan to have something up this weekend. We will also eventually have a donate button and a place to purchase the wrist bands on the site and here on this blog.

Thank you everyone for your support, encouragement and most of all prayers as we set out to change lives, promote water safety, and see that not one more child drowns.

Reality

2010-05-26T00:10:00.003-04:00

So.. reality hit tonight as I ripped open the fed ex package I picked up. I opened the bag (then another, and finally another!) to reveal some very special bracelets. Our Because of BRAYDEN wrist bands. It is our first fundraiser for the Water Safety Charity. We will be sellling them for $5 each to raise money for self rescue lesson scholarships as well as training for future ISR instructors.

I don't know if it was seeing his name, knowing the meaning, or reading the words, "Drowning Awareness". But a flood of emotions hit as I placed the bracelet on my wrist.
This really is going to happen. We are going to make this happen.
Thia is what we have been waiting for...
The positive from the pain.
The Good in such a tragedy.

Lives will be saved, eyes will be opened, and awareness will spread.

I'm so excited avout this opportuinity and the great things that lie ahead.
Hopes, Dreams, thoughts.....
Reality.

Sneak Peak...

2010-05-16T00:08:00.002-04:00

OK.. so I have been trying to hold off blogging, facebooking, or saying anything much about this... but I just can't hold it in. All day my head has been spinning with ideas and I have searched, and read, and googled till my head hurts.

Thanks to the encouragment and partnership of my wonderful sister, Lauren, we are starting a non-profit!!!

She has wanted to "do" something for quite sometime now. And me? well, we all know that I have been tossing things around for a year... unsure of which way to go and what to do.

Since beginning Elliana's self-rescue swim lessons there has been quite a change in me. A new stirring in my heart and a new perspective on things.

I feel the tug more and more to begin to do something along the lines of Advocacy. So many peaole just don't know. I know I am not alone in the blindness I had to so many things.

I want to spread the word. I want to make a difference. I want to fill a need. I want to raise awareness. I want to be apart of saving lives.
So... the dream is becoming a reality...

"Because of BRAYDEN"...
Building Resources and Awareness of Youth Drownings through Encouragement and Networking!

We are only in the very early stages of Dreaming, planning, hoping and gathering... but there are some awesome things in the works. We are creating a website and beginning to make contacts and look forward to sharing more plans soon!
Please partner with us and keep us in Prayer that we will have strength, clarity and open doors to do what we need and are supose to do with this dream.

Lots more to come...

Broken... but not without Hope

2010-05-16T00:01:00.003-04:00

1 Peter 5:10
"This suffering won't last forever. It won'y be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ--- eternal and glorious plans they are!--- will have you put together and on your feet for good." (The Message)

Wow. About all I could say after reading this verse. I LOVE, LOVE this version of it too. Such Hope. How encouraging. Though I feel so broken and scattered... there is Hope for me. My God promises to put my peices back together! And for Good! Pretty Amazing.
Looking forward to the unfolding of His plan and the good he will bring to completion in me.
Thankful. Blessed. Encouraged.

Hope you are too.

Post 100...

2010-05-08T16:43:00.003-04:00

I started blogging more regularly in Oct. 2008. That was 19 months ago.

It was a new venture for me... a way to journal out my thoughts and feelings, to express my hurts and my struggles. It was also a way for me to celebrate the memories. To talk about my precious Brayden and share the ways he has impacted our life.

I never imagined anyone would read my blog. I didn't consider that people would be interested in my writings.
I had no idea how much it would help in my healing and grief journey to blog.

Yet here we are... May of 2010. This is my 100th post.

I have friends, family, and even unmet strangers (I now consider friends!) who tell me they are encouraged by my writing. That our story has touched them as well.

I have people who "follow" my blog and check in to see the latest post.

That means a lot to me.

It's encouraging more than words could say to know that there is beauty in the midst of pain. That through my suffering, others have been blessed.

I pray that this continues... I pray that my story, my life, my pain.. will be used for God's glory and that he will bring it all together for the good.

I am so thankful for the opportunities to reach out. To speak encouragement, and to celebrate the bits of healing along this journey.

Thank you all for sharing this part of my journey with me.

Seventeen Months and One Day...

2010-05-05T22:33:00.002-04:00

Today Elliana is seventeen months and one day old.
Brayden was seventeen months and one day old the day that he died.
The anticipation of this day has been so difficult. The ache in my heart has been unbearable at times and many tears have been shed.

Today has come ... and almost gone.

We took of work today and made the decision to spend it together, as a family. I knew that I would not be able to leave Elliana today. I just needed to be with her, to have her near me.

Suprising to me... the hardest part of today was bedtime.
Saying goodbye to this day.
Knowing it's over.
Tomorrow, Elliana will be seventeen months and two days old.
Tomorrow, She will be older than Brayden ever got to be.
Elliana will continue to grow older, to experience new things... there will be moments we never had with Brayden, new experiences that never came.
It seems hard to know how to go on.
Part of me feels frozen. That time should just stand still.

I wanted so badly to skip her ISR lesson today. The thought of putting her in a pool, even in water, today, seemed impossible. My mind flooded with emotion filled thoughts and I felt my self becoming anxious ... over nothing.
I soon realized that of all things to do, this was one of the greatest things I can do for Ellie. Teaching her these life saving self rescue techniques is going to impact her for life. This day would never have come.. would not be so difficult, had I known about these lessons before.
So we went... I made it through.
With support of awesome friends and family who stood beside me I was able to celebrate with Ellie's accomplishments in the water. She is learning and trying and doing so well. I am so proud of her.
Moving forward. Positive steps. Facing fears. TRUSTING.

So as I went to tuck in my sweet little girl tonight, I found myself not wanting to let go. I held her close, rocked her gently, and prayed over her.
I thanked God for her, as I do daily. I asked God to bless her with many many more days. I asked for the strength to allow her to grow.
Protection, Safety, Health, Comfort, and Peace.
I asked for renewed Joy.

I feel as though another chapter is over. A new part of the journey now begins. Yet, I'm not sure where to go from here...

Lord, let me never take even one moment for granted. Give me the courage and the strength to trust you. Allow me to love Elliana and care for her for years and years to come. Bless me with the knowledge and discernment to make the decisions I need to make to help her grow and mature.
Make me the Mother to her and Nathaniel that you want me to be. Help me to love them as you do. Thank you for these precious gifts.
Remind me not to lean on my own understanding.. but in all my ways look to you.

Heart Tugs

2010-04-23T21:33:00.002-04:00

I've mentioned before that I am really at a point where I want... and need to start doing something. I feel that urge to begin making a difference.
Since the accident we have said it, felt it, and claimed that something GOOD was going to come from all this.
I am ready to see that come to pass. The tug at my heart is growing and more frequent.
Just knowing that my story can touch, encourage or help someone else means so much.
It is hard to know what the right thing is for me to do. What is it I am supose to do? There are several avenues I feel I could go.

My heart is truly for the support. I am a believer in Counseling, I am a believer in support groups. There is nothing like being with others who understand, who are experienceing similar hurts. I validates your feelings, it makes you feel less alone... down this hard journey.
I still desire so much to start a group for parents who have lost young children. I love my monthly support group but it just isn't quite enough. I want to be able to relate to others on a deeper level.

In the last few weeks we have been working really hard with Nathaniel. He has started opening up and talking quite a bit. I feel that he is ready to talk. He remembers everything. It has been confirmed through several people that he is a very anxious little boy. He is sad, confused, worried, and hurting. He misses his little brother.
That is so hard for me. There is nothing like seeing one of your children hurting, ...and not be able to do anything to 'fix' it.
He is back to going too weekly counseling and it seems to be helping. He has started opening up to her and is able to express himself better. He has also had a really great week in school, which we have not seen in awhile.
We know that the best thing for Nathaniel would be intense group grief therapy. I have lokked, and called, and researched, and looked... and found Nothing! In the whole state of South Carolina... there does not seem to be a single bereavement group for children.
This hurts my heart. More recently, it angers me.
What an incredible need that is not being filled! Each and every day their are children who loose close loved ones and are hurting and grieving... just as adults do.
Just like us they need to know they are not alone. They need to be free to share their feelings and have a place to talk when they need to.
Each time I meet someone or hear another story of loss, leaving children... the heart tugs begin again. I am beginning to feel more and more that this is what I need to get started right away... a group for children.
My real desire would be to have an adult group going on at the same time for parents/caregivers and to also have age appropirate groups (younger and older)
When I start thinking about all this my mind gets flooded with ideas. There are so many things we could do... so many kids we could be reaching. It is truly a passion.

The third avenue for me is advocacy. This area has always been in the back of my mind somewhere.. but is the most difficult for me to think about. I think this comes from the guilt and shame that I still feel about the accident. The thought of being able to educate and help prevent other similar accidents would be great. There is a definate need for people to better understand the dangers with children and water. There are programs and other things in place, that people just do not know about.
I would love to be able to be used in this area. I have been in touch with SafeKids of Charleston and do hope that one day we will be able to meet and discuss ways for me to become involved.
I just know it's not going to be easy.

I often sit and doubt myself. Am I ready? Am I skilled enough? Can I communicate well enough to really make a difference? Would I be able to hold together my emotions and not transfer my pain and hurts onto others but instead be able to help, encourage and educate?
Do I even want others to know my story?...

I take a deep breath. I say a little prayer. God, give me the strength to make it through. Give me the passion to touch others. Open the doors that you want me to walk through. Help me to be sensitive to the things that I can do to make a difference in others.
I am reminded of the story of Moses and Aaron in Exodus 3-4.
He felt so inadequate... yet God used him in such a mighty way. God asked Moses, "What is in your hand?" In the midst of his doubt he didn't stop to think that God has already provided what he needed.
I know that God too, has given me what I need. I pray for the confidence and strenth to walk in it. To use what I have been given... to touch the lives of others. I feel God leading me saying, All I need is you.. and an open heart. "What is in your (hands) heart? What are the things I have gifted you with? Go, Use them... Make your mark... touch others.

Use me... make good come from such a difficult and painful situation.

Peices of him...

2010-04-14T22:09:00.003-04:00

My heart is heavy tonight... the tears are flowing...It's one of those.

Once again, I know that I am probably making things worse, or harder for myself. It's amazing how much your thoughts can eat at you!
Missing him to badly tonight.

My heart aches as I sit and cuddle with Elliana. She was walking over to me, laying her head on my shoulder to give me a cuddle hug, then hoping right back down again.
Just like Brayden always did.

I've said it before... there are so many little peices of Brayden in Elliana. Her looks, her demeanor, her dramactics!, her cuddles...
It's such a blessing.
But sometimes it hurts..
Watching her tonight cut like a knife... to my heart.

I caught myself several times just picturing him. Trying to remember all the little things he did and said. Wanting to compare and decide, was Brayden this tall? or taller? Was he this talkitive and smart? Did he smile this way? Could he figure things out so quickly like that?

May 4th.
Elliana will be 17 months old.
May 5th
Elliana will be 17 months and 1 day old. The exact age Brayden was the day he died.
May 6th
Elliana will be older than Brayden ever was... this side of heaven.

Been thinking about this alot lately. Tonight it just hit me really hard. Starring at Elliana, watching her every move. Wanting so badly to remember every little thing about Brayden... this very age.
Holding her.
Remembering how he felt.
Kissing her forhead.
Picturing his adorable face looking up at me... dropping his face for a kiss on the forehead.
Remembering his waddle over to me on the couch to simply give me a quick hug.
...so much like the ones I'm recieving from Ellie tonight.

How can she be His age? How can she get older? What do we do from here?
How a part of me wishes we could just freeze time.
What I wouldn't give to go back in time!
Thinking about whats ahead. About all the things we will experience with Elliana that we missed out on with Brayden.
Not even wanting to go on...

Man how I miss him...
How I wish it still didn't hurt so bad
Wishing my heart would stop aching...

Wishing like Hell I could just have one more...

There could never be enough.

I miss you
I love you
...... My sweet baby boy...

Facing my Fears

2010-04-11T23:19:00.002-04:00

"I gain strength, courage and confidence from every experience
in which I really stop to look fear in the face.
I must do the thing I cannot do."
~Eleanor Rossevelt

Another sweet blogger Mom I have begun to follow wrote an incredible post HERE about her sweet JaLaynee Grace. It spoke volumes and I can relate to so much of what she wrote.

It is so true that when we voice our fears, we can begin healing. I also have such a fear of anything to do with swimming. Even bathing is still difficult for me. I am terrified to turn my head from the kids. Nathaniel enjoys "swimming" in the tub, blowing bubbles, putting his face, head in water.. and all of it is hard for me to see. deal with. Ellie uses a seat, but even that is slippery. She wants to be out. To be sitting up playing with toys, etc. and I can't bear the thought of having her out of it. I hate to even let me hand off her while in the tub.
Last summer somehow came and went... I think I was still in a fog. But this year the warm weather is here and summer is fast approaching.
Nathaniel is older, smarter.. faster
Elliana is now walking, into everything, and all over the place.
Our friends have pools, our babysitter goes to her neighborhood pool frequently, water parks will be open, ...
Pools, Oceans, Water... it's everywhere.

I have such a fear and undesire to ever swim again.
Yet, Swimming was such a part of my life.. I was born at the beach. I was in lessons at a very young age and on swim teams throughout my early life.
It's my favorite form of exercise, relazation, and fun.

Until...
The thing that I worry most about is Elliana.
The thought of her swimming, is freightening.

So, to face this fear, I have signed her up with a Program called Infant Swimming Resource ISR. This is a very intense, and thorough program that teaches self- rescue tecniques to infants from 6 months old. Through the short, consistant lessons, Elliana will learn to float on her back, grab onto the wall, kick and swim with her face in the water, rolling over as needed to breath/break.. and get herself to the wall, ...
I can only imagine how difficult this will be for me. It is like facing my fear dead on.
Yet, I know it is what I need. I know it is what Elliana needs. Knowing that Ellie has these self rescue skills will help give me a little peace of mind when it comes to her in water.

What I wouldn't give to go back in time... to give Brayden these important skills... he would still be with us here today.

We have decided that because of Nathaniel's age and size and skill level, he will do well with traditional lessons at the local YMCA and we are going to have him signed up early on this summer.
So.. Elliana is all registerd and signed up. Lessons will be each day Mon- Friday for about 3-4 weeks. Due to their intensity the lessons are only 10 minutes each.
I recieved her shirt and swim diaper in the mail. It's sitting on the table and I keep walking past just looking at them. The reality is beginning to hit that she will soon be in the water, in a pool, learning to swim.
It's exciting, and nerve wrecking at the same time. I want so badly to do this. I know that I do not have to do this alone, and I am so thankful for that. I stand in confidence knowing that my God will fill me with His strength, and his peace... and I will choose to remember that I CAN do all things through HIM who gives me the strength.
The time has come to face this fear... to do the thing I cannot do.

For God hath not given us a spirit of fear,
but of power and of love and of sound mind.
II Timothy 1:7

Just be here...

2010-04-07T23:58:00.001-04:00

Don’t Tell Me

Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don’t tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don’t tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
And speak to me his name.
Do help me remember the good times,
And even the crazy, hard moments too.
Remind me he will never be forgotten,
And that he will always be alive in our hearts.

My virtual Walk to Remember

2010-04-07T23:03:00.004-04:00

The Compassionate Friends (TCF) is a support group for bereaved parents. This international group touches the lives of thousands each year who are going through one of the most difficult trials ever faced. Compassionate Friends has been one of the most encouraging and important parts of my grief Journey. I have been attending monthly meetings since July 2008, made wonderful friendships, been lifted up, validated, supported, and loved by this group and I am so thankful for them.
Each year, TCF has a national conference. I hope and pray that I will be able to attend this year in Arlington, VA in July. As part of the conference all of the families take part in a Walk to Remember in honor of our children... and all the children, lost too soon. For those who cannot be apart of the walk in person they have also set up a virtual Walk to Remember as a way to raise money for this wonderful organization. To show my support to The Compassionate Friends, and do my part in giving back; I am raising money to help reach many more needy parents and families who are hurting and lonely. Click HERE to go to our personal site in Honor and Memory of Brayden. Any and every gift helps, and will make a difference in the life of someone... just as I am a life who has been touched.
Please visit the site if you wish and consider giving, even a little to help this great need.
Thank you!
Michelle
Brayden's Mommy

Remembrance

2010-03-25T18:21:00.001-04:00

You can shed tears that he is gone,
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
or you can be full of the love your shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he's gone,
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
or you can do what he'd want.

Forgiving Myself

2010-03-24T23:35:00.003-04:00

This post is Honest.
This post is transparent.
This post is Hard...
This post is real.

There are some things Heavy on my heart.. things I've been ~~dealing~~ Not dealing with since Brayden's accident.

One word says it all; Guilt. In my heart, I take FULL responsibility for Brayden's accident. I know that if I were here, Brayden would also still be here today.
So often people say, "It was just an accident" and as Christians, we are 'encouraged' that It' must have been his time'. 'it was God's plan...' It is so hard for me to accept that, I don't think I ever will.

I left Jake, knowing how sick and out of it he was. (and knowing how crazy and all over the place the boys had been that day)
When frustrated with the childproof handle cover, I riped it off, and didn't put t back on.
I didn't speak up about the ladder being left in the pool.. even after discussing the importance of it so many times before.

I could loose myself easily in the land of "if only..."

People have asked me about anger. Am I angry with God? Am I angry with Jake? Do I blame them?
The answer has always been NO. I am not sure why, except that I put it all on myself.
I truly do not blame Jake, or Nathaniel, ... or even God.
I do have LOTS of questions, and may never know the Why's.

Someone said to me, ... If you don't feel that they deserve to be blammed, them why do you deserve it?
That spoke so much to me.
Why do I deserve all the blame? I hadn't quite thought of it quite that way before. There are so many built up feelings and emotions that I just don't know what to do with them. Instead of just putting them all on myself... why not take the time to uncover them, to deal with them, and heal them.
That takes time. That is painful. That is embarrasing. That is hard.
But I need to remind myself that I am not alone.
That it is not by My strength...

Another women, who I met while attending a weekly Christian based support group, that I am so thankful I have found!, gave me a few verses of encouragement.

Isaiah 55:8-9 (New International Version)

8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

I was also encouraged when reminded that Gods forgivness and mercies are new every morning.
He Loves me. ...so much so that he sent His son. God knows the pain of loosing a child, of seeing his son, suffer and die.

If He loves me that much..
Why can't I love myself... and allow myself to let go of the selfishness and the guilt and pain.

I want to choose every day to remember these things. To stand on the fact that God's ways are greater than my ways. To take heart in the knowledge that He does love me, and forgives me each day.

Brayden was given to me as a precious gift...
He was mine to borrow... for just a little while.
He touched my life, my heart in such a huge way... and I know others too.

I just never imagined I'd have to give him back... this side of Heaven.
I will never have all the answers...

But I can learn to Forgive myself,
to Love myself... as He does.

God give me the strength...

Elephant

2010-03-24T23:30:00.002-04:00

The Elephant In The Room
by Terry Katterling

There's an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.
Yet we squeeze by with *How are you?* and *I'm fine*.
And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.

We talk about the weather.
We talk about work.
We talk about everything else - except the elephant in the room.
There's an elephant in the room.

We all know it is there.
We are all thinking about the elephant as we talk.
It is constantly on our minds.
For you see, it is a very large elephant.

But, we do not talk about the elephant in the room.
Oh, please, say his name.
Oh, please, say *Brayden* again.
Oh, please, let's talk about the elephant in the room.

For if we talk about his death, perhaps we can talk about his life.
Can I say *Brayden* and not have you look away?
For, if I cannot, you are leaving me
Alone.......in a room......with an elephant.....

Thoughts of You

2010-02-17T22:41:00.000-05:00

I though of you with love today,
but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday,
and days before that too.
I think of you in silence,
I often speak your name.
All I have are memories,
and a picture in a frame.
Your memory is my keepsake,
with which I'll never part.
God has you in His keeping,
I have you in my heart.

~Anonymous

Protecting His Memory

2010-02-15T21:08:00.003-05:00

Found this quote and loved it. Could not have said it better, don't think it requires much explaination. I want so badly to protect Brayden's Memory, to keep him alive in our family, especially for Nathaniel. I want Elliana to know her big brother, and for him to live on in our hearts. I want to be sure that the world never forgets....

Acceptance... and Letting Go

2010-02-15T15:16:00.007-05:00

Acceptance.

Such a Huge word. Such a Huge undertaking.

Having a hard time swallowing that thought lately.

I know what has happened, I believe what has happened (most days); but when does the time come when I can allow myself to accept it?

Brayden is not here anymore. There's no room to clean up, little one to comfort, dress or settle down. A mouth is missing to feed, and only 2 car seats sit in my van. Brayden is gone. He's not coming back. So why do I have such a hard time with the accepting part. It's sounds so much easier than it is.
I've come to realize myself that, Accepting the loss of Brayden means admitting that this was (is) part of God's plan.
And I'm not ready to believe that.

How could the God of love, God of peace and comfort, want this for me? How could this painful, tragic, impossible feeling situation be apart of His plan?

I know that God has been speaking to my heart so much lately about what's next. I believe that the prompting I feel to make more good come from this situation is from Him. I want more than anything to know what the end of this story is. I desire to see others blessed and lives changed through our story. It's so hard not having clear answers. Not knowing what that next step is.

Pastor spoke at church this weekend on this same topic. It spoke straight to my soul. I do believe the promises that, "He who began a good work.. will bring it to completion."
I know that there must be a reason that we are still here... and he is not.

Not being able to see what's ahead has caused me to doubt. I've found myself frustrated and stressed and being overcome with the things around me.

I haven't Let Go.
I felt so clearly the other night that God said to me that I had not truly given it all over to Him.
The pain, the hurt, the anger, the confusion, the emptiness, the questions....
I'm still holding on.

But how do I let go?! Why is so hard to just lay it all down? Why do I try to continually carry these burdens?

Again, I feel my self again admit that truth... If I let it go and give it all to Him, I'm letting myself believe that it will be OK. That He is in control, and that yes, God knew and continues to know the deepest part of all of this. Laying it all down to Him relinquishes all control I feel that I still have. As if I have any.

Accepting that this was God's plan or that He knew what we would endure requires me to let go of guilt. Guilt I cling onto so tightly. Guilt that I put fully on myself for letting this happen.
Guilt that I carry as a cloud over my head, and a wall in my heart.

Yet I know that ...
Releasing it brings peace. Letting it go speaks peace. Handing it over to Him, lightens the load.
I know that He is calling me to do these things. I believe in my heart that He desires for me to be comforted, to be carried, and to be freed from the weight of these burdens.

I never imagined being able to so clearly feel both extremes. To know both truths and struggle so much within myself. It's so difficult to explain, to deal with, or even to feel.

It's just takes me, willing to let go.
To accept that He is in control.
To believe deep in my soul that this is His plan, and He knows best.

And I want that so badly... Lord, give me the strength...

He's handing it out to me... I just need to reach out and accept.

My Beautiful Broken Shell

2010-01-30T18:59:00.003-05:00

My mom recently gave me a very special gift. It was a book called "My Beautiful Broken Shell", by Carol Hamblet Adams. It is such a beautiful depiction of me, my life, and the lives of so many others who have been broken and tossed and turned by waves and storms of life. It says so many things I want to say and share, it truly speaks so much of My heart.

Wanted to share the story here... I'm leaving some parts out but the whole thing is such a worth while read! It's a bit long... but I pray it encourages others and it has me.

...This is My first morning at the ocean, and as I walk to the beach, feeling the rich, warm sand beneath my feet, I decide to collect a few shells.

...I walk by a broken scallop shell.. and leave it to search for more perfect ones.

But then I stop.. go back.. and pick up the broken shell. I realize that this shell is me with my broken heart.

This shell is people who are hurting... people who have lost loved ones... people who are frightened or alone.. people with unfulfilled dreams.

This shell has had to fight so hard to keep from being totally crushed by the pounding surf... just as I have had to. Yet this shell is still out on the beautiful sandy shore.. just as I am.

Thank you, Lord, that I haven't been completely crushed by the heaviness in my heart... by the pounding of the surf.

If our world were only filled with perfect shells, we would miss some of life's most important lessons along the way. We would never learn from adversity... from pain.. from sorrow.

Thank you, Lord, for all that I learn from my brokenness... for the courage it takes to live with my pain... and for the strength it takes to remain on the shore.

Broken shells teach us not to look at our imperfections.. but to look at the beauty... the great beauty... of what is left.

If anything is still left of me or my loved ones, then that is enough to grab hold of.. to keep me going... to thank God for.

Broken shells mean lots of tears... lots of pain.. lots of struggle.. but they are also valuable for teaching faith, courage, and strength.

Broken shells inspire others and demonstrate the will to go on in a way that no perfect shell could ever do.

Broken shells are shells that have been tested.. and tried.. and hurt... yet they don't quit. They continue to be.

Thank you, Lord, for the great strength it takes to simply be... even when I hurt so deeply that there seems to be nothing left of me.

As I walk along the beach picking up shells, I see that each one has its own special beauty... its own unique pattern.

Lord, help me to see my own beautiful pattern.. and to remember that each line and each color on my shell was put there by You. Help me not to compare myself to others, so that I may appreciate my own uniqueness.

Help me to truly accept myself just as I am, so that I may sing the song in my heart.. for no one else has my song to sing... my gift to give.

I watch the tolling surf toss new shells onto the shore, and I am reminded of the many times that I, too, have been tossed bu the storms of life and worn down by the sands of time, just life my beautiful broken shell. But I am reminded that broken shells don't stand alone.

Thank you, Lord, for being with me to share my life... to help me carry my burdens.

Thank you for the precious gift of faith that keeps me strong when I am weak... that keeps me going when it would be easier to quit.

Thank you, Lord, for hope in times of despair... for light in times of darkness.. for patience in times of suffering... for assuring me that with You all things are possible.

A wave crashes, sending tiny sand crabs scurrying for safety... and I am reminded that even the smallest creatures depend on each other. Especially in our brokenness, we need the Lord, and we need one another.

Thank you Lord, for filling my life with people who care. Thank you for my family... for my friends... for those who are always there for me.

As I look at my beautiful broken shell, I see that it has nothing to hide. It doesn't pretend to be perfect or whole... its brokenness is clear for everyone to see.

Lord, may I be strong enough to sow my pain and brokenness like this shell. May I give myself permission to hurt... to cry... to be human. May I have the courage to risk sharing my feelings with others so that I may receive support and encouragement along the way.

Lord, help me to reach out to others... especially to the broken and discouraged... not only to love then but to learn from them as well. May I listen... comfort... and give unconditional love to all who pass my way.

Lord, help me to realize that I am not the only one hurting... that we all have pain in out lives. Help me remember that in my brokenness I am still whole and complete in Your sight.

As I walk among the many washed-up shells, I suddenly spot a broken conch shell... white and ordinary on the outside... yet brilliant coral inside.

Lord, help me to see inside the hearts of people who touch my life... and to see their true colors.

Somehow, here at the ocean, I receive so many gifts. I am grateful for the inner peace that fills my soul. I take time to notice sandpipers playing along the shore... beach grasses swaying in the salty breezes. I delight in finding simple treasures... a piece of smooth green glass polished by the waves... a transparent white stone... a starfish.

Lord, help me to remain childlike in my appreciation for life. Please slow me down... that I may always see the extraordinary in the ordinary. That I may always wonder at the shell in sand... the dawn of a new day... the beauty of a flower... the blessing of a friend... the love of a child. May I always take the time to watch a kite dance in the sky... to sing... to pick daisies... to love.. to take risk... to believe in my dreams.

As I look once more at the broken scallop shell in my hand, I am reminded of all the beautiful shells God has placed around me.

Lord, may I truly value every moment spent with my loved ones while this life is so briefly mine. Let me not destroy the beauty of today bu grieving over yesterday... or worrying about tomorrow. May I cherish and appreciate my shell collection each and every day... for I know not when the tide will come and wash my treasures away. Thank you Lord, for embracing my shell... whether I am whole or broken. Thank You for sending me loved ones who care. Thank You for holding me in the palm of Your hand... for keeping me safe from the pounding surf.

For now, I'll just continue walking and add to my collection of beautiful shells.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; and those who are crushed in spirit He saves".

Psalm 34:18

Balloons for Brayden

2010-01-30T17:44:00.007-05:00

I am a bit delayed in posting this but I just haven't gotten myself together to upload the pictures or to take the time and work on the post... so anyhow, here it is.

In celebration of Brayden's birthday this year we had a small get together with family and some close friends. We wanted to do another balloon release together and we also had some food and fellowship just visiting and remembering our sweet baby boy on his 3rd birthday.

This year we decided to do something different and we tied a small message to the balloons so that whomever and wherever they were found would know the story behind them and be invited to read more of Brayden's story here.

We also wrote messages to Brayden on the balloons

There were Smiles sent from Nana...

Kelly and Bella sent up sweet birthday wishes...

Auntie Em shared her love...

even sent up some messages from Grandpop

big brother, Nathaniel, drew a special picture and wrote a special note....

Uncle Brant and smilie Avery celebrated with us as well.

Everyone gathered out back and paused to think and remember Brayden as we listed to "Fly to Jesus" by Chris Rice.

Cousin Paulie waiting to release his balloon

And then we slowly sent up our Balloons to Brayden...

This year, unlike last, the balloons were flying into the trees and getting stuck! A few people mentioned that it felt like Brayden, not wanting to let go... just as we don't want to let go of him and don't want him to drift further from us.

Little by little they began to break through the branches and make there way up to the clouds. Praying Jesus gave them to Brayden for us with lots of special hugs and kisses from all of us!

Hapy Birthday Brayden! We miss you so much and love you more than ever!

In our heart forever....

Bereaved Parents Wish List

2010-01-19T22:01:00.002-05:00

I wish my child hadn’t died. I wish I had him back.

I wish you wouldn’t be afraid to speak my child’s name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you as well.

If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. My child’s death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

I wish you wouldn’t "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. I need you more than ever.

I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be said and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child’s death pains you, too.

I wish you would let me know things through a phone call, a card or a note, or a real big hug.

I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

I wish you wouldn’t expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time so don’t frustrate yourself.

I don’t want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I’m feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

When I say, "I’m doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don’t feel okay and that I struggle daily.

I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I’m having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I’m quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent. I wish you could understand that I’m doing good to handle him at an hour (moment) at a time.

I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

I wish very much that you could understand – understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. But I pray daily that you will never understand.

~Taken from The Compassionate Friends

Three

2010-01-05T23:21:00.004-05:00

Happy Third Birthday Brayden!!! We love you and miss you soo much!!
We sent some balloons up your way today.... Praying Jesus will catch them for you and put a smile on your face...

What a celebration it must be... a Heavenly birthday! I asked Jesus to give you some special hugs for me... I bet Pop Pop and Mr. Gary are partying it up with you!

Can't believe your three. What I wouldn't give to have a peak into what that would be like.

At the grocery store today the gentleman preparing the balloons began asking me questions. "Who are the balloons for? Oh, How old is he? What did you get him for his birthday?" and on and on...

I know he was just being sweet and having conversation. If only he knew...

I found myself lying through me teeth. "They're for my son. He's three. He just loves blue and orange, thats all. Gifts? Oh you know, lots of boy stuff! Dinosaures, Cars, Balls, etc... "

I kept myself together. Not sure why I lied. But how do you answer that question? How do you say, Oh... these are just to be released. They are in memory of my son who died a year and a half ago. It is his birthday, he'd be three today.

I just couldn't find it in me to say the words.

So I didn't. And the story remained a lie.

Truth be told... I have no idea what I would have bought. I hate not knowing what Brayden would be into these days. It's hard to admit that I can't even fathem what gifts I would be giving my three year old lil boy today.

How would you and Nathaniel interact? He misses you alot. We talk about you often.

He ran with your balloon today. Said it was fun to watch the balloon trail behind.

Is that what it would be like? To watch you trail behind your bubby as you ran across the yard...

What a scene I would love to see...

All we can do is send our love. Cherish the memories, and hold you in our hearts.

Well, we sent you these balloons today. Three blue, for my three year old boy... and 2 orange, just because it was ~~your favorite~~ my favorite color on you.

They together represent the 5 of us. For we are, and will always be, a family of 5. (unless God decides to change that by adding more!)

Happy Birthday Brayden! I love you so much Baby Boy... and miss you terribly on this special birthday!

...your Three!

a year without you

2010-01-01T00:45:00.007-05:00

It's new years eve. The end of 2009. The beginning of 2010.

This also means that we have now competed an entire year without Brayden. Yes, it has been almost 19 months since Brayden died... but 2009 was the first 'calendar' year that he was not with us. Brayden never lived to see 2009... and now that year too has come and gone. Just one more random thought I catch my self thinking about... one more fact to file away, one more truth to swallow.

Life is moving on...

It is time to look ahead... to get excited about the hope we have for the future. I am praying that 2010 becomes the year of positive steps for us as a family. A year for changes, a year for hope, and a year for reaching out... to make something beautiful out of the pain. To touch other lives and help families either avoid this journey, or have strength to walk it, but not alone.

Brayden will remain alive on our hearts... and will continue to touch people... even though the calendar moves on.

To making a difference in 2010...

Almost all together...

2010-01-01T00:29:00.005-05:00

This year the Holidays were very special. For thanksgiving we were up in maryland and had the chance to see my in-laws and the whole family was together... Sat. night, Jess and Bryan came over for dinner along with Brendon and the girls. It was so nice to have all the cousins together and to visit with everyone.

Then for Christmas we stayed home this year. For the first time in over 4 years all 6 Moylan/Ainsworth siblings were together. Along with spouses and children. It was ~~hectic, busy and loud~~ great to have everyone together again.

That is all but one...

Once again, it was so hard see all the kids together and take pictures... knowing there was one missing. Things were so incomplete this year... yet it was the new trend of what life will be like from here on out.

That's a hard fact to swallow.

I hate that Brayden is not here.

I hate that so many of his cousins, will never know him.

I hate that Elliana will only know the big brother in pictures and stories we tell.

I hate that family pictures and grandkids pictures will never be complete....

As much as we enjoy being together and I hope that we have more memories like this one where we all get together...

we will always be almost all together...

Love you Baby boy... you will live on forever in our hearts; but life, Holidays, and family will never be the same without you here.

Thankful

2009-11-26T22:55:00.002-05:00

Today is Thanksgiving.
We are visiting family and having a nice day. Lots of delicious food. Lots of smiles and laughter. Lots of relaxing.

Yet I'm struggling inside.
I want so badly to be thanful for the many blessings we have.
But My heart is hurting.

How can I be thankful admist all the pain I still feel?
How can I be thankful for family... when I am missing such an important part?
How can I smile and be excited to finally be together with family after so long, when I just feel things are so incomplete?

Brayden should be here.
Brayden needs to be here.
This sucks.
How I wish we could all be together.
How I wish Brayden was able to be apart of making dumplings with Papa and Nathaniel as he should be this year...

How I wish things were different.

But yet I stop... take a deep breath, and commit to opening my eyes and my heart to enjoy and be thankful for all the things we do have.

I am thankful for a place to live... our own house at that!
I am thankful for a wonderful, loving, and supportive Husband, who has stuck with me and by me through the last 12 years...
I am thankful for my children. All three of them.
I am thankful for jobs. (especially in such difficult economic times.)
Most of all, I am thankful for my Heavenly Father. Who loves me more than I will ever be able to comprehend, no matter how much I fail. Who wants the best for me.. a future full of hope. A Father who is my ultimate provider.. and always makes a way. A Father who comforts me and holds me in the palm of His hand. A Father who has everything under control.
I know there is so much more... more than I can even list here...
I am blessed, I am hopeful, I am loved, and...
Today... I will choose to be Thankful.

a good cry.

2009-11-11T22:51:00.004-05:00

Tonight as I rocked Ellie to sleep, I couldn't hold back the tears.

I was taken back to the nights I rocked you to sleep...

It still hurts so much... I miss you more than words can say.
Yet, the tears don't come as often. The thoughts are not so overpowering.
Life is moving forward.
I guess thats a sign of healing. a new part of this grieving journey. But it still sucks.
It makes me feel guilty, in a way that is hard to express...

I talked about you today. We talked about your birthday. Talked about what we will do. How will we celebrate this year.

What would we do if you were here?? I'm sure it would be a blast. Something like chuck e cheese. I can't believe you'd be 3...

I wish I could make you a cake.
I wish I could decorate and celebrate anyway you would like.

Instead, We will just celebrate the life you lived. Celebrate the time we shared. and take time to remember.

My arms still ache to hold you,
My lips to kiss your forehead.

No real rhyme or reason for the tears today.
Just missing you
tonight made me feel just a little bit better..
tonight I had a good cry.

Gone too long...

2009-11-08T10:56:00.002-05:00

Today sucks. Reality sucks. I miss my baby boy.
I am so thankful for every day, every moment we were able to spend with him.
But it wasen't enough.
Time still moves on... life moves forward.
As hard as it is to fathem that ...

Today marks the time that Brayden has now been gone, longer than he was with us...
That's hard to admit. hard to comprehend.
It brings new fears... fears of feelings of forgetfulness. Of feeling like he will be less and less remembered. I can't seem to find the right words, the right emotions or whatever to make sense of these thoughts and feelings.
The mark of today... It somehow brings fears of his life loosing value. I guess this is really my fear of what others might think, or feel.
..as if that should matter.
But it does.
I want his life to be validated. Remembered. Important.
He was Here... he made a huge impact... and ~~was~~ IS a big part of this family.
No matter how many days, months, and years pass by... the 17 months and one day we were gifted to spend with him will always be just as special. Will always mean just as much, and will be treasured forever.

Not much to be said. Not much to feel. It just sucks.
He's been gone too long.

A special moment

2009-11-06T23:23:00.006-05:00

Last night, as Jake and I were sitting in the living room relaxing we saw something beautiful. Nathaniel was already in bed and it was about time to put Ellie down, but she was so happy and playing that we left her up.

I looked over to check on her and found her by the fireplace hearth. Several of her toys are kept there so it wasen't unusual to see her over there. But this time was different. She was standing up and placed both hands on the picture of Brayden that sits there. She was right on his face. Jabbering and smiling and laughing. It was the cutest thing. She then grabbed the Brayden bears that sit close by and was hugging/kissing them and putting her face in them.

This was the first time I have seen her "interact" with the picture or bears. It was so special. I cryed, I smiled, and of course I grabbed my camera!

I feel so blessed to have Elliana and Nathaniel. They are my life, my motivation.. and my strength. I know it is because of them more than anything (other than God, of course!) that I make it through each day.

One of the hard things though as I watch them play and grow... is the reminder that they will not grow up with their brother... Nathaniel, very likely, will not remeber him, and Elliana will never know her big brother Brayden.

That is a hard fact to swallow.

But then.. beautiful moments like this one tonight take place... and I have to tell myself, They WILL remember Brayden... Elliana WILL know her brother Brayden, even though she never met him this side of Heaven.

We will share memories.

We will show (MANY!) pictures.

We will watch movies and tell stories.

We will laugh, we will cry...

and we will NEVER Forget.

I love you Brady Boo.... miss you more each day.

Always in my Heart.

Wednesday's Walk ... Down Memory lane...

2009-11-04T22:54:00.004-05:00

For today's memory walk, I wanted to go back to one of the last most special memories we had with Brayden. My sister Lauren had gotten married on May 24th. We drove up to Maryland for the wedding and had a great time with friends and family. On the way home we decided to stop at "South of the Border." I knew the boys would enjoy walking around, seeing some silly things and getting ice cream! (Not to mention its a great place for photo's!! ) The highlight was definately being able to go way up in the Sunbraro!
.

The boys checking out the view...

"Fearless"
Mr. Daredevil was ready to jump!

My lil binky boy!

Nathaniel being cute (:

...way, way up in the sky!

Helllooo.. up there!!! ...

Halloween Memories

2009-11-01T22:56:00.005-05:00

After a fun and eventful weekend... I couldn't help but sit and reminise tonight on the memories of our Halloween with Brayden. I looked through some more pictures at all the wonderful fall memories we have. Here are some from his first "trick or treating" experience!

My cute lil "Friendly" Ghost!

~Brothers~

The Boys! Brayden, Nathaniel and Paulie (: ... Ready to get some candy!! (and not wanting to take pictures! lol)

Once we got home to relax lil mr. curious found out there was some good stuff inside that pumpkin!

We had a fun night!

Remembering our Babies...

2009-10-16T00:28:00.003-04:00

Today is...

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

I'm not sure if I feel that I belong in this category or not. It is a difficult thing that I struggle with. I hate the fact that I can empathize with many other Mothers who can also say, "I have lost a child". I have not lost an infant. I have been pregnant 3 times. I have 3 beautiful children. I am also so blessed to say that I have never had a miscarriage. When you see my family, there are only 4 of us. In June of 2008 our precious Brayden went home to the arms of Jesus at 17 months old.
Since loosing Brayden, it has been amazing how many people I meet or hear about everyday who also know this pain. Who have lost babies too soon or never had the joy of holding the precious ones being knit together in the womb. It's a journey noone should have to walk. It's a heartache noone wants to feel. It's hard. It hurts.
But God Heals. His peace passes all understanding, and He truly is there to carry you through. I am so thankful for the family and friends that we have to surround us, encourage us, and lift us up in prayer. I know it is the Grace and Mercy of my God, my comforter, who has helped us make it through the dark days.
Today, I want to take time to remember all the angel babies, who await us in Heaven. I know that one day we will celebrate with them in that beautiful place. I am thankful for the hope that gives me to know I will hold my baby boy again.
A Mother's Heart is a special thing. Whether it was for a few days, weeks or even years that you have called yourself a Mother; know that you are special. God has called us to an amazing place to be called Mothers. He holds us in the midst of our pain and knows what is like to loose a child.
I have 2 children here with me to love on and raise here on earth but cannot wait until the day that I am reconnected with my beautiful Brayden. That will be an amazing day. I am blessed with so many things and filled with Hope for the future that I know my creater holds for us. I believe in the scripture that states, "ALL things work together for the good of those who Love Him and are called according to His purpose." and, "He who began a good work in US, will bring it to completion..." I know that God will use us to touch the lives of others and help bless others in the midst of our hurting. I want to bring Him glory and allow Him to make beauty of these ashes.
To all those who have experienced pain and loss. I pray God's peace that passes all understanding. I pray for comfort and for strength to face each day.
We Remember them.

Brayden Russell
Jan. 5,2007 - June 6, 2008

Wednesday's Thursday's Walk ... Down Memory lane...

2009-10-15T23:27:00.005-04:00

It's thursday.. but I really wanted to post another memory for my Wednesday's walk down memory lane and my internet has been down for a few days so I was not able to do it yesterday. So, a day late, here it goes...

It's October. It's hard to believe that fall is upon us and the end of another year is near. It is a tough time of year... when festivities begin and Holidays are spent with family. A time of year when many dearly miss loved ones who are not here with us. Last year was hard. Last year I didn't want to do anything this time of year. I felt paralized in sorts. Like I couldn't do anything... without my Brayden. We didn't go to the pumpkin patch, no hayrides or scarecrows... there just wasn't the same excitment. This year I still miss him so much. It's still hard. But this year, instead of the intense pain of feeling like I can't move on, I just truly miss him. I look forward to the days ahead. I have a new excitment of seeing Elliana experience things for the first time. I watch in wonder as Nathaniel gains new insight and understands things in such a new way as he gets older. New memories are to be made, so many moments to be treasured.

As I think about the season ahead I choose to focus on the memories and moments that were shared with Brayden. The joy he brought us in the time we had with him is unforgetable and irreplaceable. We did so much with Brayden the first and only Holiday season he spent with us. Pumpkin patch (es!), hayrides, costumes, pictures, family, more pictures, presents, and yes Candy! Did I mention memories? Do I have pictures? Oh yes.... Sooo many!! Over this next month I want to share our Fall adventure memories on Wednesdays.

My lil Punkin'!
I love fall. I love the weather, I love the colors, I love the pumpkins, and all the festivities! I always called Brayden "my lil punkin!" because he was so teeny. Nathaniel was a small baby... but Brayden even had him beat. I loved that we had small cute cuddly babies... and 'punkin' just always fit and stuck with Brady Boo.

I start with our first trip to the ~~pumpkin patch~~. No, not a real patch... just a local church that sells lots of pupkins. My sister was here visiting with my nephew and my Mom was also with us. We were so excited to take the kids to get pumpkins and take cute pictures! We packed everyone up and got there, just to find that they were closed! We were so upset... and so were the boys. We decided that there was no reason why we couldn't walk around and take pictures anyway! What harm was there in that? so thats what we did. The boys were amazed and how many pumpkins there were and how many different sizes they were. Big ones, small ones, tiny ones... even some white and green ones! Now... taking pictures of a 10 month old, 1 1/2 yeaar old and 3 year old are not easy! (to say the least!)... especially when there are consumed with and completely distracted by thousands of pumpkins! It was ~~fun~~ interesting, trying to capture these moments. (Between stopping rolling pumpkins and catching falling displays as to not... ahem ... destroy the place. ) Here are some of my favorite shots from that day.

The Boys! Cousins at the ~~Pumpkin Patch~~ Place to Buy Pumpkins!

My cuties surrounded by orange! He LOVED all the pumpkins! Especially all the little ones he could hold on to.

My adorable Boys
SOO CUTE! SOO HAPPY!!

Another of the many faces of my expressive Brayden!

chillin' with pumpkins (:

Such sweet memories.. such a fun day. We miss you everyday sweet Brayden. You will always be my precious lil punkin!

Just thoughts...

2009-10-12T22:09:00.002-04:00

I haven't posted here in awhile. I'm just not sure what to type. Life is here... it's moving forward, somehow. But it's still hard. I feel like I'm stuck in slow quicksand... I can see the other side and know I want to get out. I feel like I'm making steps in the right direction, but somehow I just end up deeper in crud or backwards. I just don't know how to catch up or get back on track with things. How could I have left things be for so long... to get so bad. I know I did what I needed to do by staying home, but it's hard to realize how much that hurt us financially. How can I get rid of this overwhelming feeling so that I can begin to clear my head and focus on the important things? I just can't make sense of anything... I want to make things right, but instead nothing is getting done.
frustrating.

I finally cleaned out some of my old purses and wallets. Found Brayden's health insurance card. I couldn't throw it away. It made me feel sad.. but made me happy all at once. It was that reminder, that assurance that yes, he was here... he did exist. It's hard to imagine that life will go on and soon those mere moments in life that were spent with my Brayden will feel smaller and smaller. Were getting closer to the time when he will be gone longer than he was here with us. Thats a hard fact to swallow.
I miss him. I miss life with him. I miss knowing what things would be like. I miss not being able to see Ellie and him interact. I miss the things that will never be.
I want to focus on the memories. I need to cherish the moments more.
Life is too short.

A creative Name

2009-09-30T23:59:00.002-04:00

It has really been heavy on my heart lately to start a support group for parents who have lost small children. I know that part of this is selfish because I want it for myself, but I really do want to help others. To know that my story, my journey would be able to help someone else means so much. I want this to have something good from it.

Things are still very much in the works and I have no idea how long before it could become a reality.. but I am hopeful (and prayerful!)

One of the big things I am struggling with is a name! I have no idea what to call the group?!? I thought about doing something with Brayden's Name to honor Him (ex. Brayden's Hope, Because of Brayden...) But I worry that makes it too much about Him. I also thought about trying to make an acrostick (sp?) but I am so not creative. I also considered Heart to Heart... since thats really what I want to do, just share our hearts and journeys with each other. Our hard times and good times, tears and laughter... But , I kinda think that one just sounds cheesey!

SO Help!! Anyone out there reading have any ideas? suggestions??? Please share!!

Wednesday's Walk ... Down Memory lane...

2009-09-30T23:46:00.005-04:00

The day is almost over but I wanted to end it with a memory before I go to bed. (So it's going to be short.. I may add more later!) One of my favorite memories of Brayden is the memories of how dramatic he was! I wish I had a picture of his exasperated look! He would get all flustered and throw his head back, drop his shoulders and let out a sigh. It was the cutest thing and we could never help but laugh when he did this! He truly was such a drama king and wasen't afraid to let you know how he felt about a given situation.

I miss that face... I miss that look... I miss him.

So thankful for the memories...

Just one of those days...

2009-09-18T23:28:00.005-04:00

Nothings going right
The tears flow
Life just doesn't seem fair

Overslept
The kids are sick
Late for work...

Non-compliant kids at work
Slipped and fell
Banged me knee

Needing solitude
needing tears
...just one of those days

Missing Him
Needing him here
wanting more than anything for life to be different

Went and sat with him today
staring at the stone, still feels so sereal
but it brings comfort somehow

the birds still churp
the pinwheel spins
the cars fly by

Life will move on
Things will be ok
...Just one of those days.

An Invasion of Dragonflies...

2009-09-08T22:00:00.003-04:00

Today was the first day back to work after a 3 day weekend. It was hard to wake up this morning. It was tough getting motivated for anything. Suprisingly, I got up and made it in good time... I had to be at a meeting after work so I had to figure out the kids and work out little details. The morning went by fairly quickly but I still felt off and a bit frazzled. I rushed over to my mom's to drop off the pickup sign for car rider line and then rushed off to my second school. Of course, my luck on a day like this... I get pulled over. Joy.

Me? .. I just smiled. As I looked up to the sky to see all those dragonflies, I felt some sort of relief. Things were going to be alright. I just needed to take a deep breath and take a step at a time. That was just the sign I needed today... a sign from my baby boy. Wish I would have been able to take a picture. I felt a calm and as if I was surrounded by Brayden... It's hard to put into words. I just wanted to say... nope, they're just there for me... It's my Brayden, letting me know things will be fine! (: As we were about to walk back inside I looked up again to see all but one out of sight and the other about to fly away... again I smiled. And then blew a kiss to heaven, thankful for that special moment, another sign, and thankful for the Invasion of Dragonflies. Today was the first day back to work after a 3 day weekend. It was hard to wake up this morning. It was tough getting motivated for anything. Suprisingly, I got up and made it in good time... I had to be at a meeting after work so I had to figure out the kids and work out little details. The morning went by fairly quickly but I still felt off and a bit frazzled. I rushed over to my mom's to drop off the pickup sign for car rider line and then rushed off to my second school. Of course, my luck on a day like this... I get pulled over. Joy.

I pulled up to school, very late and even more frustrated and frazzled than before. The class was already out at the playground so I put my things down and met them outside. While we were out there a swarm of dragonflies was overhead right where we were standing. It was really wild. Another assistant from the class made the comment about the invasion of the dragonflies...
Me? .. I just smiled. As I looked up to the sky to see all those dragonflies, I felt some sort of relief. Things were going to be alright. I just needed to take a deep breath and take a step at a time. That was just the sign I needed today... a sign from my baby boy. Wish I would have been able to take a picture. I felt a calm and as if I was surrounded by Brayden... It's hard to put into words. I just wanted to say... nope, they're just there for me... It's my Brayden, letting me know things will be fine! (: As we were about to walk back inside I looked up again to see all but one out of sight and the other about to fly away... again I smiled. And then blew a kiss to heaven, thankful for that special moment, another sign, and thankful for the Invasion of Dragonflies.

Still Holy

2009-09-05T22:06:00.002-04:00

Sang this song at church tonight and it really spoke to me...
It's important to remind myself of these things, daily.

In the midst of my darkness, sadness, confussion, He is still Holy. Though I don't understand His ways... and things can't ever change... I do want my life to glorify Him. I want to trust Him with everything... to have His will in my life. I am so unworthy of His amazing love, forgivness, grace and mercy, yet it is given willingly... each and everyday. Thank you Lord for your love, thank you for your promises.

You are Still Holy
By: Kim Hill

Holy, You are still holy,
Even when the darkness surrounds my life
Sovereign, You are still sovereign
Even when confusion has blinded my eyes
Lord I don't deserve Your kind affection
When my unbelief has kept me from Your touch
I want my life to be a pure reflection of Your love

CHORUS:
And so I come into Your chambers
And I dance at Your feet Lord
You are my saviour, and I'm at Your mercy
All that has been in my life up to now
It belongs to You
You are still holy

Holy, You are still holy
Even though I don't understand Your ways
Sovereign You will be sovereign
Even when my circumstances don't change
Lord I don't deserve Your tender patience
When my unbelief has kept me from Your truth
I want my life to be a sweet devotion to You

CHORUS:
And so I come into Your chambers
And I dance at Your feet Lord
You are my saviour, and I'm at Your mercy.
All that has been in my life up to now
It belongs to You
I belong to You
And so I come into your chambers
And I dance at Your feet Lord
You are my saviour and I'm at your mercy
All that has been in my life up to now
It belongs to You
I belong to you

You are still holy, You are still sovereign
You are still holy, Lord
You are still righteous
You are all knowing
You are still holy, You are still holy

Wednesday's Walk ... Down Memory lane...

2009-09-02T21:59:00.005-04:00

Outside Fun!

Brayden Loved playing outside. One of the main reasons we chose this house was for the large backyard. Many days were spent outside playing (:
The memory I chose to highlight today is captured in the picture above. You see, Brayden loved to be outside, but didn't like the way the grass felt on his legs. If he was barefoot or had sandals he was also hesitant get out. Before he was able to walk, Brayden would "crawl" on his hands and feet in the grass so that his legs would not touch the grass. It was so funny to watch. I wish I had it on video... but at least we have this picture. It makes me laugh just looking at it. I remember so well seeing him getting all over the yard this way!
My silly little guy....

Cheese! Hi everyone... my little ham (:

Brayden was so excited once he began walking... and learing to walk outisde on the grass was nothing short of fun. In no time he was running all over the yard trying to catch up with his brother. Brayden never wanted to miss a thing and it was such a joy to watch him take everything in.

Love you baby boy... Would love to see you outside running around now. The fun we would have...
Thank you for all the smiles, for all the memories.
I miss you more than anyone could ever know. love you so much..

Windows and Doors

2009-08-29T12:59:00.002-04:00

I grew up hearing the phrase "When God closes the door, He will open a window." This has found new meaning with me in the last few weeks.
Life surely has included some unexpected slammed doors that have rocked our life. Things have seemed so unsure for us and it has been hard to have faith, remembering who it is that is in control.
We have truly walked through the fire this past year and there has been too much smoke around to see the future that lies ahead. Yet, God has been faithful, and He has walked with us, held us up, and carried us in the moments we were weak.
Since last summer Jake and I have both said that something good has to come from all this. One of the biggest things that keeps us going is the thought that God can use this situation to touch the lives of others and make a positive difference. It has been hard to see that in the past few months. Life seemed to be getting more difficult and we didn't see any way things were going to get positive amidst all our pain.
Recently God has begin to open new windows for us and allowed His light to shine in for us to get a glimpse of what He has in store. Opportunities far beyond what we thought possible are already beginning to surface. We have been approached by an organization that helps create programs to keep and prevent child accidents. They have asked us to share our story and help raise money to begin new programs in our area. One of the goals is to lower the cost of water safety education and make it more accessible to all families.

Wow... Yeah, ... He really can use Us....

After months and months of struggling to find the support our family needs, we have found a family counselor that has been really helping. We have felt strengthened, encouraged and have gained confidence about how things are going. There are many positive changes we have been able to make for our family and have been challenged in new ways as well. More than I could have imagined this has been great for Nathaniel, and for Jake and I as well. I am so thankful. God always provides... even when its not in our timing.

I have started working full time again. God has provided, once again, more than I could have imagined or asked for. I was offered a contracted position through the school district. I am working with special needs children as I have for the last few years. The huge bonus is that I am now salary... which means confidence in knowing what will be coming every two weeks financially. We will also be able to receive Health benefits right away and will only have to pay HALF what we were paying through Jake's work. On top of it all I can purchase life insurance for Jake, the kids, and myself for pennies a month! His promises are true.. and He will always make a way. Though sometimes His timing is not like ours... and He chooses to allow us to walk through some valleys for a time. Just when things were looking so bad, and life felt ready to collapse around us... God's plan has blown us away.
I have also been in touch with many people about starting a support group for parents who have lost small children. Arrangements are being made and things are looking positive for getting this to happen. I love Compassionate Friends. That group has blessed me and helped me so much over the last year. But.. many of the parents who attend are much older than myself and have lost adult children. The connection is still there... and they understand on a level many others can't.. but it still is not the same.
I hope to be able to connect with others who have lost small children, those who don't have many memories, ... who weren't able to see their children reach many milestones... To share in each others pains, and joys.. to hold eachother up and walk through our journeys together.

I know that God will continue to open the right doors for us. I pray that His Will will be done and that I will have the wisdom and strength to take the steps He has for me to take. I am humbled.. I am blessed... and I am in awe of His faitfulness once again. Lord, forgive me for my doubts. Forgive me for my frustrations and anger. Give me the strength to always put my Trust in You and my increase my Faith in your Truth. Thank you for your promises
Open the right doors and windows that you would have us walk through. Continue to close those doors and windows that are not in your plan.
Your will be done.

He Knows Best

2009-08-29T12:19:00.003-04:00

One of my favorite blogs to read and follow is the very popular Mckmama's Blog. I love her mix of beautiful photography, healthy recipes, spiritual encouragement, and variety of parenting tips. Recently I read a post she wrote that spoke alot to me. I wanted to share parts of it here.

Through this journey we've been on the last 14 months I have had a lot of ups and downs in my spiritual journey. I often find myself waiting for answers, frustrating when feeling like God is not listening or wondering what His plan could possibly be. The bumps continue to come and many moments I have felt like I was taking one step forward, then thrown 3 steps back.

Our ways are often not His ways... and thats a hard fact to swallow. but through it all I have been ~~reminded~~ smacked in the face with the truth that He truly does know Best. In the moments when everything is clouded and I can't see a foot in front of me, God is still working. In HIS timing, the clouds part... and He again brings out the sunshine.

MckMama stated it so well when she said, "No matter how careful our planning, we can rest easy in the knowledge that God's plans are greater than ours, even as we watch the plans we had set in motion unravel. When we face these stormy days and nights, we may be taken aback by the fiery intensity of it all, but God is never surprised. He's like the universe's best boy scout: always prepared. God is ever ahead of us, even when we lag behind, mouths agape as we see where He is leading us. "
The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. (Deuteronomy 31:8)
Click Here to read the Full Post by MckMama: Caught by Suprise.

Nothing like waiting and waiting, till "the eleventh hour" when it feels all hope is gone. But again we have seen that God was still ahead of us and had a better plan. In the last few weeks some really positive things have taken place. We have started seeing a family counselor, together, which has been such a blessing. She has given Jake and I some tools to help Nathaniel as well as work on ourselves. She has also seen just the two of us, and just Nathaniel, for some personal counseling. Nathaniel seems to be responding very well and I feel as though things are impoving at home.
I started working full time again which will be a big help, and even was offered a contracted position which offers, salary and lots of benefits! We will be paying less than half of what we were paying for health insurance each month and have the comfort of knowing exactly what pay is coming each payday. What an incredible blessing. What a relief.

Through the trials and frustrations, through the pain and the unknowns... I need not need be discouraged. I am loved and held by the maker of the universe... and He knows Best.

The Compassionate Friends

2009-08-26T22:24:00.003-04:00

I am so thankful for this group I now call friends. I have been attending monthly meetings with the Charleston Chapter of TCF for over a year now. Jake and I went to the first one just 3 weeks after we lost Brayden.

In becoming a part of this group I have found a place of grieving, a place of understanding, a place of memories, and a place of healing. A place to cry, scream, question, and even smile or laugh...The encouragement I have recieved from those who attend is unexplainable. The connection you feel just sitting there among one another speaks volumes. I hate that I have a need to be at these meeting but am so glad that I found such an incredible circle of support to help carry me though this difficult journey. Below is the creed that was written for TCF. As a group we read this before closing our meeting each month. It says so much...

TCF Creed
We need not walk alone. We are The Compassionate Friends.
We reach out to each other with love, with understanding , and with hope.
Our children have died at all ages and from many different causes, but our love for our children unites us.
Your pain becomes my pain just as your hope becomes my hope.
We come together from all walks of life, from many different circumstances.
We are a unique family because we represent many races and creeds.
We are young, and we are old. Some of us are far along in our grief, but others still feel a grief so fresh and so intensely painful that we feel helpless and see no hope.
Some of us have found our faith to be a source of strength; some of us are struggling to find answers. Some of us are angry, filled with guilt , or in deep depression; others radiate an inner peace. But whatever pain we bring to this gathering of The Compassionate Friends, it is pain we will share , just as we share with each other our love for our children.
We are all seeking and struggling to build a future for ourselves, but we are committed to building a future together , as we reach out to each other in love and share the pain as well as the joy, share the anger as well as the peace, share the faith as well as the doubts , and help each other to grieve as well as to grow.
WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE WE ARE THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
Joe Rousseau - TCF, Saginaw, Michigan

2009-08-24T22:00:00.002-04:00

God grant me the Serenity

to accept the things I cannot change.

The courage to change the things I can.

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Wednesday's Walk ... Down Memory lane...

2009-08-19T22:33:00.003-04:00

This blog carnival was started by Lynette Kraft at Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground. This is a fun opportunity to document some of the things you don't want to forget and share those memorable times with others so we can enjoy them too. You can visit her site by clicking the picture above to share in her memories as well as others.

This week for the walk down memory lane, we have a special story. Daddy shared a special memory.. in his own words.

The Pea Face

This is what I call The Pea Face.... please use your imagination as I descibe it to you...
Nathaniel has never been a vegatable eater... like his Daddy.... but being his father it is my desire/duty to feed him his veggies. It was always fun to see his reaction to different foods... we have all seen reactions that kids have to lemons, BUT his reaction to PEAS was like no other. It made me laugh so hard it brought tears to my eyes.
This is how it went. REMEMBER use you imagination. Nathaniel is about 8-10 months old sitting in his hi-chair I start feeding him peas, this is his reaction with 1 scoop his eyes tearing bugging out, face turns red, and his gage reflex kicks in, mouth in a small circle with his tongue sticking out like he is going to hurl. This is what I call the gage face....
Brayden comes along following in his Big brothers footsteps... I have the Duty as his Daddy to feed him his veggies.... you know we have all seen Americas Funniest Videos. Well I thought this was my big chance, so we were all at Nana and Grandpops house Michelle My Beautifull Wifey asks me to feed Brayden I get the video camera out and set it up, Brayden in the hi-chair, me with the peas, I was all set to win the 10 grand. Push record and scooped some peas he opened wide and to my disbelief Brayden gobbled it up spoon after spoon until the jar was empty. So much for my 10 grand. I must say My Brayden was a veggie eater. (He ate anything and everything you gave him!) Even thou I did not get the reaction I was betting on I will alway have this memory.. one of MANY... and it was my pleasure sharing it with you.God bless you Brayden, I miss you and will always replay my memories.

LOVE ME SOME BRAYDEN,
LOVE DADDY

Still looking for pictures from this day.. will add when I find them!

Buddies

2009-08-16T00:31:00.012-04:00

At the end of last month we had a short but sweet visit with some of our closest friends, Noah and Tricia. It was sooo good to see them but was somewhat of a bittersweet visit as well. You see, we haven't seen these guys in over a year. They were here last June to walk us through the worst week of our life. After hearing the news of Brayden they jumped on a plane the same night, got to NC, rented a car and drove the rest... arriving sometime during the night. When we woke up that next morning they were there for us. Some of the most amazing lifetime friends anyone could ask for. We are so blessed to have them in our life!

Our friendship goes back many years. Jake has been friends with Noah for over 25 years and lived next door for many of those years. Noah and I went to highschool together and after we became good friends I was introduced to Jake.... and the rest is history (:

We then ended up in Pa together as Noah and I both attended Valley Forge Christian College. This is where he met his beautiful wife Tricia. We spent lots of time together and grew very close. It was a sad day when they moved back to Md, leaving us behind. But we stayed in contact and visited when possible. They still live in Md and serve as Pastors of a church there and we now live even further away.. in SC. This makes it even more difficult to see eachother as often as we'd like. But we make the time as much as we can.

Things got even more exciting when Tricia and I found out that we were pregnant at the same time. She knew first, had a due date, and even found out the sex first. Later, I was given a due date about a week apart from hers. What's the chance?! After finding out they were having a boy we talked about how much fun it would be if I also had a boy so they could grow up together, the same age... and be best buddies!

January 5, 2007 we were blessed to welcome Brayden Russell into our family. Just 2 days later, on January 7th Noah and Tricia welcomed Davis Joseph! The hardest part was that neither of us could be there to meet the other babies since we were having our own!

As soon as we could we got the boys together and visited with all the new additions.

Here are Brayden and Davis in February, Just before they were a month old. Two and a half year old Nathaniel Loved having 2 babies around!

Here are the boys again, getting bigger, at our visit to Md on Memorial Day weekend 2007.

Reunited again, Christmas 2007.

For Tricia's spring break in March 2008 they made the long trip to SC to visit with us again. This is probably the most special visit and I am soo thanful they came. It was during this visit that Brayden began walking (more than 2-3 steps at a time)! Being older and more mobile, the boys were able to play and enjoy each other so much this time... as Buddies. We also had an Easter egg hunt for the kids and shared lots of fun memories together.

Noone would ever imagine, in a million years... that this would be the last visit the boys would have together.

Fast forward to July 26, 2009. We finally had a nice visit again to just enjoy eachother and share memories. This was the first time they met Elliana in person! We are so glad that they came and we had the chance to visit (after a whole year... way too long!! That can't happen again...)

But this visit was also Bittersweet. We had a great time, but things just felt... incomplete. Watching Davis as the fun. expressive and happy little toddler he has become also brought with it pains of the "What would's". Looking at him, we had to remind ourselves that this is the age Brayden would be. How tall would he be? Who would be bigger? Would he talking that well? Would he love the guitar like Davis did? Would Brayden still get along well with his Buddy Davis? What would they have done together?

I have no doubt they would have had a blast. They definately would still be buddies.

...and it was hard to feel/think/express those realities.

Before they left we, of course, had to take another picture of our kids together.

...But this time it was incomplete. Davis loved being able to sit by and hold Brayden Bear.... his Buddy.

Instead of visiting at home, seeing a room full of toys, and playing together... we made a trip to take Noah and Tricia to 'see" Brayden here...

This was one of the hardest trips to the cemetary for me in a long time.

It just wasn't fair. It isn't fair.

It sucks.

But I try to remind myself of the Hope we have. I hold onto the promises that we will see Brayden again. And together Davis and Brayden will play again...

as Buddies for Eternity.

Blog Makeover Giveaway and Grand Re-opening!

2009-08-10T00:47:00.003-04:00

Check out this great design shoppe for an awesome new Blog Makeover!! I'm hoping to win one so I can fix up this site for all (: wish me luck and go visit Jennisa over at Once upon a Blog!
... feel free to leave her a comment recomending me for the makover too! (;

Dates

2009-08-08T00:33:00.000-04:00

The calendar keeps us organized. It tells us what day it is. We use calenders to remind us of important dates. It tells us of the future.

In the last week or so I have been thinking alot about dates. I have been looking at the calender in a new way. The calender now reminds me how long its been since I've held my baby boy. It reminds me of the things ahead that he will not be apart of. It feels like a constant countdown of things to come. I find myself thinking about specific dates all the time.

I've been told it's the anticipation of things to come that are harder than actual events. This has proven to be somewhat mostly true. I wish I knew why I drove myself crazy about dates, about time, about the when's and how longs and the future. Here are some of the ~~things~~ dates that have been on my mind alot lately...

It has been 14 months since I held my baby boy... 14 months since I kissed his forehead. 14 months since I rocked him to sleep... It's hard to fathem that life has continued on that long.

3 months from today, on November 7th, Brayden will have been gone as long as we knew him. That is a strange thing to think about. Life feels so incomplete without him, how could we have only had the joy of loving him here for such a short time. Life has Flown by... moments passed too quickly.. it all still feels so sereal.. even after this long.

In 138 days we will celebrate another Christmas, without a busy little toddler running around. and 141 days till our sweet boy would have been 3 years old! wow...

On May 5th, 2010, Elliana will be the same age as Brayden was when he went to be with Jesus. I am terrified about next summer... the unknown of how that will be is so very hard to comprehend let alone try to express.

I wish I could know the date... and count the days till I see my Brayden again... Until then I hold onto the Hope that that day will be here soon... and that I will cuddle my baby boy again.
I love you baby boy... Missing you so much...

MckLinky! Weekly Blog Hop!

2009-07-29T00:24:00.001-04:00

Favorite Kid Photo

This is hard to narrow down to one photo... I have sooo many that I love. This photo is definately one that tops the list. Daddy, and Nathaniel holding new baby brother, Brayden safe in their arms. This picture was taken in the hospital the day after Brayden was born.

SWIMMING!

2009-07-25T00:41:00.000-04:00

Yes, you read that right. We went swimming!

It was only a baby pool... but it was a big step.

Since last June when we lost Brayden we have not been in a pool... It wasen't 100% intentional, it had just not come up much. There were a few opportunities... but we were just not ready.

But this... was a big first step for me.

The kiddos have been going to a new childcare provider and she lives in a community that has a nice pool with a pretty big baby pool. It also has a big mushroom like fountain in the middle. Very fun. We both new there would be times when it would come up. Her boys are used to going and they would ask. Nathaniel also saw it and would want to go.

So we decided that it would be good for me to be with them and go the first time. This was probably more for me than the kids. But I knew I needed to do it.

To say the least, Nathaniel LOVED it. He swam and swam like a fish enjoying every moment. It was a little nerve wrecking for me.. especially at first.

But then it was ok.

suprisingly ok.

He was eager to show us that he was practicing putting his face (actually just mouth and nose) under water.. blowing to avoid getting water in. He did great, and was proud of himself.

He has been doing this awhile in the bathtub and asking to "go swimming for real in a pool". I guess this prepared me somehow for the pool more than I thought. The baby pool.. which is only a foot deep was just like a large bathtub (or so I told myself) I felt confident that he was ok and could do this.. just as he had may times in the tub.

I did it. It felt good. We had fun.

Here are some pictures from our day...

I am so thanful that we had this opportunity and I am thankful that Nathaniel did so well. No apprehensions or fear. Just pure fun (:

What an answer to prayer.

Wednesday's Walk ... Down Memory lane...

2009-07-22T23:09:00.000-04:00

Fun Times with Daddy!

This blog carnival was started by Lynette Kraft at Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground. This is a fun opportunity to document some of the things you don't want to forget and share those memorable times with others so we can enjoy them too. You can visit her site by clicking the picture above to share in her memories as well as others.

As I thought about what I wanted to write about I sat watching my husband interact with our children. Shreals of laughter and joy came from nathaniel as he laid in Daddy's lap being tickled! Elliana didn't want to be far from the action as she sat in daddy's arm dancing all around enjoying the craziness. I love these special moments...

Today's memory is actually not from a one time event. It was a ritual of sorts. This memory goes back to the many nights my husband spent on the floor...getting clobbered by boys! One of my favorite memories of Brayden is the times he spent playing with daddy. My husband Loves to get down on the floor and have tickling, wrestling times with the kids. I remember before we ever had kids hearing Jake dream about the day he would have kids to tickle and wrestle with. Once Nathaniel was here... he couldn't wait to have others to battle the time with... he wanted to be covered in kids!

Brayden loved being a part of this playtime. Whenever Daddy and Nathaniel got started, Brayden would come running in to jump in. As small as he was he would do all he could to wiggle his way into the action. Running, playing, laughing, tickeling.... pure joy and fun. When they were weren't tickling or attacking Daddy the boys also loved to play ball. They had a special game where Brayden would sit in Daddy's lap and Nathaniel would be down the hall. They would roll the ball back and forth. Daddy would help Brayden jump up to chase the ball... Nathaniel would always get it first and Brayden would dive back to Daddy's lap to do it all over again... this would go on and on. Oh, what boys they are. Oh, the fun that was had! Sweet, Sweet memories.

One of the few videos we have of Brayden is one of these playtimes. If I can figure out how to upload a video I will add it to this post.
Here is a picture I found... it's not the best pic of true tickle time but shows just how much Brayden loved being in on the action with Daddy! Rule is... once Daddy;s on the floor, he's fair game! LoL

Watching the 3 of them tonight was bittersweet. I love to see them having so much fun, I love to hear Nathaniel laughing and shreaking with joy... but how I miss seeing Brayden over there with them. To think how crazy things would be now....

Miss you and love you so much baby boy! So thankful for all the moments we were able to share... So thankful for all the laughter!

In the Arms of Jesus

2009-07-20T00:10:00.000-04:00

Its late... and I should be in bed. But I'm itching to blog. Life has been so busy lately and I have not had the time to sit and write. There has been so much on my mind and heart to share... so I decided to catch up a bit.

If you haven't checked out the Name Gallery lately, please do! I have uploaded LOTS of new pictures! Keep them coming! Please send them to becauseofbrayden@gmail.com. You can check out the gallery by clicking on the beach picture in the right sidebar.

I recieved an extremely special gift recently. It was from Kim, a very close friends mother. Last June, shortly after we lost Brayden, Kim was praying and God told her that she was to give me this beautifull statue. It is Jesus holding a little child. It is a Lenox peice called "Footprints in the Sand."

You see... Kim lost a little boy at just 3 days old. This month Christopher would be 34 years old. Shortly after he passed, her mother gave her this statue as a visual reminder of where her little boy was... in the arms of Jesus. Also, as a reminder that when we don't feel strong enough to make it on our own.. God will Carry us through. Kim now felt convinced that God wanted her to pass this statue onto me, as a visual reminder of where my Brayden is...

I cannot begin to express my gratitude for such a special, beautiful and thoughtful gift. It means more than words can express. My favorite picture is of Jesus hugging a little boy (Pictured in this post) and I carry a copy of that picture in my purse all the time. It is so hard to fathem something like this.. I may never understand the situation this side of heaven. Our human minds can't comprehend Heaven... or what it must be like. It's amazing to be able to have a visual to look at to help imagine what a beautiful sight that must be. It is a source of strength to get through each day as I remember the truth I know in my heart. I may not have all the answeres.. I may not understand the "Why's"... but I do know one thing for sure... that my baby boy is loved, cared for, and missed... but is held safely in the Arms of Jesus!

Thank you Kim for this incredible and beautiful gift. Thank you for your obedience and openess to share your heart with me. Thank you for the prayers and love for our family... God Bless You!!

Breakthrough

2009-07-05T23:57:00.000-04:00

Recently, we were asked some challenging questions. There is an incredible opportunity that came our way and I was blessed and honored at the mere thought. Things are still in the works and we will see what the outcome will bring. Whether anything comes from it or not I have been filled with thoughts that I wanted to write out...
What do we feel we are holding back from because of what we have experienced? What things do we wish we could do, but feel unable to accomplish? What are our goals, plans, dreams for the future?
It has really make me think. alot. Life has completely changed in the last year. Everything we do is different. I am more apprehensive, yet cherish the moments more. I am very protective, yet love my children better. I get nervous easily, yet allow the frustrating moments to just pass by. My life is forever changed.
There are so many things I hope to improve. So many things I want to change and feel better. I want to stop holding back and continue living life to the fullest. Living the life that Christ would have us to live. After much thought I have come up with 3 specific things, 3 goals that I would have for our lives. 3 things that I want and need to see come from all that has happened.

1. I want our family to swim again
swimming has ALWAYS been one of my favorite things! I was born at the beach, took lessons and was on swim team through my teens, used it as my preferred cardio exercise, and always loved to swim. I want my children to also know the joy in swimming.
2. I want my children to have swim lessons. The fear that comes from thinking about swimming again has alot to do with the fact that one of them may have the same fate... they would not be prepared, not knowing how to swim. I want so badly for them to learn through lessons so that they as well as us will have confidence in the water. It just seems like such a hard thing to do still...
3. Starting whatever it is we are to do to help others through all this. Whether it be through advocasy, support group, awareness, etc... I know that something big will come of all this... I believe our lives can and will impact the lives of others... and I look forward to the day when we can see what that looks like. In the midst of such pain, I desire to reach out... if only we knew the direction, ... and had the strength...

Phil 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Nothing is impossible with God. I know that live will get better... healing will come, pain will be bearable, and lives will be changed. I am so thankful for the love, support and prayers that are contuing to be sent for us. We still need all we can get. I am also blessed to have a Heavenly Father who loves us so much... who gives us His joy and strength to make it through each day. My prayer is to get to the point where He is glorified in all of this. I want to be used as he would want to use us and to reach out to bless others.
It takes time... It takes action... It takes prayer.. It takes strength.
But ALL things are possible.

July 4

2009-07-05T23:44:00.000-04:00

As is each "family" event yesterday was another one of those event days where I was really missing my Brayden. It just never seems right to all get together without him. We went as a family to the cemetary. Took flag pinwheels and small flags to add to the arrangements. I know he would have loved the pinwheels so much. We also took a pinwheel with us to the park for fireworks.. it always feels good to have something.. a peice of him there... to feel that he is with us. Here are some pictures from our day...

Big Brother, Nathaniel heloing place some American Flag's into the arrangements.

The dragonflies were here again today!! Although this time there were several! There were in Brayden's tree and flying all around, it was special to see them again. I love these little signs... to know Brayden is with us.. and smiling down on us.

Getting ready for the fireworks!

We love you and miss you so much baby boy! Not a day goes by we don't think of you.. and wish you were with us.

Wednesday's Walk ... Down Memory lane...

2009-06-24T10:35:00.000-04:00

It's Wednesday.. So Its time to capture and relive some memories! This was started by Lynette Kraft at Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground. This is a fun opportunity to document some of the things you don't want to forget and share those memorable times with others so we can enjoy them too. You can visit her site by clicking the picture above to share in her memories as well as others.

Today's walk is a difficult one. But one that I know is important to remember, to document, and to share. I have wanted to write this out for some time and have not taken the time to do it... so I thought Wednesday's Walk would be a great way to do it.

This memory goes back to June 9, 2008... the day that we celebrated the life of Brayden Russell. One of the hardest days of my life, a day I never dreamt I would live through... but a day where God carried us through.

I remember the day so well, waking up and getting ready.. trying to look nice... yet wanting to crawl in a whole and avoid this whole thing. Hurting, nervous, scared, numb, a wreck. How do you prepare for your child's funeral?

But it was not a funeral.... it's a celebration of life. We couldn't bear the sadness and pain of a traditional service. There was no casket, only pictures EVERYWHERE to remember the Life of this precious baby boy. My sisters, my close friend, and my brother & sister in law worked so hard to find and put together amazing tributes to Brayden.

I remember walking into the church. I just froze... Pictures everywhere. Poster boards full of memories... His smile, His laugh, His chubby fingers always pointing, His adventures, His joys..and tears.

A celebration of Life. The life he lived. and enjoyed. The life he embraced and made so fun. The moments we shared.. the moments we will always treasure.

During the service our pastor spoke and shared some things, as well as my brother, Chuck, and one of our closest friends, Noah Kaye.

Noah shared that Brayden was taken from Love to Love. This was encouraging to think that all he ever knew was love. He didn't have to experience the hardships in life, the struggles of the teenage years, the heartbreaks of love, or the sting of broken relationships. As parents our number one goal for our children is to get them to Heaven. We can also say that we have succeeded in that goal. It may have been sooner than We had planned, but we loved and prayed over him here and know that he is resting in the Father's arms in his eternal home.

My brother shared some memories as well as a video tribute that he had put together with photo's of Brayden throughout his life. It was put to music with 2 beautiful songs and made us laugh, cry, and smile as we remembered the moments. Chuck also shared one of his favorite memories that I will share another week. In a nut shell Brayden LOVED music. He loved to dance, clap, etc... Worship on Sunday mornings was one of his favorite times. Because of this we asked a few members of our Praise team to play some songs at the service. It was so awesome to have them there... and to be able to praise the same God that we know Brayden is now worshiping right at his feet!

At the end of the service we had a response time, much like the ones we have at the close of each church service. Many people responded for personal prayer, lit candles for others or to send a request to Heaven, or nailed requests on the cross. It meant so much for us to see others lives being touched in the midst of such a difficult time. We KNOW that God WILL use this situation for His Glory and that good will come from it. My hearts desire is to bless others and be able to complete the work that God has begin and desires for this family.

All in all we left the service with a smile. It was a sad and difficult time knowing that we would not have our little boy with us any longer, this side of heaven. Yet, the service was truly a celebration of his life... we remembered, we cherished, and it was a joy to share his life with all those who came.

My friend Sarah found a poem and adapted it for Brayden. It was written on the back of the card we gave out at the Service. It is called, "Our Brayden"

He was just a little boy

Who only know love and care.

He had to go be home with Jesus

but he's waiting for us there.

Don't fret about him Mom and Dad

He's one of God's lambs most blest.

He'd have loved to stay there with you

but the Shepherd knows what's best.

It's hard to know just what to say

When one so young is taken away.

Far too soon he had to part,

His memory forever engraved in our hearts.

We only knew him for a short while,

But the life he lived made us smile.

Those gone before him will watch with care,

Till the day comes when we will join him there.

Know Brayden is watching from Heaven above,

And with each ray of sunshine, He's sending his love.

Held tight in the arms of his Pop Pop Russ,

He is playing and laughing and waiting for us.

This is something no parent should ever have to experience, and one of the hardest things ever. I can honestly say though that it exceeded what we could have wanted and we were so blessed with the way things went. The outpouring of love and support for our family was unbelievable. To know that so many loved Brayden, and love us to rally around us and walk this road with us means more than anyone will know.

Thank you for letting me share this memory. I don't choose to remember this day for the pain or the sadness in held, but for the memories of the joy, the strength, and the peace that came from our Heavenly Father. Because of Jesus we made it through. Because of Him we could smile, and celebrate. Because of Him we can remember the good and be pleased with how well things went that day.

We were blessed through the life of Brayden, and we continue to be blessed by so many. We are so very Thankful.

a special gift

2009-06-22T01:16:00.001-04:00

After spending a nice day with my family for Father's Day today (which I blogged about HERE), we stopped by the cemetary. My friend Jess and her son, are here and this was the first time she has been back since the service. Just as we were about to leave Jess looked up in the tree that is behind Brayden's stone and spotted a beautiful dragonfly! It was such a beautiful dragonfly with yellow and black striped wings. It sat still and quiet on an empty small branch and the top of the tree for a very long time. If you read this blog you know about my tattoo and how much dragonfly's mean to me so you will understand that I felt like this was a gift. a sign. Like a little smile from Heaven... my baby boy just letting me know that he is still right here.. all around us. I believe that he is watching us from above and smiling down on us. I can't wait till the day I get to hold my precious Brayden again.. to hug him tight.. and kiss his head.

Until that day I will try to live each day the best I can... treasuring all the moments with my family here... thankful for the moments.

And I am thankful today... for this gift.

Jake's Tattoo

2009-06-19T22:17:00.001-04:00

On Monday afternoon, Jake got off work early and went to get his memorial tattoo done. He is so pleased with how it came out after going around and around about what to do and trying to draw it out. He was originally going to do a cross he designed with the letters on the cross. He later found a picture of this awesome tribal cross. We had Hollie, an artist who does tattoo's draw a similar cross but include Brayden's Initials inside the design. She did an amazing job and here is the end Result! Brayden Russell Zieg will forever have a place in his mommy and daddy's hearts... but we know have a piece of him ON and with us forever.

Jake got this tattoo on his left forearm. He wanted to be able to look at it often as a reminder of Brayden. He also wanted it there to symbolize one of our favorite memories of Brayden. He LOVED music, and LOVED to dance. Every Sunday at church we would go get Brayden from his class at the end of service in time for worship. Jake would sit him up on his chest so he was high above most of us. As we sang and worshiped Brayden would dance, swaying back and forth, raise his arms and swing them around, clapping and smiling in absolute joy. It was a beautiful sight to see him praising Jesus! It brought a smile to our faces (and all those around us!) and became a special part of our church experience.

Because of this special memory Jake really wanted his tattoo on his forearm. This way whenever he lifts his arms to praise Jesus, the cross with Brayden's initials will be lifted to Jesus as well. He is with us in spirit, but better than that we KNOW that he is up in heaven worshiping the Heavenly Father and dancing his little heart out! What a sight and experience that must be!! Can't wait till the day will be able to join him at the feet of Jesus.

Wednesday's Walk ... Down Memory lane...

2009-06-17T13:16:00.000-04:00

It's Wednesday.. So I want to start my Wednesdays Walk down memory lane series! This was started by Lynette Kraft at Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground. This is a fun opportunity to document some of the things you don't want to forget and share those memorable times with others so we can enjoy them too. You can visit her site by clicking the picture above to share in her memories as well as others.

I thought it would be fitting to start at the beginning; so today I choose to share and remember the day we met Brayden Russell.

This pregnancy was so different than my first... in so many ways. We decided to find out the sex so that we could be prepared. We already had lots of boy things but if this was a girl we knew we would need some things. We were extatic when we found out he was another little boy. The boys would be close and age and we had hopes of them being close and enjoy playng together.

Because Nathaniel was a c section, Brayden was a scheduled repeat section. My mom came up to help with Nathaniel and be with me for a while. It was soo great having her around to help!!

We were a scheduled section and I was not in labor so we ended up getting bumped not once but twice for emergencies. Finally, after lots of waiting we met our little Prince.

Brayden Russell was born on Januaary 5, 2007 at 2:18p.m.

weighing 8lbs 4.5oz 21in long.

Perfect.

The first time I was able to hold him in my arms... undescribeable!

Such a proud daddy!!

Excited Big Brother!!!

Ny favorite picture!! I love that this shows Daddy's hands, Nathaniel's hands surrounding Brayden.

Our family!

This is such a special memory, thank you for allowing me to share it with you! This day is one that we will cherish forever and never forget!

Life with 3

2009-06-17T00:50:00.000-04:00

I often find myself thinking about what life would be like....

toting around 3 kids

trying to put 3 children to bed

getting out of the house with 3

loading up 3 kids in/out of the car

feeding 3

settling down 3

attending to 3

Lately, this has been on my mind more as I have spent a lot of time with my nephew and now one of my best friend's sons. Many days I've been able to experience life with 3.

My friend and her son have been with us for about a week. It has been so nice to visit and spend time together after so long. Feels like nothing has changed, we picked up right where we always were... together... chatting late into the night... being goofy and laughing together... crying and sharing our struggles...

But things are not the same... life has changed... for me.

Seeing the boys together has been bittersweet. I love that they are older now and able to play together. I love that we are still friends after so many years and are now having children that will grow up together. But I hate that one is missing. I wish so much that Brayden was here.

It's hard to see Nathaniel playing with other little (younger) boys... wondering what life really would be like if he were with us.

Would they get along? Would they play together well? Would Nathaniel be the protector? or the bully? Would Brayden follow him around and want to do everything like Nathaniel does?

The way it's suppose to be... with 3.

Nathaniel is suppose to have someone to play with, and share life with everyday. My boys should be growing up together... as brothers do.

fighting over toys, wrestling on the floor, getting into mischief together, keeping each other up, creating imaginary adventures , destroying the playroom, giggling together...

How I would love to know how it would be... to live life with 3.

My Memorial Tattoo

2009-06-14T02:29:00.001-04:00

Just got home from getting my first tattoo!! I am soo excited about this memorial tattoo in memory of Brayden... and I LOVE it!

His name is written across the top and the Dragonfly is the centerpeice. The dragonfly symbolizes Hope, Change, and New Beginnings, it represents New Light and Joy. Dragonflies live short lives. They remind us to cherish each moment that we are given and enjoy life to the fullest. Remember the moments... because that is what we will hold onto forever. It also means renewal , as moving forward after enduring hardship.. and shows us we are strong enough to embrace happiness once more.

I love this symbolism as I remember my precious Brayden. Yes, he lived a short life.. shorter than we feel it should have been. But I am thankful for each moment that we shared. As life takes on a "new normal" I am trying to hold onto the Hope I have in Christ for my future... for my family.. and for the plans that lie ahead for us.

On the bottom of the tattoo is the verse Phil. 1:3, which states, " I thank my God every time I remember you." This is the verse that is on the headstone and also on Brayden's memory quilt. It has become very special to me and reminds me to thank God each time I remember Brayden. I am so blessed to have been chosen to be His mommy and I will forever treasure each memory.

I am sooo stoked about having this tattoo! I love the way that it turned out and love that I now have a little peice of Brayden that will always be a part of me.

Wednesday's Walk ... Down Memory lane...

2009-06-10T23:50:00.001-04:00

Each day I am amazed and blessed by this "blog world" I have become part of... I started following a few new blog's recently. I have been blessed by the encouragement of others and have found quite a "family" of people who are also going through trials of their own. My prayer is that we are able to encourage and lift one another up as we walk our journey's.
I have decided to take part in Wednesday's Walk Down Memory Lane... started by Lynette Kraft. When I began this blog I wanted it to be a place for me to journal, write out my thoughts, feels, and struggles... but also to capture and write out memories. I think that doing this on wednesday's will be a great way for me to remember all the wonderful moments we shared with our precious Brayden.

We were given 17 months and one day with our sweet baby boy... I say that number and it hurts. It was not long enough... a life time would not have been long enough to spend with my Brayden. As I read other stories of familes who have or are going through loss I am humbled and heart broken. So many families are only given moments, or days, with their children. I can't begin to imagine how hard it would be to have to say goodbye to a precious little one after carrying them for 9 months... before ever getting the chance to meet them.
I need to treasure the gift we were given. So many moments, so many days,... so many months. I was blessed. I AM blessed... with 17 months. of a life shared. With HUNDREDS of pictures. With MANY memories. With the promise of Eternity. What a day it will be to be reunited with my baby boy... and to spend eternity together in the presence of our Heavenly Father.

Until that day, I want to live a life that Honors my Savior, and Honors Brayden's life. I want my life, my journey, my story to touch others. I want to allow God to complete the work He was begun in us and "work all things together for the good of those who Love Him and are called according to His purpose."

It's late and I need to get some sleep... so I won't be starting this until next week... but I am looking forward to taking the time to cherish the time spent and sharing the memories of my precious gift...

Our Story

2009-06-08T13:17:00.000-04:00

I've wanted to put something together to post for a long time but didn't have the ~~courage~~ strength to do it. I know many of you who are visiting from other blogs or websites and are praying for us have wondered what happened...

The pain is so raw.. guilt and shame so fresh.. it's hard to get out the words. But I know it is part of the healing. I know that His Grace covers me, that His strength takes over in my weakness, and that "those who sow in tears, will reap joy." Psalm 126:5

So here it is... The story of us, and our precious Brayden

My name is Michelle, I am a wife to Jacob, and mommy to three precious gifts; Nathaniel, Brayden, and Elliana. Brayden Russell joined our family on January 5, 2007. When Brayden was 6 months old we made the big move south to be near my family. This was a fresh start for us as a family and we were so excited about the things that were ahead. Jake got a job working at a Toyota dealership, we bought our first house and started our new life in South Carolina.
Just a few months after moving to SC I found out I was pregnant with our third baby. This was a big surprise as we were planning to wait a few years before having more children. Then on June 6th, 2008 our world turned upside down. Nathaniel, who was just a few weeks from turning 4 and Brayden, who was 17 months old, got out the back door without anyone noticing. Once in the backyard Brayden climbed the ladder to our above ground pool... and fell in. Moments later as Jake noticed the boys were not around and ran to the back door, Nathaniel came running towards him. “Where’s Brayden?” Daddy yelled, and Nathaniel pointed to the pool. Our worst nightmare had taken place. Jake quickly pulled Brayden from the pool and called 9-1-1. He began CPR until the emergency medical team arrived. They continued to work on Him while we gathered with Nathaniel inside. There were lots of questions that could not be answered and we did our best to explain things to the Police and Investigators who had arrived. Time seemed to stand still yet the world was spinning. I could not sit still but could hardly stand up. What felt like hours later, they told us the news that they had done all they could. Brayden was no longer with us. Everything inside me collapsed. No words can accurately describe the emotion or feelings we were experiencing in those moments. This couldn’t possibly have happened. Surely, there was something else that could be done... but it was too late.
We were blessed with 17 incredible months with our precious little boy. Brayden was such a happy baby. He had an incredible smile and contagious laugh that would brighten anyone’s day and melt your heart. He was my lil pumkin.. and stayed very small for his age. Brayden also loved to cuddle. I got lots of hugs and cuddle time with my brady boo and loved every minute of it! He always wanted to be in the center of everything, never wanted to be left out and would jump right in with his brother. Brayden was so dramatic.. though he only spoke few words he said so much through his expressions. I am so thankful for all the memories… I will forever cherish every moment we shared.
It is now June of 2009. It has been a year since we lost our precious baby boy. Life is hard and we struggle each day with facing our “new” normal. The following months after Brayden’s death included the hardest pregnancy I’ve experienced full of bittersweet feelings. As a behavioral therapist working with children with Autism, I was unable to return to work due to the emotional strain and stress involved. I could barely handle the daily tasks of taking care of my self and Nathaniel. Elliana Grace was born 6 months later, on December 4, 2008. She brings us so much joy and we are blessed to have her as part of our family. The pain from loosing Brayden is still fresh and the grief so raw that we struggle each day. Jake, who returned to work after a few weeks, puts in long hours and works so hard to do the best he can to support our family. Work has been very slow recently and finances are extremely tight. Bills are adding up and things are taking a toll on him, as well as on us as a family. Our marriage has also had its share of struggles. Grief is such an individual and unique experience and it is difficult to help and support one another. I heard it best said “it is like two wet noodles, trying to hold each other up.”

Though our faith has been shaken, we are doing what we can to hang on to the strength we have in Christ and the hope that He offers for our future. We may never understand God’s plan, this side of Heaven, but we are trying to put our trust in Him to make it through. Our hearts desire is to honor the life that Brayden lived and allow God to use this journey to touch the lives of others. We are blessed to have an incredible support system of friends and family around us as well as an amazing church that has gone over and beyond what we could have ever imagined.

We are here... and we are surviving... by His Grace.

…“and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain..." Revelation 21:4

First Angel Day Anniversary

2009-06-07T22:21:00.000-04:00

Glory Baby

2009-06-06T23:29:00.000-04:00

The words are hard to find... This song by Watermark says so much.... It speaks whats on my heart, especially today...

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..

Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you
We will hold you

You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you

But baby let sweet Jesus hold you‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing- That
all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE: I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

One Year

2009-06-06T01:33:00.000-04:00

One Year ago my world shattered
One Year ago my heart was broken
One Year ago my hopes and dreams were interupted
One Year ago I began the hardest journey of my life
One Year ago time stood still
One Year ago I didn't think I would survive another day
One Year ago I had to let go of one of the greatest gifts ever given to me
One Year ago I was reminded how fragile life is... enjoy every moment!
One Year ago my life was forever changed

It's hard to put into words... I can't even wrap my head around the thought... How has it been One Year...
Yet were still here... surviving. Making it through this journey, a moment at a time.

My heart hurts. How I miss my baby boy so badly. It's so unfair to think of life moving on... but it still does.

Brayden,
The words are so hard to find. My heart is so full of emotion. I love you so much baby boy. We miss you more and more each day. I can't believe it has been a year since I held you in my arms, kissed your sweet head, and felt your incredible hugs. My arms still ache for you. You touched my life in so many ways and left an incredible mark for all eternity. Today, as we remember this day, Your special "Angel Day" may we honor your life and keep your memories alive. I can't wait to share you with your little sister and your bubby. The stories we have to tell! I am forever grateful for every moment we shared... and blessed that I was chosen to be your mommy!

Love you so much sweet Brayden, your in our hearts forever. Can't wait till the day when I will hold you again...
Love you (up to the mooon and down again .. and all around the world... and that's not all!)
Mommy

Still Holding on...

2009-06-04T23:58:00.000-04:00

One step in front of the other, one moment then another, one day at a time... This is my philosophy of life right now. There are highs and there are lows, there are tears, and yes there is laughter. Emotions are an amazing thing. This is how I have been feeling lately.. the last few weeks have been kinda mush. Not alot of motivation, lots of tears. racing thoughts. But yet there has been encouragement, prayers, laughter, amazing peace and strength, and hope.

Life is Hard.
This journey were traveling is difficult.
Many moments I don't feel like I can handle another moment...

But I am still holding on.

I am holding on to HIS promises
holding onto His peace
holding onto His grace
and clinging to the truths I find that He will contine to carry me through.

and I am grateful.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. " Ephesians 3:20-21

A reason to sing...

2009-05-30T23:56:00.000-04:00

So, if I ever felt like I was supose to be at church... today was one of those days. I was so blessed by the message. "God is my Restorer".
Our worship leader sang a song by Keith Green that spoke to me...

My eyes are dry My faith is old

My heart is hard My prayers are cold

And I know how I ought to be

Alive to you and dead to me

But what can be done For an old heart like mine

Soften it up, With oil and wine
The oil is you, your spirit of love

Please wash me anew With the wine
of your blood

It hurts. I feel numb and hard, sad and cold. I know where I ought to be. I know where I want to be. Getting there just feels so difficult.

By taking a look at a oh so familar passage, I was reminded of some amazing promises and truths. Psalm 23

"The Lord is my Shephard, I shall not be in want, He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul..."

The last few weeks have been difficult. I feel as though I have been negative. Wallowing in my own pity. It is so easy to focus on the difficult areas of life. So easy to remind myself how ~~impossible~~ hard this year has been. How encouraging it is to be reminded that "God specializes in possible cases." Matt. 19:26

..."With God ALL things are possible..."

I am loved by the creater of the universe. My Heavenly Father holds us in the palm of His hands... and I desire to remain right in His grip.

I believe He is God. I believe He is able.

I believe He is my Comforter.

But there is more to it than just believing.

"I know where I ought to be..." Just how do I get there?...

Jeremiah 15:19

..."If you Return to me, I will restore you so you can continue to serve me..."

Being Restored takes action. Not only do I need to believe, and want my shattered heart to be healed; I must Return to God. This requires me to make those steps in Faith He calls us to take. Truly putting my Trust in Him and laying it ALL down at His feet.

Only then, will He restore me... so that I can continue to serve Him.

This is my desire. To Serve Him. To be used by Him.

I want to be ready, open and willing to whatever it is that God has for my life.

To make good out of tragedy.

All of my life, In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing,

I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the desert

And all that's within me feels dry

This is my prayer in the hunger in me

My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire,

In weakness or trial or pain

There is a faith proved Of more worth than gold

So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise I will bring praise

No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice I will declare

God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle

And triumph is still on it's way

I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ

So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life In every season

You are still God I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest

When favor and providence flow

I know I'm filled to be empited again

The seed I've recieved I will sow

Thank you Lord, that in ALL things.. you are still God. Give me the strength to take the steps you are calling me to take. The courage to return to you, that I may be restored.

I WILL make it through this grief. I CAN be happy again. I WILL be there for my children, like they need me to be. ...one step at a time, I WILL be restored.

Not much to write...

2009-05-25T23:19:00.000-04:00

I feel like I have been neglecting my blogs...
I want to write... but I'm not sure what to say.

This is just a tough few weeks.

Would you pray for me and my family?

They say that anticipation is so much worse than the actual event... and I know the day will come and go...

I just can't believe it's almost here.

I wish I knew what to do... what to think... what to feel.

It's just hard.

I feel numb again...
My heart hurts.

I know that He wants to take away this burden.
I know that He offers unspeakable peace
I know that He will give us the grace and strength for each day.

I wish I knew why I hold back
It's just so hard.

Pray that I will let go.. and let God.
Pray that we can figure out a special way to spend the day. To honor and remember Brayden. Pray that I can begin to see how God wants to use this whole situation.. for the good. To use me, and this road we've been down to touch the lives of others.

There MUST be something more...

I know that we ~~can~~ WILL make it through all of this.
Right now it just feels like I'm trudging through the mud.

Just missing my boy...

and asking for prayer.

Memory Project

2009-05-23T16:13:00.000-04:00

I have put together a letter that many of you will recieve in the next few days... thought I would also post about it here. We are asking all of those who knew Brayden to write down a memory for us. I am sending out stationary and letters with an addressed envelope to make it easy. I would love to hear what others remember about our precious Brayden. If you knew Brayden and have something you would like to share please comment and ask me to send you a letter or you can contact me at becauseofbrayden@gmail.com.
Here is a copy of the letter I sent out...

Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this letter today to ask a special favor of you. We are just a few weeks away from Brayden’s “Angel Day” Anniversary. It is crazy to even think about that and I still cannot even fathom that is has been a year without our precious Brayden. With the love, support, encouragement and most of all prayers from all our wonderful friends and family, we are making it through… a moment at a time. We feel so incredibly Blessed and Thankful.
Brayden continues to live on in our hearts. We miss him so much and think of him everyday. One of the greatest things we have is our memories. I read these quotes and think it they are all so true.
“Life gives us brief moments with one another...but sometimes in those brief moments we get memories that last a life time...”
We are so thankful for every moment we were blessed to spend with Brayden and want each and every memory to last a lifetime.
“Memories are the treasures that we keep locked deep within the storehouse of our souls, to keep our hearts warm when we are lonely.”

So … this is where you come in… I am asking for your help. If your reading this letter it is because in some way or another you were a part of Brayden’s life. We are asking you to think of a memory to share. I have included a sheet of stationary paper and would like to you write out something you remember about Brayden. Think about a simple or special memory, an event, or even a funny situation; whatever you would like to share. When you think of Brayden, what comes to mind? It can be ANYTHING. (: After you write out your memory, please place it in the enclosed self addressed envelope and send it back to us! That’s it!
“We do not remember days; we remember moments”. ~Cesare Pavese

I know that Brayden touched many lives and I look forward to hearing many memories that you all have. I plan to put all of these memories together into a book so that we can look back and enjoy them together. I want this project to be a way to honor and pay tribute to his life. This will be something to share with family and friends… for years to come. I look forward to sharing these stories and moments with Nathaniel, as we reminisce about his special little brother. We also can’t wait to share with Elliana all about her wonderful big brother as she gets older.
If you have any question or anything please free to call or write us anytime. Can’t wait to receive all your wonderful memories! Thank you so much in advance!!
“God gave us memories that we might have roses in December”. ~J.M. Barrie

I had a strange and difficult realization as I got the letters ready to mail/give out. It's difficult to remember who knew Brayden. This was hard for me... It made me realize that we are going to continue to be surrounded with more and more people that never had the chance to know him as we did... This makes me sad. It also confirms the importance of doing things such as this project so that we can also have these memories and keep him alive in our hearts.
Brayden was here... He was a very special and important part of this family. He was a huge part of my life and will always hold a peice of my heart.
Please help us to look back and treasure all the wonderful memories we had with our precious gift.

Tidbits of a journey... Remembering My Precious Gift

Angel Tree

Back in Line

Thankful to be Confronted

OH Blogger... I have missed you!

Not Enough

Tough Questions

First Responder

Blessed by Words

A kiss from you...

Questions

fading memories...

Check out this entry I found on Eye of the Beholder.

Four

Christmas

Candlelight

Without Him...

Chosing to be Thankful

Still stabs like a knife...

Missing 3

Accepting Reality

A new Hurdle

Just

The Pledge

Hope

Pepsi Refresh Project- Support ISR!!!

Walk to Remember

Lost Love.. Reclaimed

God's Timing

What are you waiting for?

Angelversary Balloons for Brayden

Something to Smile about...

Looking Up in this Downpour...

2 years...

Banded in Blue!!!

Reality

Sneak Peak...

Broken... but not without Hope

Post 100...

Seventeen Months and One Day...

Heart Tugs

Peices of him...

Facing my Fears

Just be here...

My *virtual* Walk to Remember

Remembrance

Forgiving Myself

Elephant

Thoughts of You

Protecting His Memory

Acceptance... and Letting Go

My Beautiful Broken Shell

Balloons for Brayden

Bereaved Parents Wish List

Three

a year without you

Almost all together...

Thankful

a good cry.

Gone too long...

A special moment

Wednesday's Walk ... Down Memory lane...

Halloween Memories

Remembering our Babies...

Wednesday's Thursday's Walk ... Down Memory lane...

Just thoughts...

A creative Name

Wednesday's Walk ... Down Memory lane...

Just one of those days...

An Invasion of Dragonflies...

Still Holy

Wednesday's Walk ... Down Memory lane...

Windows and Doors

He Knows Best

The Compassionate Friends

Wednesday's Walk ... Down Memory lane...

Buddies

Blog Makeover Giveaway and Grand Re-opening!

Dates

MckLinky! Weekly Blog Hop!

My virtual Walk to Remember